Like him. Don't feel a connection. Help!

Avatar for lusciouslatana
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Like him. Don't feel a connection. Help!
13
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 7:05pm
Hello all! (This is long, but thank you ahead of time for bearing with me)

I've been confused and frustrated with trying to figure out my feelings lately. I'm trying to take things slow and just let time tell and God lead me, but it's so hard to put out of my mind so I thought I would ask someone if they had any advice other than "just be patient and wait and see". :-)

I met this guy a few months ago. He's really really nice, sweet, dedicated, honest, and I know he's enthralled with me. He's the type of guy that despite his few quirks, he's a great person and is just so shy that it's taken awhile for him to get caught. I like him a lot as a friend.

(A little background..) I had a bad breakup last spring that made me decide to really workover my life and where I'm headed and how I feel about myself and I've been working on me since then. I haven't kissed anyone since my ex last January. That could be part of this confusion/uncomfortable feeling, but I'm not sure. I met a guy a few months ago before this guy that I really clicked with so I know I'm able to feel that true connection again after my ex. (That guy I felt the connection with after my ex turned out to be a jerk)

Anyway, I like this guy and he's the type that would of course make a good husband. But whenever I try to imagine doing anything intimate/romantic with him other than holding hands, or subtle snuggling like just sitting close, I feel uncomfortable. I mean, I think he's cute (not totally hot or anything, but cute), but I just don't feel the connection you feel when you know you're in love with someone and that makes you "want" to share all those romantic/intimate moments with them.

I've told him I'm not ready for a relationship right now and just want to be friends and have more time to work on me and my education and career and such. And he said that was fine, and then the second weekend we hung out he started getting really "kissy" and "lovey dovey" like he kept trying to kiss me and I'd have to move away. Or he'd snuggle me to the point where he was almost smothering me and we were watching movies and I couldn't see the tv. I know he was trying to get me to kiss him then too. Before that I liked him and was kind of excited about getting to know him better, but after those weekends all that intimacy was just a major turn off. Especially since he knows I just want to be friends right now. I talked to him about it and he understood and apologized and backed off without question, but I still feel weird about it.

And now I'm confused. I like him a lot, but I just don't feel like anything more than subtle cuddling or holding hands is an attractive issue with him.. It makes me feel edgy and uneasy. Like I said, he's got great potential and it's rare to find such a nice guy, but I just don't feel anything more for him at this point. Is it something that I just have to be patient and I'll learn to love him, or does it sound like we're just to be good friends and I need to come to terms with the fact that just because he's nice doesn't mean I *have* to have a connection with him and that he has to be the one? That's the question I struggle with everyday.. even though I'm trying to be patient. :-(

Any advice/help??? Thanks so much in advance!

P.S. (Another thing that adds to making me want to figure this out soon is that he's told me he believes we would have something great and no matter how many times I tell him he should still consider other people just in case, he says he refuses to and would rather be patient and wait for me to be ready...)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 7:11pm
You are going to have to be blunt with him. I LIKE you as a friend ONLY. I don't feel the chemistry that you feel with me. It's just the way it is. If you can't accept being just friends without kissing and cuddling, then our friendship will have to end. PERIOD


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:27pm
i completely agree!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 12:58am
'he says he refuses to and would rather be patient and wait for me to be ready'

He is under the impression that you will be 'ready' for a relationship when the truth is that you won't be ready for *him*. You aren't being honest with him and are using your last breakup and apprehension about getting involved again as an excuse. You don't love him and shouldn't lead him on no matter how nice he is. He deserves the truth even if he doesn't want to hear it.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:27am
I totally agree that you should be blunt with him. He is not comprehending that what he feels is not reciprocated, and that just because he has these great visions of you him together, does not mean that any of it will happen. I honestly don't think you can force yourself to love someone, and you will probably only gain misery if you try. Let him know that he is making you uncomfortable, and if he can't get a grip, the two of you can't be friends. Good luck.
Avatar for lusciouslatana
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:35am
Trust me he knows I don't feel something for him. ;-) I have been blunt with him. I'm not leading him on at all. I've told him every step of the way how I feel. That's the kind of person I am. But some people, whether or not you're blunt with them, still will hang onto optimism for quite awhile about what they hope for no matter what is said to them. But no matter how many times I tell him not to wait and see with me, he says he'd rather not date others anyway. He says that even if we don't end up together he doesn't really feel like dating other people right now and is happy to be friends.

My biggest question is if you don't feel something for someone, is it really smart trying to wait and see if you ever do, or should you just accept that you're just friends and let it lie?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 12:11pm
I think you really don't feel it for him, you KNOW you don't and probably never will, but feel like you *should* because he looks so good 'on paper'. You maybe feel like if you pass this one up, who is such good husband material, that maybe you'll regret it later. I think what you need to accept is that it's *ok* to feel it for him. He's the perfect guy, but not perfect for you. Incompatible chemistry? Maybe...but whatever it is, you are not romantically interested in this guy, and since it's been a couple of months, you probably never will be. I also think that you should stop telling him that you don't want a romantic relationship 'right now' because what he's hearing is "well, she digs me, but I just have to be patient". What you should be telling him is that you think he's a great guy, that you are NOT romantically interested and you know you never will be. THat you would like to remain friends with him, but that you need a break because you'd like to date others and know that he might have trouble accepting that at the moment.

Bottom line - be VERY honest with him. Do not give him ANY hope (because really, he doesn't have any, does he?) and go out and meet others. And remember that it's ok not to like every 'perfect marriage material guy' that you meet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 1:58pm
It sounds like you have little respect for him - would you hang around with a man patiently waiting if he told you he didn't feel that way about you? Nice is besides the point (and anyway he sounds very needy/insecure and that's not so nice) - if we all could be attracted to "nice" guys (whatever that means) we would of course choose the kind ones over the jerky ones - just because someone is nice has no relevance to whether he does it for you - it doesn't hurt - and if you're attracted to a nice guy who treats you well that's the icing on the cake of course.

I would stop leading him on and tell him you can see him but only as a friend - no physical contact. I think if by now you're not into him it probalby will not change and will change only if you're apart and find yourself missing him/his touch.

Avatar for lusciouslatana
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:57pm
Thanks for the advice. I'll tell him again about the just friends thing (believe me, we talk about that a lot) and that this time I really don't want him to wait around on me for "just in case" purposes. I guess I'm just frustrated because I did like him a lot at first.. until he got all over me, then I just got really confused and uncomfortable. And also, I have to say something about the comment "would you wait around?" etc.. Actually I did for a few months after my ex broke up with me. I know it's not fun. :-( But I finally picked myself back up.

Thanks again for the advice!

Hopefully he'll be willing to accept just friends because he is a great person.

*waves*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:33pm
I think waiting around for an ex who once was in love with you is different than waiting around for someone who from the get go rejects your advances.
Avatar for lusciouslatana
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:12pm
I agree with you on that!

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