his ex girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
his ex girlfriend
3
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 10:59pm
I really am not sure this is the place to be, but I posted years ago on another board on I Village and found it helpful....now I am back! Here is where I am today. I have been dating a guy for a year and 1/2 this week. I love him very much! I was previously in a long (81/2 year) emotionally abusive relationship that ended 3 years ago. Life with my new guy has been great, but I have taken things slowly. He talked moving in and marriage a year ago, but I wasn’t ready and we just kind of waited. This last winter sometime, we were lying in bed and he told me he had something to tell me. He said that an ex-girl friend from a few relationships ago told him she wanted him back. She had dumped him and had said, as we shared about past relationships, that he was hurt by her and felt she never gave him a chance. He saw her well over a year before we met. Well he has maintain a friendship with her and actually other ex’s as well, but I felt secure in his feeling and love for me and vowed to never tell him he could not be friends with them. He is 49 and I am 42, so I feel like we need to be adult about out pasts and except each other’s past relationships. Well this weekend, I had a feeling something was up and he said he wanted to go out with his guy friend and since I had been out of town I was happy to go home myself. Well at 11:45 pm s I was shutting down my computer, an IM popped up from him……He launched into a conversation bout how he was so sorry but he wanted me to know that he was having lots of feelings on “what if” related to his ex. He kept repeating that he loved me and that he knew that this was not fair to me, I had done nothing to deserve this, but he couldn’t help himself. He went through the laundry list of reasons he would not be happy with her and why it wouldn’t work with her and how things with me were so good, but he still could not help but feel “what if he went back” Logistically they are 2 ½ hours apart. So I know he doesn’t see her except every few months when he goes to her town on business. I did ask if he had sex with her since we were together and he said no. I feel like that is true, He has not lied about anything related to her before, he always tells me when he sees her and what they talk about. I also asked if he wanted to break up with me, and he again said no.

Basically I told him that I was not going to try to “compete” with her. He needed to make a choice. He said he knew that. I also told him if he chooses her and then it didn’t work, I really did not see that I would ever take him back. And then we wound the conversation done and I cried myself to sleep. Sat. we had lunch and he looked me right in the eyes and said he was very sorry about last night. I told him I was sorry too, about the whole thing, but he should NEVER be sorry for sharing his true feelings.

So after this long dissertation, my question is…..what do I do now? With my history of having one abusive relationship and the hurt and diminished self worth that I had from that, I do not want to ever do that again. I love this man very much and wanted to use this summer to talk about the future and marriage because now I am ready…..seem like not a very good idea now. I honestly am not sure what to do with this huge elephant sitting in our room. I want to pretend that it is not there or just address it but I don’t want to bring it up daily either….I don’t want to try to be “better than her” or try to act in way that I am trying to “sell myself”…..Help!!!! He will be seeing her again on business next week and it has my stomach tied in knots. I told him I would like it if he would not see her, but I won’t tell him he can’t. I did say that I want to know what he decides. Any input is appreciated!

Lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:48am
'Sat. we had lunch and he looked me right in the eyes and said he was very sorry about last night. '

I am confused. Did he say his feelings for her were now gone? Does he want you back in a commmited relationship? Does he still wonder 'what if'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 1:24am
Sorry he had to lay that on me......he has unresolved feelings. I think he is trying for "closure" on this and can't or won't commit until then. But I know from my history that closure may never come and you have to move on. Men just really do think differently. He told me tonight he feels sorry for her because she is hurting but that he can't decide what the feelings are exactly. Hope that explains my problem better.

Lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:09pm
Well it has been a few days since he let the “cat out of the bag” about his ex. Some good, some low points. I have talked to three different friends, two of which advise me to just wait it out until he goes to see her next week. They know him well, one in fact has been a confidant for him in the past, so she has a pretty good idea of where he is coming from. The other has had a rocky relationship with her boyfriend and understands my feelings. The other never really liked him and told me to dump him. I am not ready for that.

He did call last night and ask me to come down to his place tonight. So I will, some of the conversation we have had have been face to face and some have been on “chats”. It is time for another face to face. They are of course harder, but that makes them more important.

One question I wanted to know form all of your collective wisdom, it is…..

How do y0u get through this and move along in the relationship?

Lily