His Deadbeat Ex Wife
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His Deadbeat Ex Wife
| Fri, 02-08-2008 - 10:07am |
My husband of 2 years and I have a blended family. We have 6 kids between us, 4 which are at home.
| Fri, 02-08-2008 - 10:07am |
My husband of 2 years and I have a blended family. We have 6 kids between us, 4 which are at home.
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I don't think you should take
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Thank you for the reponse Carrie.
Student loans are both in the childs name and the parent.
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Unless the student has a good credit report for 2 years, they can not sign for their own loan....
As this thread continues it is just convincing me more and more that this a problem you need to deal directly with your husband about, and not with his ex-wife. Sure, in an ideal world the EW would support her son, even if she didn't have custody. But, she says she can't (or won't) do that. So, you need to move on to find another solution to the problem. That seems to lie with your husband.
He can't stand up to his EW and also apparently can't stand up to his own son because he won't say no to anything, and is apparently okay when Adam says that he can't get a part-time job because he needs to play hockey all year?? He is also willing to take a loan out on your retirement to buy a car and put you $20,000 in debt?
You say you have no fear in explaining the limits to the EW, but perhaps you need to focus on explaining the limits to your husband. For example, a limit for me would be that if my husband did these things to my family and, in addition, said he was flat out 'not willing' to go to a financial counselor, I would warn him that he is putting our marriage in serious jeopardy.
And, as an aside, if a student loan is not an option, then perhaps financial aid would be. It's been awhile since I've applied for it, but I believe Adam can apply saying he will have no financial support for tuition from his parents. Then, to back it up, he will need to have no financial support from his parents. Again, that would be up to your husband to enforce that limit.
I'm going to chime in here and agree with many of little_bubba's points. Adam should not be driving you into debt--he's certainly old enough to get a job himself. That will not only ease some of the financial strain but it will help him learn real-world skills and responsibilities, not to mention money-management techniques.
As far as student loans go, I paid for college myself, through a combination of financial aid (applied for in my name only, not my parent's) and working through college. It CAN be done without relying on the parents.
At some point, Adam is going to have to stand on his own, and he needs the tools to do so. I think you need a talk with your husband about beginning to provide him with these tools. I wouldn't contact the ex-wife; she sounds like a lost cause.
Blended familes are very difficult to work out because of these kinds of issues. There's a balance that needs to be kept, and often the ex's are not cooperative, or are actively obstructing things. Clearly, you feel that too much is being asked of you and not enough of the ex wife. However, you are also aware that your husband has a long history of not being able to stand up to his ex. What is needed is for you to make careful boundaries in the marriage, about what you contribute and what he contributes. This son is his financial responsibility. Your earnings should not go towards him. Perhaps you both to re-organize finances and way things are allocated, so that you do not have to feel as though you are taking on his ex wife's burden. It's not that he's choosing her, it's that he cannot handle her and never could. The most important part of working with blended families is being very clear about the allocation of resources, time, money, attention, etc. Create a clear and structured plan and stick to it. Boundaries are crucial, especially with an ex such as her. You do not have to get involved in expressing your husband's anger towards his wife. His relationship with her is his. Don't get in the middle of it. Just be sure that you feel your needs are being respected and met. Are you paying bills that he should be paying? If so, clear this up.
All good wishes,
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I don't get it. How can Adam, who is so young, not
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