His Assumptions Making an a*s Out Of Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
His Assumptions Making an a*s Out Of Me
22
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:45pm
Please forgive me as I am new to posting messages on this board....

I am with a man that I love dearly. He is 33 and I am 27. This is his first serious relationship, but not mine as I am a divorced single mother.

I am writing today for help and guidance on communication.

I am a person that says exactly what I mean. Unfortuantley, he takes what I say and makes assumptions off of it. For example, he says that his friends invited him to go hunting/fishing. I tell him to go hunting/fishing and have a good time. He makes the decision not to go hunting/fishing. Later on we end up fighting about how he can never see his friends.

I find myself saying to him he can't have it both ways. He can't make the decision not to see his friends and then turn around and be mad at me because he hasn't seen them.

He says that he heard my words of telling him to go and have a good time but acted on the tone of my voice. He says he felt I was stating that I would be mad if he went.

I feel like I am going crazy I never said or felt the things that he says I am. I feel trapped in a vicious cycle. The sad part of this story is that when he gets flustrated he says enough and he leaves. Just this a week ago he called me saying he was fishing with a friend and he wasn't coming home that night and he didn't know if he would be home on the weekend, and he didn't know if he was ever coming home. This is the second time things have blown up and he has left for a few days.

I love him and I want to be with him, but this situation is going south fast. I fear that if we don't do something soon this relationship will end. I feel helpless because I am saying what I mean and trying to enforce to him what he heard me say is actually my thoughts and feelings that were stated. How can I help this situation????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:50pm
If you both want the relationship to work then you need couples counseling fast to learn some tools about how to communicate properly and to listen to each other. If he won't go then that speaks volumnes about his commitment to the relationship.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:58pm

I agree with the suggestion of couples counseling, since telling him that you really, really, really mean what you say ;-)

Avatar for chilaili
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:59pm
Oh jeez, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm encountering the same problem, only my BF (?) is saying that I'm sounding just like his ex-wife and that's why he left the marraige in the first place. Apparently when he tells me about something he did with his guy friends and I say, "Oh that sounds like fun," it means I'm resenting his time with them and not wanting him to do anything unless I'm there. Again, it's the tone that he objects to. Doesn't occur to him that what I mean is, it sounds like fun! I'm very much the "I think it, I say it" kind of person and if I had another message, it would be out there. In my case, I think he's still reeling from the divorce, over-reacting to ANYthing that reminds him even just a little bit of her yet not telling me about it till we have a huge confrontation.

I'm trying hard to show him I'm NOT the Ex and that if I say something like that he should maybe ask me what I mean, rather than assuming he knows. I think my guy is just so sensitive to anything resembling his former situation that made him miserable and needs to understand that not every woman is like her. Currently we're taking a break from each other to see if he can work things out and resolve these issues. Would that help you at all? Have you tried to either talk to him or even email to explain your side of things somehow? Sometimes I've found people pay more attention if you take the time to write things down. I wonder if your guy's reasoning is just an excuse not to do things but that he can then blame you for? Is there any reason he'd react this way, such as a previous bad experience?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:36pm
I think this is easily solved...he's not an honest communicator. He likely didn't grow up in an environment where honest commuication was accepted. He learned to "do waht others implied" which means his hearing is selected, his reasoning is faulting, and his self-esteem is pretty well non-existent.

he odesn't communicate with himself...I can't communicate with anybody else.

You can't change him.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:00pm
In addition to what everyone else said, I would add that he likes blaming you for the situation, because he won't/can't own up to what he's feeling in the moment you are talking. Then when he takes off, he's punishing you - hmmm, isn't that passive/aggressive behavior?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:11am
I don't understand your post.

Are you saying that the writing is on the wall and that he is not going to change. I am taking that to mean that I need to accept how he or leave.

What about the fact that I love this man. And that some of the time he is the most wonderful man in the entire world. I want to marry this man...BUT I can't go on with the uncertainty that he may not be home. I can't live my life on egg shells or in an environment where every time he earns the trust back it gets blown away and we have to start all over again.

How come it is ok to give up on someone you love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:25am
Well, take you and him out of this - and put "general dynamic" in it. Don't personalize it with individual situations and details and you'll see what I mean.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, standards, and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values dictate their integrity, character, conscience and honor in EVERY situation and venue.

Okay, so at all times - this guy is doing what he wants to do , waht his reasoning says is right to do, what his values entitle him to do - to get the results he wants to achieve. Now, first don't speculate on what results he wants to achieve - second - if he's not changing his method - you can assume that the results he's getting are not "the wrong results' by his goals and standards.

