His parents control him
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| Mon, 12-17-2007 - 9:18pm |
My boyfriend and me have been together for a year. Just before we met he had come back from a long working holiday in Australia and had to move in with his parents because of financial reasons. I've always accepted this, and had no problem with it. He is 30.
I've noticed for a long time he is close to his family, and that's good. But just recently I've been noticing that maybe it's an unhealthy closeness. It started a week ago, when his father told me in no uncertain terms I was to "leave his son alone because I am in his face too much and never let him see his friends." He ended with a threat of "If I do not leave him alone he'll do something else about it."
I was shocked, and the man berated me over the phone until I was in tears. I was his sons girlfriend of a year and he spoke to me like I was a stalker! When I spoke to my boyfriend he told me he had a few problems with out relationship but had gone to his Mum and Dad instead of me. He reassured me I was not in his face too much and did not stop him seeing his friends. His father rung me to apologise, but I have not been round his house since, he comes to me.
It took me a while to forgive him, but there aways seems to be something at the back of my mind now, that is saying he may never commit to me because of his controlling parents, or the fact he would be scared to leave. His Dad even tells him "If you leave I won't be able to pay the mortgage so will have to move out as well."
On top of that his Dad wants to eventually buy my boyfriend and his brother a flat, even though my boyfriend does not want to live with his brother, instead he wishes to move in with me in the future.
So here's where I'm confused, how much time is a healthy amount of time for a 30 year old man to spend with his family? I understand blood is thicker than water, but his family are interfering in out relationship.
Is it normal for his family to be annoyed at the amount of time he is spending with me? I never make him do anything he doesn't want to. But my main worry is, from what you've read above, does it sound like he may ever commit?
Thank you for any help and advice. I love this man with all my heart but can not stay with someone if there is no future, especially if we may not even get as far as moving in with each other.
Oh, and another quick question, how long did you wait until moving in with your other half, or how long would you see as healthy before moving in.
Thanks!

I agree, it seems that if you're interested in marrying this guy then you will have to marry his parents. Sure that's true of any couple where you marry into their family, but his closeness with his parents bothers you and that's important. It's also important to realize that it's not your place to cut the cord for him, and if you even hint at trying, you'll get more threats and resentment.
If you marry, be very sure of what you're signing up for. I would have run away from this relationship already. No it's not that normal for his family to be concerned of how much time he's spending with his girlfriend when he is 30 years old.
Although I highly advise against it in your case, we moved in after two and a half years together. I would suggest waiting at least a year and a half in a relationship before cohabitating.
As to the firsrt question - you have seen wyour future looks like.
"If you leave I won't be able to pay the mortgage so will have to move out as well."
On top of that his Dad wants to eventually buy my boyfriend and his brother a flat,
Does this make sense? it seems contradictory.Is he paying his parents mortgage?
At 30 he should be out on his own and thinking about the future, not living like a child. He is not acting like a 'man' or anyone ready for a healthy adult marriage.. Can you really live like this for the rest of your life, second to his parents?
Thank you everyone for you replies.
I know it contradicts itself, but I guess it's his Dad's way of saying "If you DO ever want to go, you'll be living with your brother. No one else."
I spoke to my boyfriend about this, and he has agreed he needs to cut the cord a bit. I guess only time will tell.