His 'LIFE-STYLE" of a Relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
His 'LIFE-STYLE" of a Relationship...
5
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:45pm
Where to start... We met on Match.com almost 2 years ago. Have been dating exclusively ever since... He has been married before and so have I. He is in AA and has been sober for about 13 yrs now.. He is such a Beautiful person, looks, personality, stable, friendly, wonderful friend and a great lover.. We have grown very close to each other..

After a few weeks of dating, he shared with me that he cheated on his ex-wife, after their not having a sexual relationship anymore.. Prior, they tried, by her suggestion, the Swing Clubs to get that passion and spark back- but it didn't work.. So he cheated and got caught... Later, he did the match.com thing and that's how we met.

I was a bit uncomfortable with the Swing Club thing, having never being exposed to it, but didn't feel at that time that it was something he was looking for in a new relationship.

About 4 mo's into our relationship, he shared something with me from his past, (when he did drink) and how it on occassion comes up now and then.. He had oral sex with a guy before that he enjoyed. I was shocked!! I first wanted to know if had did this while were dating, he said no.. And that he didn't plan on doing it again, just that he has these thoughts and he sometimes doesn't know how to react to them.. I went to see a counselor, by myself not knowing how to handle this..(I didn't tell him I was going) I had grown to love him so much in a short period of time.

I decided to continue with our relationship.. We had a very strong sex drive together. And what I mean by that is, we were very, let's say open to toys, movies and simply having fun in the bedroom. On vacations we stop in at a strip club with friends and have a fun time.. As our relationship progressed we found it fun to go to a Nudist Resort on two occassions...

Moving on.. we would sit and look at the nudist site's on line, add more toys to the bedroom.. Then, he started talking about how exciting it would be to have someone watch us having sex in the bedroom... Sure, the mere thought of it really sounded erotic and turned us both on...

Sorry, this is getting way to long... In short, he had told me that he doesn't think he can be in a "Committed Monogamous" relationship.. He has the need to sleep with other People, I am assuming women.. I was shocked and Well, naturally I asked him to move out... I could handle going to a Swing Club and having someone watch us, but not to introduce a 3rd party or another couple.. Let alone have someone else have sex with him. And he firmly knows how I feel about cheating.

Only about 4 months ago, we both sat with each other saying that we have a Beautiful Relationship here and how he loved our living together, etc..

I regret asking him to leave so abruptly without even having a full conversation on his feelings... We did talk after he moved out of which over a few days turned very negative..

His doing a 180* and blaming me for alot of things such as during our relationship, I only cared about where his "Dick" was and nothing of our relationship... The newness was gone with all the fun we had in the first year...

Bottom line.. I love him still, very much... I can't believe that something so beautiful came to this.. He says it hurts him too much to talk to me right now.. He loves me more than I'll ever know..

Is it possible his being in AA and sober is being replaced with this Sex Addiction?

He can't quite tell me how he feels about our relationship because he is so confused. He thinks of me daily.. He says he doesn't know what to think of our relationship.. He would always like to think we could at least be friends...

It's been 2 weeks now since he's moved out.. I miss him so much, but know that I can't give hime what he want's ( or at least say's he wants) in a relationship... Is the such a counseling that couples go to for this type of thing?

He says that he does not expect me to change who I am or my values, etc... But this is the LifeStyle he feel comfortable pursuing...

If anyone has experienced the same or similar type of relationship, I am certainly open to listen.

Thanks,

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:29pm
I have never been through anything like this, but I can say this, if someone is trying to persuade or manipulate (which it sounds like he is) into doing something, especially sexually, that you are not comfortable with it is time to say goodbye. It is very possible that he has replaced one addiction with another, it is also very common for people with addictions to seek new ways to get their endorphines flowing. Not to mention the fact that he has done things in his past that you are not comfortable with. You have to realize that if you say yes to this, then where does it stop? He sounds as though he's going to continue to raise the bar higher and higher. You cannot be with someone who is not completely worthy of your trust and it sounds as though this is a man who is not. It doesn't sound as though this is a very healthy relationship, I hope that you have the strength to really walk away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:01am
CatGirl215,

Thank you for reading my situation.. I have already come to terms that I need to move on and that this is not healthy for me.. However, it's only been 2 weeks and I still in my heart Love and miss him.

I am so use to being on the run on the weekends - with him... It's summer now and I find my self often bored.. I'm not quite ready to start dating yet, I need some time to come down fromt the shock of all this.

Another thing I didn't mention is that his mother was aware of his relationship issues. I called her to say goodbye last week and kind of explain what happened.. As I did here.. She was not surprised at all of the reasons.. She said she should have warned me and asked me if she should warn the next girl... Unbelievable...

Thanks again..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 12:43am
It sounds like you 2 have different goals in life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 7:16am

I applaud you for seeking help, for recognizing tht this was not healthy, and for getting out on time. I understand that its hard and painful:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 11:44pm
Thank you SK1960,

Yes, I did know there were red flags early on in our relationship..

Since my orig posting, We have been talking and communicating at a level that we

havent before.. I have a greater understanding of what he is trying to share with me.

Thru his suggestion, we are both going to counseling together starting tomorrow. There is a solid foundation of a true relationship here, outside of explicit sexual desires on his end. This is something we are willing to talk and work through..

This may be the beginning of re-starting our relationship, or the beginning to the end of what could have been a beautiful relationship.. I trust that everything happens for a reason, as I may not quite understand this one.

Thank you for writing.