Now....people get into a relationship for one of two reasons.....a) they have needs to be met that they can't meet, won't meet, don't acknowledge and they're looking for someone else to meet them. If they get with someone to get needs met - that doesn't mean that particularly they're looking to meet your needs, have the ability to understand your needs or meet them. It means they got with you - because your behavior at the time was "meeting their needs". Generally, when people are getting needs met/what they want - they respond positively to you. They're gracious, delightful, charming, respectful, etc. etc. etc. But, if someone got into a relationship thinking the purpose of a relationship is to "meet my needs via my partner's actions" - they tend ot hold you accountable for THEIR feelings and actions.

I.e., I brought you roses and candy because you've helped straighten out my life, my blls, my professional reputation, my personal social standing......but they're not bringing you roses and candy because they admire and respect you as an individual.

So, the second that there are no more needs to meet (a rarity), or that needs change that weren't in the equation when you were chosen as a partner and provider of meeting needs - that person now perceives that you're "refusing to make them feel good, act right" - becuase you're not meeting their needs. Which they may not have communicated, accepted or acknowledged -and quite likely, aren't appropriate for you to meet.

The b) group of people get into a relationship becuase they have a great, balanced, stable life - they want a partner to share that great life with. They choose a partner that already has established a similar life and lifestyle, goals and structre life as their own - they're not the "opposites attract" crowd - they're the "I want someone who already is like I am, wants what I want, does what I do - because I am very complete, secure, successful, and self-accepting and I want a partner that is that for themselves so that together we don't "fix/change" one another - we simply are on parallel paths by our own choosing together - and that is a "great life". In those relationships there is lots of trust, harmony, assurance, and communication - that dynamic existed in each individual with themselves...and it extends to the partner, as well.

In any relationship, you've got 3-9 months of "infatuation". Infatuation is "your attention and desire for me make me feel so great and positive about myself and my life in general, I can't get enough of you." It's all "feelings" - but feelings are NOT facts, goals, calls to action, or used to determine what to do in situations to get a specific result.

During infatuation - you can't objectively review this person's character, based on their values - as evidenced in ther actions, decisions and words in a myriad of situations and circumstances. You're too enamored of the positive feelings about you they inspire in you with thier desire for you to be objective...so infatuation is a great feeling, adn should be revelled in like a hot shower as a feeling - but it shouldn't be used as a 'guide" to take you into cohabitation, emotional investment or involvement, commitment, or comingling in any way.

it's just "isn't life delicious and delightful, aren't I so appealing and attractive, isn't this fun to be found so amazing".....and you can do lots of positive, life affirming and empowering things on a personal level - letting hte "self-confidence" that infatuation inspires have you seeking greater heights of personal growth or achievement. But, again - it's nothing but a feeling, shouldn't be treated like a fact or goal - and it's certainly not sustainable.

Now, he's being precisely as he's been throughout this entire relationship. UP to now, he maybe wnated to spend more time with you and did - becuase of the "feeings" you inspired in him about himself. Or perhaps you weren't as aware of his lack of communication skills becuase you tend to "read" into actions and "assume" what is meant....and you proceed to structure your life and future nad goals around your set of "assumed facts" based on actions and decisions on his part, that haven't ever been fully discussed. And now you're ipacted by that reality - because cohabitation, commitment, comingling are now more impactive than before - and now you want him to do what he's never done, doesn't do, never intended to do, perhaps doesn't even value doing or understand is a positive thing to do - and that is communicate.

But, i you can't accept someone as they are...you can't be with them. Because values justify actions and you can't determine his values.

He sounds immature to me.....the parent/child dynamic is one where the child tends to hold the parent/providing entity "responsible" for their actions...and the feelings that are a result of situations. Situations are what "cause" feelings...actions cause/change/create situations.

In the parent/child dynamic (which if taken in "adult" relationships is often termed passive-aggressive) the parent sets the rules, supervises the actions, the "results" are often not what the child wants to get, or they're not totally at the child's behest in terms of actions (the parents helped and the kid didn't know it/acknowledge that).

As a result, the "feelings" that are inspired by situations are now held "against" the parent if the feelings are negative - or the feelings are simply "enjoyed and often acted on (sometimes inappropriately) if they're positive. But the child perceives that his actions are never "self-required" - but other required, and thus the feelings that result are the "responsibility" of the parent to either fix or "continue to keep coming" because "I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't made me and the results of doing it didn't make me feel good."

