His Deadbeat Ex Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
His Deadbeat Ex Wife
46
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 10:07am

My husband of 2 years and I have a blended family. We have 6 kids between us, 4 which are at home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 12:51pm

I don't think you should take

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 2:05pm

Thank you for the reponse Carrie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 2:11pm

Student loans are both in the childs name and the parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 2:12pm
Personally, I worked all through college and still graduated with a 3.9 gpa and no student loans. I knew that nobody was going to help me out. Unless he is forced to be responsible for himself he is going to continue to live off of you as long as possible.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 2:14pm
I don't know how student loans work, but I don't think all student loans have to be in both the child and parents name. I know that my sister has student loans and that my parents were not able to co-sign for her. My mom was in prison and my dad was in any other being treated for cancer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 2:25pm

Unless the student has a good credit report for 2 years, they can not sign for their own loan....


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 3:11pm

As this thread continues it is just convincing me more and more that this a problem you need to deal directly with your husband about, and not with his ex-wife. Sure, in an ideal world the EW would support her son, even if she didn't have custody. But, she says she can't (or won't) do that. So, you need to move on to find another solution to the problem. That seems to lie with your husband.

He can't stand up to his EW and also apparently can't stand up to his own son because he won't say no to anything, and is apparently okay when Adam says that he can't get a part-time job because he needs to play hockey all year?? He is also willing to take a loan out on your retirement to buy a car and put you $20,000 in debt?

You say you have no fear in explaining the limits to the EW, but perhaps you need to focus on explaining the limits to your husband. For example, a limit for me would be that if my husband did these things to my family and, in addition, said he was flat out 'not willing' to go to a financial counselor, I would warn him that he is putting our marriage in serious jeopardy.

And, as an aside, if a student loan is not an option, then perhaps financial aid would be. It's been awhile since I've applied for it, but I believe Adam can apply saying he will have no financial support for tuition from his parents. Then, to back it up, he will need to have no financial support from his parents. Again, that would be up to your husband to enforce that limit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 4:47pm

I'm going to chime in here and agree with many of little_bubba's points. Adam should not be driving you into debt--he's certainly old enough to get a job himself. That will not only ease some of the financial strain but it will help him learn real-world skills and responsibilities, not to mention money-management techniques.

As far as student loans go, I paid for college myself, through a combination of financial aid (applied for in my name only, not my parent's) and working through college. It CAN be done without relying on the parents.

At some point, Adam is going to have to stand on his own, and he needs the tools to do so. I think you need a talk with your husband about beginning to provide him with these tools. I wouldn't contact the ex-wife; she sounds like a lost cause.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 8:30pm

Blended familes are very difficult to work out because of these kinds of issues. There's a balance that needs to be kept, and often the ex's are not cooperative, or are actively obstructing things. Clearly, you feel that too much is being asked of you and not enough of the ex wife. However, you are also aware that your husband has a long history of not being able to stand up to his ex. What is needed is for you to make careful boundaries in the marriage, about what you contribute and what he contributes. This son is his financial responsibility. Your earnings should not go towards him. Perhaps you both to re-organize finances and way things are allocated, so that you do not have to feel as though you are taking on his ex wife's burden. It's not that he's choosing her, it's that he cannot handle her and never could. The most important part of working with blended families is being very clear about the allocation of resources, time, money, attention, etc. Create a clear and structured plan and stick to it. Boundaries are crucial, especially with an ex such as her. You do not have to get involved in expressing your husband's anger towards his wife. His relationship with her is his. Don't get in the middle of it. Just be sure that you feel your needs are being respected and met. Are you paying bills that he should be paying? If so, clear this up.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: mdwz
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 9:28pm

I don't get it. How can Adam, who is so young, not