His Assumptions Making an a*s Out Of Me
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| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:45pm |
I am with a man that I love dearly. He is 33 and I am 27. This is his first serious relationship, but not mine as I am a divorced single mother.
I am writing today for help and guidance on communication.
I am a person that says exactly what I mean. Unfortuantley, he takes what I say and makes assumptions off of it. For example, he says that his friends invited him to go hunting/fishing. I tell him to go hunting/fishing and have a good time. He makes the decision not to go hunting/fishing. Later on we end up fighting about how he can never see his friends.
I find myself saying to him he can't have it both ways. He can't make the decision not to see his friends and then turn around and be mad at me because he hasn't seen them.
He says that he heard my words of telling him to go and have a good time but acted on the tone of my voice. He says he felt I was stating that I would be mad if he went.
I feel like I am going crazy I never said or felt the things that he says I am. I feel trapped in a vicious cycle. The sad part of this story is that when he gets flustrated he says enough and he leaves. Just this a week ago he called me saying he was fishing with a friend and he wasn't coming home that night and he didn't know if he would be home on the weekend, and he didn't know if he was ever coming home. This is the second time things have blown up and he has left for a few days.
I love him and I want to be with him, but this situation is going south fast. I fear that if we don't do something soon this relationship will end. I feel helpless because I am saying what I mean and trying to enforce to him what he heard me say is actually my thoughts and feelings that were stated. How can I help this situation????

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The man has 'issues' - he's holding other people responsible for his success, security,happiness, actions, feelings nad words.
Everybody is out to get him, hurt him, cheat him out of his just due....he can't open up, communicate (aka - he can't go out there and responsibly become the person he is sure he would be if you people would just cooperate and make him that! NOT kidding), he's been "hurt" and he's got all kinds of hurty places that people have to dance around, cater to, placate, and pose because of.
If everybody can't do the gyrations - he's entitled to do whatever he wants so that he feels like he's got "power" in his life...by impacting htem with his actions while in alliance with them.
He's got issues...get out of this.
Sensitive is also known as "immature".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
David
After reading your post I have to ask - why would any man sacrifice his own happiness to be with someone? My guy has stated he has made such a sacrifice for me. This confused me, I don't see how I am suppose to respond to this...he made a conscious choice to act and behave in the way he did and now he wants me to be responsible for his actions and/or behavior. Give me a break - I have broad shoulders but they aren't they broad.
Maybe I am old fashioned, I am a believer if you are unhappy you should share it with your partner -not continue with actions that make you unhappy. Any successful relationship has give and take AND open communication. It is my opinion that blowing up and becoming forcefully selfish doesn’t solve anything it only causes more problems.
I will be the first to admit my own faults and failures, as I am my own hardest critic. I don’t believe I ever asked too much of my guy. First and foremost I requested that he be honest with me, no matter what. And now as our relationship has started to decline I am requesting that he communicate with me openly and honestly. I don’t and can’t find how this is asking too much of a person, expressly not of a person that I am committed to and that I give the same respect to.
I acknowledge that my guy has changed since we have gotten together. I know that he has made sacrifices and done things that without being with me he would never have done on his own. He told me these actions were done to be with me and to spend time with me. Again I find myself struggling with the fact that he made decision to act/behave the way he did and now somehow I am responsible for it because I am to demanding. Can anyone make this make sense???????
Finally, in response to your last question my guy has shared with me that he does not have any children but that he would like to have some in the future.
I'll make sense of this for you.
He's "changed" since you've gotten together. You mean specifically his behavior has changed...but the values that justified his previous behavior are stil there, very much intact. He simply changed his "behavior" to be with you - not his priorities and values in life which would have made that behavior what he wanted to do - rather than what he had to do in order to receive the benefit of being with you.
He is now saying that behavior he engaged in to court and date and form this relationship is NOT what he wants to continue, nor what he intends to continue (a crude example is the one that "after "I do" -you'll never get another BJ" - in short, she gave oral to get married, and now that she's got what she wants, you'll never get that again).
He's saying you now need to "like him as he is" - that he is going to do what his values justify him doing and entitle him to do - and you need to like that as it is, and stop "liking the act he put on to win your attention and alliance".
You can't do that.....you're about as sane a person that has come to these boards...but if you keep affiliating with dysfunctionally reasoning people - you won't be what you are very long - and everything that happens will be your fault, and your responsibility to fix, while he does whatever he wants, in spite of the fact it doesn't meet your needs and you'll wonder why you're so upset, but can't show it, because that would upset him and make things worse and then you'd have more crap to fix.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Sounds like classic passive-aggressive behavior.
