His Family and our relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
His Family and our relationship
4
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 10:08am
I've been with my partner who hails from the Ukraine, for a little over 2 years, most of which (18 months) was conducted as a long distant relationship. Right now we're living together in his 2 bed appartment, which on my arrival (17th Dec. 2003), was also occupied by his brother and to some extent, his mother, who also had keys to let herself in. She drifted between my partner's place and his sister's as she visits from the Ukraine quiet regularly.

Key points to note are: I'm more than 10 years older than partner, we both have children (his being 5 and mine's at university), I used to live alone in a 3 bed loft appartment, I absolutely treasure my privacy, my partner has had upto 4 other people residing with him at any one time, I neither speak Russian nor Ukraininan.

I initially got along with his mother as best as I could(she doesn't speak any English, apart from "hello, "phone", "excuse me" and "good-bye") and his brother who was living there, treating them with the respect as one would when meeting new people, etc. Also, when I arrived, no-one in his family ever mentioed how pleased they were for my partner that the two of us were finally together. I firmly believe that they expected me to sit quietly in the corner whilst they continued doing everything the same prior to my arrival. For example, my partner's mother would turn-up at 8:30am and by 9am start cooking in the kitchen, which is diretly opposite our bedroom. The noise and the smell were unbearable. She would potter around until 12pm, then commence cooking again, stop to collect my partner's son from school and start cooking AGAIN. On one occasion, we came home at 1:45am and, yes, she was preparing deep-fried chicken. Then there were issues about her coming in and cleaning, do the washing, etc. For some people this may sound like heaven, but for me the intrusion was galling. There was no privacy, his brother is one of the most unhygenic and dirtiest people I know, but I was instructed not to say anything to him, although I was expected to live like this. I wasn't working, which didn't help matters and when I asked my partner to let me work in his bar, the answer was a firm "No". If I needed any money, all I had to do was ask him! Bear in mind, that I was constantly asking him to talk to his mother and his brother about the noise, smell, cleaning, lack of privacy, etc. Ultimately, nothing was done to alleviate the situation. Everything came to head when his brother mis-heard something I said and was subsequently rude to me. My partner was present at the time and explained in Russian what I'd exactly said, but his brother refused to apologise, even when he realised he was wrong. Worse still, the brother went to complain to his mother, who was on the verge of confronting me (how, when she doesn't speak any English?), but was told to back off by my partner. From this point everything went downhill, fast. After this, I avoided both the brother and mother, locking myself in our bedroom, when they were around. To cap it all, I arranged a 'quality-time' day for my partner, his son and I to spend Sunday together at home. I would prepare a huge Sunday lunch and home-made popcorn to eat whilst we all sat together on the bed, watching a video. I felt this was an important step to acqaint myself with the son in familar surroundings for him. This was subsequently ruined by my partner's mother, who let herself in (we were all in bed)first thing, waking up his son to take him to the shops!! Firstly, she'd just had his son for three days upto the Saturday afternoon when we picked him up. Secondly, for some unknown reason, my partner failed to mention to her that we'd already had things planned for Sunday. When she returned, she stayed! My partner still didn't say anything to her. I was now well into preparing lunch. My partner's son asked for a drink of milk. My partner agreed, but out of the blue, his mother came into the kitchen, said something in Russian, snatched the drink, went into the fridge, took out a tupperware container and ladled out soup and whatever into a bowl. Excuse me, but she could quite easliy see what I was doing. For me, I'd had enough. I packed my bags and walked out. By the time, my partner caught-up with me and brought me back, his mother had emotionally thrown her keys at him, stating she wasn't wanted at our place and that he hated her. I spent my first Christmas with his family and their Russian friends. My partner invited his gay friend, who brought along his partner. It was the worst Christmas I've ever had. My partner's sister's husband (he's Turkish)erupted in fury towards the end shouting at the top of voice about my partner (and me) for hijacking their house and Christmas party, by serving the food we brought and for bring gay people into his house. It was absolutely awful. At that point, I'd been in the country only 8 days. What a welcome! Subsequently, I've kept my distance from all of them. I cannot handle the exclusive conversations in Russian. The people who can speak English, don't bother to converse longer than a couple of minutes in English, before reverting to Russian. In my eyes, it just isn't worth my time to put myself into such negative surroundings. Now my partner has stated that unles I "respect" his family, we don't have a relationship. He refuses to acknowledge that this is a problem that manifested itself months ago, denying that they may have contributed to this problem, but instead lays ALL the blame firmly at my feet. It's my fault. I'm the one who has to change. I'm the one who disrepects his family. He's shunned counselling as a waste of time, believing we should be able to sort things out ourselves. But we don't and can't. As he states, he has no intention of "changing" the way he communicates with his family in front of me. I'm so tired, unhappy about all of this There's so much more that I've left out. What can I do? Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:54am
veryisolated...

If you're a person who values her privacy..why have you decided to become involved with a man who has no problems sharing his house with his entire family? Pianoguy senses a major contradiction here!

The lack of communication issue, the cuisine, the noise, and the condition set forth by your partner that you have to "respect" his family (aka---REACT the way THEY want you to) is a good excuse to 'pack your bags and split'...don't you think?

The man doesn't appear to be happy with you...and vice versa. Besides...not every "cultural collaboration" between a man and a woman is always going to work! Why live in an atmosphere of disharmony if you don't have to?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:35pm
Pianoguy,

I would agree on the face of what I wrote there's a massive contradiction to my desire for privacy and then subsequently living in a 'commune'. This aspect of our relationship was discussed at length prior to my return and I was assured that most of the people would've left by the time I arrived. His brother was helping out with the rent, but (thankfully) has since left. His mother no longer has the keys, but stayed looking after my partner's son whilst I was away recently (something I was not too happy about considering all that's happenned). The issue is, my partner relies far too much on his mother and sister to look after his son. The boy also stays, on a regular basis, with his natural mother. So it's not as if he's struggling to raise him. In fact, I've yet to see my partner suddenly eave work because of something to do with his son. Whereas, I've had to change my plans to accomodate picking him up from school or taking him to his natural mother's house, etc. Yes, I do find this selfish and annoying.

My partner's mother is in an unloving, abusive relationship with her husband back in Ukraine, but refuses to leave him. She had also looked after (in Ukraine) my partner's son (that's another story as to why he was there) for two years, until he returned in March 2003. I sincerely believe that she uses the boy as a substitute for the love she doesn't receive from her own husband and totally believes that she is the only person that can look after him. Hence, the oblivious manner she treated me earlier this year. I've mentioned as much to my partner, but he doesn't even allow me to finish what I'm saying, even though it's quite apparent that this may well be the case. I feel that until he can open his eyes and see things objectively, there'll be no resolution to the impasse we've found ourselves in. There's much about his family that is truly shocking and dysfunctional, but he sees nothing wrong with them. However, as an outsider looking in, I find them insular and unwilling to make friends outside their own cultural group.

Should I persist with this relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:05pm
veryisolated...

Reread Pianoguy's first response to your original post...because YOU REAFFIRMED the advice I gave you! There's very little chance for change...on his side...or yours!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:19pm
Please forgive me for being so blunt, but this man DOES NOT RESPECT YOU!!!!!!

Dont let society trick you into believing that a womens role is to please her husband or that if you are 40 and not in a relationship that there is something wrong with you. Find your independence and move on. If they are not willing to work on themselves, then why should you sacrifice so much of yourself and your happiness?