Is his money not mine???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Is his money not mine???
14
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 5:17pm

Hey everyone!!
Im new to ivillage and excited to be here!

I have a weird situation and I dont know what to do about it.

I got married last month. It was after 2 years of dating and I think it was one of the best decisions of my life.

However, soon after we got married, things changed. We had our first serious fight only 10 days after the wedding and it made me feel like i had made the biggest mistake of my life. It was a silly argument that got blown out of proportion and we are both kinda the non compromising type. Anyways, after that incident although we patched up and he is back to being like he was, Im having a hard time being the same person I was. i am always too cautious about how I talk to him, what I tell him, how i react to situations etc. etc. Its almost like i feel I have to think a hundred times before I do anything because i DO NOT want to have another argument with him. This is an uncomfortable situation for me.

In the process of being the perfect non-nagging, not-arguing companion for him, I am someone else now and I think to some level i have distanced myself from him.

Now, here's the problem..I am a student and he has a decent job. I am not working anymore. i had some balance in my account before marriage (my parents supported me then). But now Im running out and I feel weird to ask him for money. Im sure he wont have a problem. After all its his duty to provide me. But how do I ask him this first time. Am I letting my ego get in the way? I also know his tendency to be very thrifty and I know he will want me to use money carefully. And even though im not a spender, I know that I dont want to be giving him accounts on how I spend money. This is also one of the reasons keeping me from asking him for money.

So how do I approach him? How do I keep our egos from destroying our marriage. OR am I just over thinking it?...It was easy to ask my dad for money. But I cant ask him!!!! why????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 5:33pm

Wow. I don't even know where to start with this one.

" After all its his duty to provide me."
You assume this, but not everyone feels that way. Did you ask him before you were married if he was okay with providing for you financially?

Sounds like the reason you had no arguments before marriage may have been because neither of you brought up what you expected of one another.

Don't you have a job? Why are you running out of money?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 5:47pm

I am currently in the last semester of my Master's degree and Im also actively job hunting. No luck yet :(...I used to work part-time before marriage and it took care of my bills. But the firm cut staff early january and I have been out of work since.

Before marriage we did discuss finances but it was different then because although part-time, i still had a job and would be contributing. Now the situation is different. And its not that he wont support me. It feels more like he wants me to ask him for money so he can have control over the finances. I just find it a little strange that for almost a month and a half after marriage a husband doesnt find the need to ask his unemployed wife if she needs any money for expenses. I know I would do it if I was the working spouse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 5:54pm

This is something that should have been discussed before marriage, but that's hindsight.

Why not suggest to him that you go open a new account together as a couple? You could start the convo by talking about how your parents handled money.

My parents always kept their money separate. My father always had the money and my mother who didn't make as much money would often have to 'borrow' money from my dad to buy groceries. They were always bitter towards each other about money.

I let my husband know when we were dating and making plans to move in together that I believed in combining our incomes and making purchasing decisions together.

Everyone handles their money different, it's however you decide together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 6:02pm

Thanks Kannecat..

I thought of having a combined account too. But then i fear that sometime in the future we may end up controlling each other's spending. In this case, it will be him controlling my expenses because its 'his' money. So may be 'borrowing' from him is a better idea. And I honestly believe that is exactly what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 6:44pm

I think it would be ok for you to ask him to support your need for necessities (gas money, etc.). The economy stinks right now and there should be more support for people who are struggling to find jobs. I guess I understand his desire to control his own finances but why do you think he wants you to ask? Perhaps he doesn't want you to feel as though you're getting some kind of "charity" if that would bother you?

A joint account is a pretty good idea. But I think if you need to ask him to support you financially right now then that's reasonable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 7:19pm
I am confused - arent you paying the household bills from one account?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 9:09pm

Since our wedding, he has been paying most of the household bills (rent, electric, cable etc.). I did the groceries out of what I had in my account. But i need to pay for other bills that are mine alone and not his. For example my car payments, insurance installments on the car, some minimum amounts on credit cards etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 1:17am

How did it come about that you're not working anymore? Why did this change in job status not prompt money conversation when it happened.

I remember resiging from my job many years ago to persue some extra training. BEFORE I resigned, I discussed with my ex-husband how the finances would work and made sure he was OK with it before I resigned.

In the case that you may have been retrenched, this money conversation should have happened back then. My now husband has been retrenched a few times and we always immediately discuss how things will work financially while he's unemployed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 3:50pm
My company laid off people during the time I took off to get married. I returned from my honeymoon and got the bad news. Since we were still in the 'happy' phase, this discussion never happened. In fact all he said was 'dont worry atleast I have a job' and that was very comforting to me. But now its as though he has forgotten that I am not working and have bills to pay (phone, gas, credit cards etc.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 4:02pm

There's a lot of assuming going on here. But what you guys need is an adult, calm conversation about what to do while you have no income. Tip: if anyone starts yelling or getting flustered, take a full 20 MINUTE time out. Resume after 20 minutes and calm.

Don't do any more assuming for right now (his money is mine, or he should be asking me for money, or it's his duty to support me). It's time to have a marital meeting about what to do. Neither of you know what each other is thinking because this situation has not be discussed yet.

Get your facts lined up before you talk to him. Figure out how many months you'll need support for, tally up all the bills you have per month, figure out spending money, and ask him to work with you on a budget to get you through till you have a job. He'll have a better picture about what you need and want.

Then when you have a job, jointly decide what to do with finances. yes, some couples keep their money separated, some combine accounts, some do a mixture of both. It has to be work works for you two and what you are happy with.

Now for being scared of asking him a question and walking on eggshells only after one month of marriage, get thee some marriage books or counseling before you end up going downhill. Does he know how badly it scarred you? As in you tip toe around him now? If not, you should tell him. His reaction will say a lot.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman

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