Hi relationship with his ex
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Hi relationship with his ex
| Mon, 07-09-2007 - 12:04pm |
I have been seeing this guy for 3 years now. He was married for 17 years and has a 6 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old son. He is separated but not divorced. His ex has told him twice that she has filed for divorce when in actual fact she hasn't. It has been 4 months since the last time she told him but he will not ask her about it. His response is that it doesn't matter to him unless he had plans to marry again. He has been living with me this time for 7 months. He does maintain an apt. which he says he needs so he can have a place to take his children on his visitation weekends. The problem is is that he doesn't stay there. On his weekends he stays at the home they shared because he says it is easier for him and the children with all of their things there. He does not see any problem in taking his wife to the store (she has her own transportation and is capable of doing this on her own), to family events that his family have, or even having bonfires together in the backyard. He continues to tell me that there is nothing between them and that she is currently seeing someone. When he leaves me on Friday evening, I do not hear anything from him till he returns on Sunday evening. He does not want to have the children here with us until he knows for sure that we are going to stay together. I understand that completely. I am a single mother of a 16 yr old and had those same feelings about my daughter.
I love this man very much and I have absolutly no doubt that he feels the same way about me. I honestly believe that he is my soulmate and that we are supposed to have a long and happy life together. I just don't know if this will happen if he continues staying at their house. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What can I do to make this relationship work or should I just end it? He keeps telling me he understands how I feel but he doesn't change anything. He just keeps telling me to trust him. I just don't think it's fair for me to be left home every second weekend while he is at the house with his ex and kids. Please help me.
I love this man very much and I have absolutly no doubt that he feels the same way about me. I honestly believe that he is my soulmate and that we are supposed to have a long and happy life together. I just don't know if this will happen if he continues staying at their house. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What can I do to make this relationship work or should I just end it? He keeps telling me he understands how I feel but he doesn't change anything. He just keeps telling me to trust him. I just don't think it's fair for me to be left home every second weekend while he is at the house with his ex and kids. Please help me.

he is still married to someone else and has no intention of ending it.
Why would you settle for this?
He is still married, he can file for divorce as well as she can, if he wanted too.
You said this has been going on for 3 years, he doesn't love you or he would get out of his marriage and be with you, not his ex. After this long you should be able to see what is going on, and if you let it continue, you only have yourself to blame. You deserve so much more. He has no respect for you or your relationship, but how can he when you don't respect yourself enough to not be his mistress and that is what it comes down to. If it were your daughter in this situation what would you tell her? Tell him to take a hike, live in his own apt, and spend every other weekend with his wife. Find someone that does love and respect you. Good luck
Welcome to the board newfinie,
This is a great relationship and arrangment for him.
Wow, what a sweet deal.
It's fine to trust and love him, but you must also look at his behavior. Get clear about what you want in the relationship. It sounds as though you want to marry this man and build a life together. You've been going out for 3 years and living together for 7 months. What more does he need to know if he wants this to continue or not? It sounds as though he's playing games and stringing you along. And, staying with his wife (from whom he's only separated) is not good. It doesn't sound as though he's really made the separation from her and his family yet. He may be physically with you, but he hasn't been able to truly emotionally break away enough to build a new life with someone else.
You should decide how long you are going to allow things to go on in this manner. Unless you are willing to just keep going this way, decide a time by which you need to know one way or another. If he's not ready to move forward by that time, then it's time for you to go.
I recommend that you suggest to him that he speak to a therapist about the situation. He may not be having a problem with it, however, as right now he's getting all that he wants, time with his original family, and also time with you. The two are compartmentalized for him.
Some people can't tolerate the guilt and pain of leaving one family and actually starting another. There are many issues of loyalty and competition that arise. The way he seems to be now, he might not do so well if he were forced to separate more than this.
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