His father is coming between us!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
His father is coming between us!
4
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:12pm
I need some advice!! I have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend. We love each other very much. My issue is with his father. Unfortunately, I cannot stand the man. He is fast approaching 50, and a few years ago decided he was going to "find himself". So he quit his job and informed by boyfriend that he was now going to support the both of them. He has told my boyfriend his entire life that he would be nothing without him. Their relationship is about as unhealthy as you can get. The problem is it's getting in the middle of our relationship. The man has no desire to work so he spends his days mooching people for money. He has no home and spends every day at my home eating and bathing and watching television. He says he's looking for work but I find that difficult to believe when during the day he's at my house and at night he's at the bar.

I don't want him in my house all of the time. I do not want to be yet another pansy on the long list of people he uses. My boyfriend needs to believe his father is changing, but I don't believe it for a second. I'm afraid he's just going to hurt and disappoint my boyfriend again. I don't want to be around that kind of toxic person, but I'm afraid I might lose my boyriend if I make that decision. What do I do? HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:24pm
He can not get into the middle of your relationship without your (you and your boyfriend) permission.

You can't change this man and his behavior. He has to want to change and to see that he has problems.

It sounds like your boyfriend is allowing himself to be used by his father. This has probably been the case all his life but now he needs to take responsibility and stand up for himself. If you don't see that happening then you will have to accept it or leave.

Is your bf willing to go to counseling to find a way to let go or confront his father?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 6:06pm
he's very willing, but has no insurance right now. hopefully that will all work out soon.

i know that this man won't come between us unless i let him. and i am fairly certain he's not going to change. would you if you didn't have to work all day and still live? the man has never taken responsibility for anything in his life. i don't see him starting to do so now.

my bf feels like he owes his father...which, of course, is what his father's been telling him verbally and non-verbally all of his life. i know that's a tough thing to break out of. and he does love his father. it's just so unhealthy.

as far as confronting him....both he and i have tried to talk to him. the man will not listen. everything is our fault, none of this is his doing, and we should be ashamed of ourselves for talking to him like that. beating your head against the while will give you better results.

i feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. i don't want to lose him, but i can't stand to see him do this over and over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 10:34am

There comes a time in the relstionship when you need to realize the value of what you have....and what you could lose if it isnt protected.You never said how long you two have been together, but i think he needs to make the decsion on who is more important, if you will. It would be different if they had a healthy, respectful relationship, but thats not the case and I think you need to do something.Otherwise, you will be just another person on his list of people he has used.


Your BF is letting your father drain him of everything, and in the process, is going down the drain right along with him. You need to look out for yourself, it is becoming apparent that your BF isnt.


Best Wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 11:07am
I'm a little confused. Who owns the house or apartment you live in? If you do, stand up for yourself. If you are a "guest," then its time to get your own place.