His female "Friend"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
His female "Friend"
18
Mon, 03-03-2008 - 8:46am

My husband

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 12:28pm
BTDT. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but your partner has to be willing to listen and empathize. If he's feeling attacked, you'll get nowhere. Finally one night I told him that I was angry with myself for being with a man who puts his relationships with other women before my feelings and our relationship. He made no comment, but the lunch dates stopped. For now. It did not happen over night. We've been in therapy for almost two years.
Yes, it may be all in your head. Yes, you may be insecure and you can work on those things. But he, too, can do things to help you and show you that you're a priority with him. Everything in a marriage is negotiable and renewable. You used to ignore your feelings about her and now you're realizing that you can say no to this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 12:28pm

I'm not sure why I am so bothered by this relationship except that this woman has been intrusive into my relationship with my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 12:35pm
So I have a question then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 1:45pm

Yeah, the calling late at night would get under my skin, as well. Not because I would be

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 3:44pm

Thanks for the reply and yes, it does help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 9:55am
Have you asked him the question why is he pursuing this relationship with this friend when you're the dream? I think you can say and do anything, but you can't expect people to change their ways because you wish it was so. I think that you can talk to him using your I statements about how you feel, but I don't think that you can force another human being to do what you want without creating a lot of resentment, etc. You're not his mother to tell him what to do. If you threaten him with an ultimatum, be sure that you can follow through with it.
If he was feeling threatened by a colleague of yours and he told you he felt insecure about it...you may consider dropping the lunches because you don't want to hurt H. If he tells you that he wants to read your emails and that he doesn't want you to meet this guy for lunch anymore, you might not be so empathetic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 11:43am

Hi there:

I just posted a message, then began reading yours. As a guy, I see no room for this texting-to-the-extreme. To be quite honest, I guess I see no reason for any of it. I was raised by very successful parents, in and around classy people and relatives. They lived relationships and life by the bedrock principles of showing attention and affection to the one you are with, no one else. They have endured many years of marriage so how can they be wrong? I am just not into this new-era liberal mentality where relationships are a free-for-all without accountability. Plainly put, it is you or them (the "sister"). Stand your ground or let a professional tell your husband what he doesn't believe from you. These small breeches in the integrity of relationships are what allow for the bigger situations to set in. They are insidious to say the least. I have parameters and that is just that. Like the therapists said, how would your husband approve if you did the same to him? Appearance and presentation are everything to me. Just my opinion. Hope it helps.

RG

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:20am

Simply tell him that he has to cut this relationship out completely if he wants his relationship with you to thrive and survive. Tell him it makes you uneasy and you don't like living this way. If he loves you and wants you, then he has to put you first here and respect your feelings and needs. Be clear and strong about it. Some couples can tolerate a close friend of the opposite sex and many cannot. If it causes you ongoing discomfort it really has to be stopped.


All good wishes,

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