his family, him and me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
his family, him and me
11
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:24pm
My b/f and I have been dating 3-1/2 years now. We've been living together for 3 of those years. For the first 2 years, I fit into his family perfectly. I had a falling out with one of them. She has a dominanting personality, is never wrong, and seems very vengeful and spiteful. She has managed to spread rumors about me to the entire family, who are extremely (almost abnormally) close. I have been excluded from family get-togethers, functions, etc. This has been going on for 1-1/2 years now and is getting worse. My b/f seems to have trouble balancing his family and our relationship. His family, mostly his brothers and their wives, have planned get togethers, parties, etc., he ends up going without me and lately has been coming home the next morning. How can I get his family to mind their own business and stay out of ours?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:46pm
You realize that it's wrong of him to leave you at home if you don't want to be? Have you thought of talking to members of his family about the situation and perhaps presenting your side of it? One thing is for sure it can't continue like this forever because if it hasn't already, it's going to cause problems in your relationship with your boyfriend. Especially if he is very close with his family - some how the resentment is going to fall on you. No matter how awkward it feels, you have to make an effort to talk about what happenened and come to some sort of resolution because being a non-entity to someone's family is going to be very hurtful. And if they still leave you out, then at least you put effort forth and might help the cause for your boyfriend to also stand up to the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:29pm
::How can I get his family to mind their own business and stay out of ours?

You can't, only he can. He has to be the one to stand up for you and his relationship with you. He needs to tell them, 'she's in my life. If she's not invited, I won't be attending.'


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:45pm
I realize it's very wrong, very emotionally destructive. I have tried to speak to the family members to no avail. They resent the fact that I said I wanted to poison the family (which I never said), some family members have changed the locks on their homes to I can't "plant" anything inside and have them busted. Just one sick funny joke to them is played consistently. When they are confronted, they lie about it. It almost sounds like a dead-end. My b/f on the other hand says he has talked with each of his siblings and has told them how he feels about me. I just can't see this continuing if what he said to them was without doubt on his part. When we are together, we have a terrific time. I've noticed when he spends too much time with them, he comes home snappy, questioning, angry. But I see the other side of him when we are together. We're not kids here. I am 42 and he is 37. His family members, brothers 35 and 39, brother-in-law is 41, and the one who caused this from the beginning, his aunt, who is 44 years old. I have never in all my life been in a situation anything near to this. After 1-1/2 years of trying to "fix" this problem, I have been losing parts of ME.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:09pm
I think I'm missing something here. Why would they think that you said you'd poison them? And why would they think you would "plant" something and get them busted? They would actually go to those lengths for a joke?

I'd agree that this is up to your boyfriend to clear up. Why does he go to these functions without you and not come back until the next day? Also, have you tried talking to the family members yourself? If so, what do they say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:15pm
They have minded thier own business and stayed out of yours.

They've disassociated from you for their own reasons and purposes.

It's simple..you're not included. Nothing you do will get you included. Because nothing you did got you included to begin with.

He's having to juggle priorities not choose - between a family that he has deep alliances, ties, bond, and emotional security with...and you - who he has spent less time with and invested less in than them.

He's going to them whenever he wants...and it just makes less sense to leave early enough to get home to you...whe he could sleep there and come home the next morning.

He's not choosing them over you - he's choosing them AND you. It's just that you and them don't get along or comingle so he is forced to juggle his time spent between the two oppositional parties.

But he's not choosing them over you...just as he didn't choose you over them.

The reality is..it'll be this way for a lifetime until either one of you ends the relationship with each other.....or until you and his family compromise and mend the rift.

But they're not "in your business". HE's choosing ot go to them because he has a bond with them...and he's choosing to be with you because he has a bond with you, as well. But because there is no harmony between these two parties - it requires him to be like a non-custodial parent of an infant - and travel daily across the city to see the child he loves...while living with a mate he also loves.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com



Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:10am
I went through a similar situation - not because of a misunderstanding but because of my age. My boyfriend was 28 and I was 18 and the family felt I was too young and had a bit of a problem accepting the union. My dad wasn't thrilled either - but my family adjusted better then his did. They weren't bad people - they just didn't think we belonged together with a decade between us. Even so, it was very hurtful to me because it hurt to feel invited, but yet unwelcomed. He would have the similar reaction after visitng with him when I wasn't present. He would come home and be on the defense with me like we had a huge argument before he left.

You can't dismiss someone's family....even if they want to dismiss you. I don't think leaving you home is going to help matters much. If you didn't say anything wrong, then you shouldn't be punished for it. I know its easier to not go because frankly, who wants to be where they feel unwanted? But by you being with him (and him taking you) it shows you both support the relationship and each other.

Its great that he tells them how he feels about you - but it's his voice against a crowd. You should be apart of these discussions bescause I can garauntee when you aren't there, your stand point isn't even considered.


Edited 5/21/2004 9:11 am ET ET by ravenlocks22
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:48am
It's just so sad. We're both in love with each other. This is not new to this family. They love drama. It's a pattern that has involved each of the siblings and their wives. My b/f just needs to learn to stand up to them. They intimidate him and in the process is chipping away at our relationship. Each of the wives have had to deal with this but now that it's my turn, it's ten times fold.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:59am
You make it sounds as if they have this huge problem with me. It's not like that. There seems to be a pattern in this family. Ex-g/f and wives have been down the same road. What started as a rife between his aunt and I, has now involved the whole family. The aunt started a joke about another family member I didn't want to be involved in. Because I didn't stick with the joke, basically kept my mouth shut, the joke blew up at her. She is now getting revenge. She has told lies to each person in this family that she knows isn't the truth. She is rolling in laughter at watching everyone else keep their distance, all because I won't be a part of her sick jokes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:06am
What do they say? Nothing that I consider weight in water. They say that I'm only trying to pull him away form the family. That I shouldn't flash my boobs and my underwear (???). One even suggested that her husband was not at all impressed with a pair of shoes and I tried on one day.... They will only send letters, no face-to-face contact. The letters seem full of jealously. There's absolutely no reason for it. Here's another little tidbit....the oldest brother gets married a few years back. the youngest brother gets married around the same time. The youngests brother's wife has an affair with the older brother, breaks up their marriage, gets divorced from her own and then marries the oldest brother. Now, the oldest brother and his new wife (divorced from the youngest brother), hang out with the youngest brother and his new g/f. When the g/f has a problem with this, the oldest brother and his new wife (from the youngest brother), tell them that's the way it is. The four of them are going to hang out and that's that! Now, this gives you an idea of how much of a push-over the oldest brother is. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong......
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:38am
Don't take this the wrong way, but this family sounds really strange. They seem to have no regard for anyone's feelings...(the girlfriend/older brother/younger brother story)is really hard to fathom. I can imagine the frustration of trying to talk to people who seem to like watch others squirm for entertainment.

I'm sorry there has to be so much stress with someone you love. I would focus on what you have together and perhaps try the best you can to get along with his family without being apart of any antics that may arise.

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