Hi New here. NEED ADVICE PLEASE :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Hi New here. NEED ADVICE PLEASE :(
1
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 2:17pm
Hello everyone.. I need some serious insight and advice.

Im Terrah.. Im 22 years old and currently in a long distance relationship.

I met my Husband last year on the computer. My husband is 28 years old.

He moved down here and we got married. He was living in syracuse for the last 7 years and I live in Harrisburg pa.. We live 3 1/2 hours away from eachother. But when we first got together and still now except for the last few weeks, well actually I havent seen him for 2 months now :(, we would see eachother 2-3 weekends out of the month, on special occasions(v-day etc..) and on holidays

About a month after we got married he decided to go back to school at Syracuse University saying he need to get his education for his family. So he moved back up there.

This was in DEC 02.. We continued to travel back and forth to see eachother , like 2-3 weekends out of the month and on special occasions and holidays.

I currently live with my mother and I have a 4 year old son to someone else.

Well he decided to move back down here in Aug of 2003. To try to go to school here, None of the colleges in my area offered a Bachelors in science degree, so he went to work. I didnt help him at all through these times. and now I wished I would have. My mother also does not like him AT ALL..

Now he moved back up to syracuse, has been there since Oct, and hes adament on finishing off the 2 years he needs in school and he also got a great job there, so theres no way hes coming back down until hes done. He plans on moving back down here when hes done.

Now we had the plan of him finishing school and me finishing school, Im a nursing student, wont start clinicals till next fall.

Now he says he cant do it without me, that he needs me to be with him. And we are married.

I would go in a heart beat but I have a son. He takes very good care of my son and does alot for him and has taken on the responsibility when he was here.

My sons father loves his son to death but really doesnt help me out finicially or nothing, But he does see him on weekends.

My moms also in love with my son.

How am I suppose to take that away from my son? Is it right to? Is my husband being selfish?

I mean I could pack up, take my son, go to school there and finish when he finishes in 2 yearsa a move back down here.

We want whats best for our family, and in all reality, we need good educations.And thats what he went back up there for.

Please any advice

My sons father said he would be hurt,

I told him we would come down every week or every other weekend, cause thats all he sees him now.

I mean we are so happy when we are together, i really couldnt imagine my life without him at all. But lately we have been arguing all the time, we actually thats all we do when we arent together. but when we are it disappears completely.

Sometimes i think hes so selfish and only wants to do it his way or no way, makes me sooo f**kin mad. Shouldnt he understand my situation becuase of my child. I know he would do eveything in his power for my child, I ve seen it, but wouldnt I affect my child if I did that?

My son likes him. My husband does things with my son his real father cant or wont even do.

My ehart says go be with him, but my sons felings matter. I mean his 4 does he really understand all this. is it better to do this now then if he was 10 years old?

Im just so confused. I mis him so much and he misses me so much. Now he so fed up woth it, cause im his wife and i should be with him, hes basically giving me the ultimatium, leave to come be here for 2 years then we move back or we need to end this cause it hurts him to much and he figures he wasting his life away with a woman thats supposedly his wife.

But mymom HATES HIM.Im a nursing student, i dont have time to work. She pays all m bills and she basically using me by paying my bills to stay awy from him, but if i decide to go see him on a weekend she will stop paying for my car, is that fair>

I just dont know what to do.

What do u think is right here, and please, be honest..

Thanks

Terrah

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 2:54pm
How well do you really know this man? Yes, he is your husband, but you say you met him last year on the computer and then you talk about weekends and a failed stint down where you live. In my honest opinion, tempting though it is, I don't think you should go anywhere - you don't know this man well enough to know if this is going to work out (you couldn't possibly, given the amount of time you've spent actually together) and to uproot your child and then potentially have this marriage fail wouldn't be good for him. I'm a single mother myself, and I do understand your dilemma, but given your circumstances; if your husband is in college and not working and neither are you - how do you propose to afford it? Who's going to look after your son when you are both in school? It's tempting to let the idea of 'love' get the better of you, but if it is love, then this man will accommodate you and wait until the time is right, and if he doesn't, well then you don't really want him in the long run anyway, because it'll say alot about what he prioritizes and values - himself, his wants and needs against the best interests of you and your child - that's not a man you want to be married to.

Be strong, do right by your child. And listen a little to your mother, they tend to sometimes have good instincts.

Peace - Pebbles