My relationship started just as yours did, with a whirlwind of infatuation that had us co-habitating before we even knew each other and we married way too soon.
But he was basically like your guy - not a good communicator (unless he was in the mood) and prone to walking out when he didn't like the way that things were going. The walk-outs became more and more frequent, despite numerous promises to the contrary.
I'd have to think long and hard before saying anything he might 'take the wrong way' and even when I'd worded it as carefully as I could, there were still times when he took it the wrong way and I'd end up paying in one way or another for the 'hurt that I had caused'. Erin is right, you're co-habitating with a baby that treats feelings as facts, so he's always going to be reacting in exactly the way he has always reacted - based on his feelings, never based on reviewing the situation objectively.
I won't bore you with the details - but the marriage was a nightmare. It took having a baby to make me wake up and smell the coffee - and to finally get that all my good intentions, all my efforts and understanding and all the good will in the world wouldn't change somebody with the dysfunctional reasoning he had.
I'll put money on the fact that your situation isn't much different to what mine was.
Get out - grieve for the dream you had of how things could have been and be thankful that you made a lucky escape. Guys like this generally don't change - because it's not their fault - it's yours and what you said and what you did.
Peace - Pebbles
In order to keep a relationship going, both individuals must be able to communicate with one another, to hear, listen to and respect the truth of the other. Your boyfriend is "projecting" his fears on you. He doesn't know the difference between what you truly feel and what he thinks and fears. This is a real problem that "he" is having, not you. He needs help to work this through and to understand the difference between his own fears and what is actually going on. If he doesn't get help with this, it doesn't seem very likely that the two of you can stay together. He will keep projecting his thoughts, fears and feelings onto you - and not ever really know the person he is there with. There is nothing you can do to interrupt this pattern. He has to recognize what's going on and be willing to work on it. If he doesn't, there's really no way out. When he stays away he's punishing youj for something he imagines in his own mind. This can escalate. It is an unhealthy basis for a relationship.
Sometimes we can love someone, but that does not mean we can live with them or work out a relatinship. It takes two individuals who are willing to face the truth about themselves and one another and to build a foundation of trust. Unless he is willing to do this, there is no basis for a relationship.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Brian
Everybody has been "hurt". Actually, hurt is a blanket term that encompasses a myriad of emotions.
But how you respond and handle that hurt - indicates how healthy, loving, and equality based your future partnerships will be.
If you take the time, prior to finding another parter, to assess that relationship from an objective perspective...which really isn't possible until re-establishing a great life by your own definitions, efforts, means, and standards as an independent adult.......you'll find that you can take responsibility for your part of "the hurt'. If they lied - they didn't lie because you did anything wrong, no matter what you did do. They did it because their values justified them doing it in order to get what they wanted and needed. And for that, you're not to "blame". Always remember that fault and blame aren't a solution, and don't fix or resolve anything.
But in that relationship, there was a "dynamic" that pervaded - that will pervade again, with the same results being found in a different situation, relationship or partner...because your values justify your actions, your reasoning pattern is still in place, and your perception of life and self is still intact as it was - back in that relationship.
So, when you can objectively realize that you didn't "cause' them to lie...but that at least 50% of your hurt, confusion, upset, fear, anger, resentment, regret, remorse is because you willingly stayed in the relationship, refusing to assess and accept facts vs. feelings...THen you can stop fearing this will "happen again" with a different partner. Because you'll be taking more resonsibility for your actions and feelings, and for potential consequences -by being more self-aware, communicative, self-responsible and less emotionally dictated but factually aware and accepting and goal oriented.
At that point, you can choose a partner based on your admiration and respect of them as an individual - any partner you choose till then has this "hurt" of your previous relationship clouding the vision - and you're seeing situations through that haze and going "I don't think with this person I'll "feel" this way again." But you will - because that feeling is yours to own, it's created by your perception of self and the situation...and that is something you control at all times.....nobody else does.
Feelings are NOT facts, goals or calls to action. But they are real, and they're a result of situations. So a change in situations is going to cause more feelings - and the more you know about yourself the more possible it is to choose a partner based on your needs and from an objective acceptance of who they are...not what you need choosing them because at this time, in this situation - they meet this particular need.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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