Like him. Don't feel a connection. Help!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 11-19-2003 - 7:05pm |
I've been confused and frustrated with trying to figure out my feelings lately. I'm trying to take things slow and just let time tell and God lead me, but it's so hard to put out of my mind so I thought I would ask someone if they had any advice other than "just be patient and wait and see". :-)
I met this guy a few months ago. He's really really nice, sweet, dedicated, honest, and I know he's enthralled with me. He's the type of guy that despite his few quirks, he's a great person and is just so shy that it's taken awhile for him to get caught. I like him a lot as a friend.
(A little background..) I had a bad breakup last spring that made me decide to really workover my life and where I'm headed and how I feel about myself and I've been working on me since then. I haven't kissed anyone since my ex last January. That could be part of this confusion/uncomfortable feeling, but I'm not sure. I met a guy a few months ago before this guy that I really clicked with so I know I'm able to feel that true connection again after my ex. (That guy I felt the connection with after my ex turned out to be a jerk)
Anyway, I like this guy and he's the type that would of course make a good husband. But whenever I try to imagine doing anything intimate/romantic with him other than holding hands, or subtle snuggling like just sitting close, I feel uncomfortable. I mean, I think he's cute (not totally hot or anything, but cute), but I just don't feel the connection you feel when you know you're in love with someone and that makes you "want" to share all those romantic/intimate moments with them.
I've told him I'm not ready for a relationship right now and just want to be friends and have more time to work on me and my education and career and such. And he said that was fine, and then the second weekend we hung out he started getting really "kissy" and "lovey dovey" like he kept trying to kiss me and I'd have to move away. Or he'd snuggle me to the point where he was almost smothering me and we were watching movies and I couldn't see the tv. I know he was trying to get me to kiss him then too. Before that I liked him and was kind of excited about getting to know him better, but after those weekends all that intimacy was just a major turn off. Especially since he knows I just want to be friends right now. I talked to him about it and he understood and apologized and backed off without question, but I still feel weird about it.
And now I'm confused. I like him a lot, but I just don't feel like anything more than subtle cuddling or holding hands is an attractive issue with him.. It makes me feel edgy and uneasy. Like I said, he's got great potential and it's rare to find such a nice guy, but I just don't feel anything more for him at this point. Is it something that I just have to be patient and I'll learn to love him, or does it sound like we're just to be good friends and I need to come to terms with the fact that just because he's nice doesn't mean I *have* to have a connection with him and that he has to be the one? That's the question I struggle with everyday.. even though I'm trying to be patient. :-(
Any advice/help??? Thanks so much in advance!
P.S. (Another thing that adds to making me want to figure this out soon is that he's told me he believes we would have something great and no matter how many times I tell him he should still consider other people just in case, he says he refuses to and would rather be patient and wait for me to be ready...)

Pages
Carrie
He is under the impression that you will be 'ready' for a relationship when the truth is that you won't be ready for *him*. You aren't being honest with him and are using your last breakup and apprehension about getting involved again as an excuse. You don't love him and shouldn't lead him on no matter how nice he is. He deserves the truth even if he doesn't want to hear it.
Good luck
My biggest question is if you don't feel something for someone, is it really smart trying to wait and see if you ever do, or should you just accept that you're just friends and let it lie?
Bottom line - be VERY honest with him. Do not give him ANY hope (because really, he doesn't have any, does he?) and go out and meet others. And remember that it's ok not to like every 'perfect marriage material guy' that you meet.
I would stop leading him on and tell him you can see him but only as a friend - no physical contact. I think if by now you're not into him it probalby will not change and will change only if you're apart and find yourself missing him/his touch.
Thanks again for the advice!
Hopefully he'll be willing to accept just friends because he is a great person.
*waves*
Pages