When people get out from under parental constraints, supervision, and assistance - and become"independent" people financially and physically - they take that "perception" out into the world to some degree. Depending on how they've been parented - they might take a 8-year-old's perception out into an adult world and encounter disaster as a result.

And so the kid puts down an apartment deposit, pays the rent and utilities - and turns the stereo up loud, has people coming and going, trashes the parking lot with beer cans and gets a notice from the manager...and is "mad" - after all - I'm paying for this and I'm not required to do anything I don't want to do or follow any rules. Just an example.

Your guy doesn't communicate with himself....and he sounds emotionally driven. Which basically means that he thinks his feelings are facts, goals and calls to action and to be used to determine what to do in situations at all times. He's only trying to get/eliminate a feeling - in everything he does. He's not goal oriented, realizing that work, effort and sacrifice are required to achieve or obtain or maintain anything - he simply "wants what he wants" and that's it.

You're not going to change him....."aisle, altar, hymn" is NOT "I'll alter him". And so step back objectively and don't think "he's doing this because of me, to spite me, in spite of or despite me". Take the "me" out of the equation.

He's doing what he wants to do , waht his reasoning says is right to do, what his values justify - to reach his desired result. Everybody operates on that principles thorughout life.

the people that "value" their time, their effort, their abilities, prioritize their personal goals, needs, and standards....those people generally are communicative, and aren't always going at things with a "me first me only" attitude.

You want him to be like you and he's not...so he is NOT going to "do what you do"...and important to note...he's not going to "value your sacrifices and efforts".

The example that hits home is the following - most adolescents that are given their first car wreck it or at least trash it beyond comprehension in a short period of time. Why? They didn't hav to work for it - thus they don't value it for other than the pleasure it brings the at the moment. And when it is wrecked or trashed - they're going to want a replacement issued pronto at no cost to them because.....the first one was free and they didn't "earn" it.

So if you've set this guy up in a lifestyle that is "above" what he was capable of achieving for himself, or if you've put him in positions of authority/respnsibility that he didn't aspire to and hold whilel as an independent person - there's your problem.

He got with you because it was an "upgrade" and you've offered the upgrade. But he didn't think that he'd have to change in order to be in "this lifestyle" - he figured this lifestyle would simply benefit him to the max, as it is but as he is.

Rather like people that win a million in the lotto that are dirt poor - and immediately go out and get themselves into a house they can't afford based on their job related income, and drive cars they can't afford to maintain at the income level they're at...and they spend lots of that million impressing their friends and blowing it all over the place...and three years later they're left with nothing in the bank, a house they can't pay the taxes, insurance and maintance on, and a "great car" that is a piece of junk because they didn't prioritize maintaining it thinking "replacement" is what I'll do - and now they can't afford to even by a second hand Pinto.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:45am
This may be completely off the wall, and totally wrong- but with my experiences, I dated a guy that would twist around my words to START a fight, giving him a reason to leave. Why? I think he was afraid of commitment...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:24pm
I see your point...

I have taken the stand for the entire relationship that I accept him as he his with all his faults, failures, glories and joys. I see now that this is not a true statement, by staying with me I am requiring him to communicating with me - hence I am trying to change him.

I find myself trying to justify this request by saying that I am not asking too much of him and that the request is not such a horrible thing. If he wants to make the relationship work he has to be involved and communicate. This is also where I see your immaturatiy point and where I question the upgrade point you made.

Things moved so fast in the beginning months. We were so blinded by infatuatiion. We were moving so fast that this rollercoaster ride has turned out to have him living in my house with me and my five year old daughter and us engaged with a wedding date of May 2004. Needless to say, the wedding is on hold. And we are unsure as to the life of this relationship. We validate that we made a lot of mistakes along the way, but firmly stand by that we love each other and we want this relationship to work.

On the plus side, we have been speaking on a daily basis. We are slowly starting to communicate, and stay open to the thoughts and feelings that we are both having.

Is the song true - Sometimes love just isn't enough?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:34pm
I believe in my case you are right on the money. He stated to me, "He is afraid that I will use his words and love against him". So he doesn't open up and he doesn't fully trust me.

It is very challenging to hear the same thing I am telling him about trust. He leaves and hence I can't trust him and I find him to be unreliable. I am forcing the communication card which released that he can't trust me with his feelings because thats all women do - hurt men.

He is very sensitive. Because of his sensitivity I am finding myself in a relationship where he cries more then I do. I am not sure how to handle a man that cries more then me...

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