His ex- files
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| Sat, 03-10-2007 - 6:08pm |
My boyfriend of just less than five months broke things off just this past tuesday because he has lingering feelings for his ex. To make a very long story very short he doesn't know whether or not he would like to work things out with her and while I am not totally out of the picture I am very much on the back burner as he focusses on either bringing a close to or perhaps restarting his old relationship.
Assuming the end result is the closure he needs to move on, is this still going to be a hopeless situation for the two of us? I have come to care for him very much over the past almost five months, respect his decision to not lead me on and (realising that this may be just denial at this point so close to the event) desperately want him back. I don't know what is the best course of action for me to take from here on in. Do I cut off all contact? Remain friends while he figures things out? (While making sure he has lots of space of course). He is an amazing person who I would want to keep in my life even if he does ultimately choose to rekindle things with his ex. I would like to do my best to subtly highlight what's great about me to tip things in my favour, but is this wrong? I know that there is nothing I can do to "make him realise" anything... but if there were any tricks of the trade, or helpful hints to increasing the probability of him coming back to me I would appreciate all insight.
To be brutally honest, I feel quite pathetic wanting him back considering he clearly does not want me enough to choose me over his ex. Part of me is saying that I should move on because how would trust work in a situation where he had already left me once for another woman... where as there is a part of me saying that he is truly an amazing person, and although we clearly do not know each other well enough after less than 5 months to make such decisions, it wouldn't break my heart to think that he might be in my life for a very long time.
I want to make the best decisions for me and for him and for us. I love him, ... oh gosh how much do I love him.. but I also realise that some situations are just not salvagable. Is this one of those?
Thanks,
Stroumphette

I know exactly what you're saying. I too have been in a situation like this in the past. I know it is V-E-R-Y hard to let it go when you care so much, but you just have to keep telling yourself "Why should I wait around when he's just willing to keep me hanging for another woman?". Do you really want to be the "second choice" of a partner?
I know it's difficult, but sometimes you just have to call it quits. I did and now I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who would do anything for me. If I had waited much longer for that other person, I would have never met the love of my life. Just trust your instincts.
Hi Stroumphete,
Sorry you have to go through this.
This is indeed a very hard situation for me right now, and I appreciate greatly your replies.
I would like to clarify that if he does choose to go back to her as far I'm concerned that is where the confusion would end, it is only while he in this state of deciding that I entertain the idea of taking him back. I understand that it is important for him to have closure from that past relationship, and if he needs to deal with it on his own I am happier that he was honest about it than ultimately dragging me trough it with him, but if he decides to actually go back to her there would be no more possibility for us to get back together. I don't therefore believe that the 'friends with the competition' issue will arise, because I will cut things off for my own good before it gets to that point.
I have no desire to 'manipulate' him, I also want a relationship that's mutual. I am frustrated by the situation but you are probably right that confusing him further is not very kind considering all that is on him mind right now.
He contacted his ex in January to ask her not to spend the summer in his hometown (she was planning on moving there for a summer job) because he was planning on me spending the summer there and things went on from there. She was hurt that he called, and didn't understand why he would (who does?) and then he wanted to fix it. We had our own little issue a few weeks back and I guess he got 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome and didn't manage to shake it off. She is alot of things that I can never be, his religion, a virgin and very 'unthreathening' so to speak... while I believe (biased I know) that him and I have a much stronger intellectual connection with more of the same long term goals inspite of my different religion, embracing my sexuality and lack of trepidation to challenge him when he's being an arse. He has to decide what he wants and if its me he has to decide relatively soon, I didn't mean to sound like I was being a total doormat.
He doesn't know if he loves her, or if he's just feeling guilty about the past, but while he's not sure he doesn't want to drag me through the muck while figuring it out. I realise that this could not have happened without some participation on my part, and truth to be told I helped plant his original seed of doubt in our own relationship. I want a chance to redeem myself to him.
I very much do want a mutual, loving relationship based in trust. I am not a doormat, and I don't want him back at any cost. In light of my clarification is it still a bad idea to ride it out? I won't try to manipulate him into believing that I'm the best choice, I agree that if that is to happen he very much has to make it on his own in order for it to be lasting. Or is this truly the end of the line with ultimately no more options, and I just can't see it because I am too close to the situation?
Hi again,
What I read leads me to believe that he's