his ex won't go away!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
his ex won't go away!
5
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 3:28am
Could someone please offer some advice! I've been with my boyfriend for one year and it's been very serious for the past six months or so. For the entire time though there have been constant dramas with his ex who he split up with six years ago. She never got over it - but never bothered trying to get over him. She hopes that one day they'll end up together so she keeps hanging in there causing problems for his relationships. She has caused continual dramas, calling up crying, screaming, incessantly calling, drama after drama. It's caused loads of problems in our relationship, just what she wants. She is on the edge and threatened to kill herself a few months ago when he attempted to cut back their contact. She just won't give up. Her latest effort include moving into the neighbourhood just one street back from him! And she moved into a place that doesn't allow cats so he had to take the cat they bought together over a decade ago. That means that she now has to visit "the cat" all the time and is constantly calling on weekends etc to discuss the cat or some other issue. My partner recently went interstate for 3.5 weeks and I couldn't stay at his place to look after the cat so she moved in. She even sent his mother a Xmas present! If she rings at home and he's not there, she'll immediately call the mobile adn if he doesn't answer it she'll keep ringing and leaving text messages. It's unbearable. I'm at the end of my tether, I can't take much more. It's just that there has been so much drama that I'm worn out over it. There are three of us in the realtionship - one that is stalking us! Should I bow out, is it acceptable for him to have this ex who has never gotten over him entrenched in his life? Shouldn't he have cut off the relationship years ago? He even states that he gets fed up with her constant psychotic episodes but he won't get rid of her. Yet, it's affecting his relationship! A few weeks ago I was on the phone to him and we were talking about stuff, her included and he failed to mention that she was there having dinner with him!!! He said he lied to me because he didn't want to upset me. But what is he doing have dinner with her when she's so destructive?! He wants me to move in with him but I won't mainly because of this. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:47am

His behavior is totally unaccaptable.I would say that hers is too, but we already know that much and to me, she seems a couple fries short of a happy meal.Thing is, is he lets her act this way.He has to put his foot down.Get a restraining order, change your #.Now, he can even change his cell number without changing companies ( gotta love technology), so he cant use that as an excuse to not cut the ties either. As for the cat...bless its heart, but is he really willing to lose a relationship over a cat?Tell him to give it back to her and let her find something to do with it.


Point is, there are tons of things that he COULD be doing to try to end this all, but hes not.How long has this all gone on?Not just forever with you, but with all his ex flames.It wont end.


 

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:17pm
It is obvious that HE is contributing equally to keeping their relationship alive. He did not in any way HAVE to take her cat. That was her problem. He has made no attempts to change at least his cell phone number. He allowed her into his home and he eats dinner with her and hides it from you. He is being insensitive to your feelings. I would let him know in no uncertain terms that if he does not take strong steps to totally exclude her from your life together, that I would be gone. You do not deserve this constant upset. You can find someone who does not encourage this baggage. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:03pm
I agree. Your BF has excessive baggage, and it doesn't look like he wants to get rid of it. The ex is an insane stalker, and a restraining order could have taken care of her a long time ago. The fact that your ex did not take this measure IN 6 YEARS is a bad sign. Not only he didn't ask for a restraining order, with all the trouble that she causes he even is friendly with her! I understand that you don't want to put up with that: if he does not drastically cut her out of his life, you may consider leaving him to deal with the baggage. She should not be his problem, and definitely not yours. I know you feel that she would be getting what she wants if you two break up; but your priority should be your own happiness, and it seems to me that you are not happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:10pm

are you serious? you are asking what you should do? kick his sorry B**T to the curb, that's what. honey, he is playing with you!!! if he "really" was unhappy with her antics - why would he be having DINNER with her? if he had enuf of her - she wouldn't be around.


you are talking about an affair that ended SIX YEARS AGO .... sorry - but this stinks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:19pm
I agree with the two replies you have rec'd so far.

She behaves this way because she can, because he allows it and has been unwilling to be the *bad guy* and set boundaries with her. He's also sending mixed messages by meeting her for dinner. It feeds her false hope that there is still a chance for her to get him. He doesn't say or do anything to enforce the boundaries because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, so that tells the world (you, us reading this and her) that HER feelings are more important to him then his own (hmmm, codependent behavior) or your feelings, which in turn makes you feel that the relationship you have with him isn't important enough for him to stand up to her and cut things off with her. Some times you have to be cruel to be kind. Meaning in the long run, it's better to hurt her with the truth so she can move on and deal with her issues. Another component that comes to mind is that he continues with this 'relationship' with her because he likes the attention. It feeds his ego.

So, you have to decide what you want - someone that won't stand up to her because he's such a nice guy that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, yet it's ok to hurt yours, someone that still *dates* his ex, someone that wants you to move in IMO hoping that you will be the buffer and will let her know passively that he's moved on, someone that allows his ex to stay at his house, etc. Personally, I'd take myself out of the equation, as painful as that is. Dr Phil would tell him to get a backbone. Counseling might help him deal with his codependency isses and point out the mixed messages he's sending to her and thereby doing her no favors in helping her move on with her life.

My best to you.


Carrie