His past, do I have a right to be pissed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
His past, do I have a right to be pissed
7
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 10:03pm
I'll try and make this as short as possible... I need advice, HELP!

Met "him" through and online dating service in Aug 2002 and have been inseparable since. I'm 33, he's 43. From the beginning of our dating, he would always ask me about my past... who? what? where? when? It would drive me nuts... it's none of his business! But, the idiot I am, decided to answer his questions as honestly as I could without hurting his feelings. Then the big question... how many? I told him I wouldn't answer unless he went first (thinking he wouldn't). Well, he told me 10, so I told him my number: 14. He just about flipped. Since then, the topic comes up about once every 3-4 months... but we get through it. He proposed Sept 2003 and I said yes. We bought a house together in November... fast forward to now. He went away for the weekend and told me if I needed money, where he kept it. We needed a few things at the store, so I grabbed a $20 from his "stash" and came across a list.... list of women he's slept with. Let me tell you, there were more than 10 on that list! Let's try 60! I'm thinking "what a hypocrite!". He's made himself out to be such a saint! He's given me such a hard time about my past, asking me if I was a tramp or if I was a wild one when I was younger. (Hardly!) These arguments would always lead to me crying. (I hate losing control and crying like that in front of him.) Well, about that list, do I tell him I found it? Should I wait for him to bring up my past again before I confront him? It's really going to bug me. I still love the guy and I know he's the one. This is really the only issue we have a problem with, everything else is great. Is this a big hurdle to get over or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Edited 3/14/2004 11:25 pm ET ET by chantal330


Edited 3/14/2004 11:48 pm ET ET by chantal330

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 10:13pm
I think you had no right to snoop and both of you have trust issues with the other. Please get couples therapy before you marry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:39am
My ex-husband did the very same thing your SO is doing shortly after we got married (I didn't know him very well) I.e., questioning me about every detail of my relationships before him. Like you, I answered his questions. Ever after that, every time we got into any kind of argument, he dragged it all up to use against me. He also shared every intimate detail of his encounters to the point that I no longer felt like it was just the two of us. It was utterly sickening.

I know you feel like this is your only major problem right now, but it really sounds like things are just going to get worse between you and him the more he feels he has power over you, for example, a marriage certificate. I don't think you were snooping, you just went and got some of the money he told you about. He may have wanted you to see that list, although I don't want to speculate. At the very least, however, it sounds like he keeps a list of his exploits as a sort of trophy to himself, kind of like other types of criminals keep some memorabilia of their crimes. I hate to say it, but he sounds really unhealthy to me. It sounds like sex is about gaining power over others for him. He wants as much information about you as he can to get power over you. If it was just healthy interest, he wouldn't push you past your comfort level. I'd be extremely careful of a guy like this. He sounds like his values are all skewed, and like he's possibly dangerous. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:14am
You two should stop dragging your past into your current relationship. Why does it matter? Everyone has slept with someone, had their heart broken, been in a bad relationship, etc. The only thing he needs to know is that whatever happened in your past paved the road for the healthy relationship that you have now. The only problem I see with it is the fact that you kept letting the past affect what you have now. I'd tell him that I found the list and since it's 6 times more than the amount of women, he should not be judging your number. You both need to get over this and let it be water under the bridge. It's not important.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:20am
Did he put the list next to the money (so you would find it?) or did you look through drawers other than the one where the money is?

The numbers conversation should never happen in my opinion. My husband and I met 8 years ago and we have never talked about that. It is really none of each others business and only leads to someone getting hurt or using it against each other. Of course you already know that.

Regardless, he has lied to you. And the lie is not the biggest issue as his controlling ways and name-calling (tramp) are. Does he trust you? Does he have a temper?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:53pm
What a guy! He is a hypocrite. He baits you, lies to you, calls you names (under the guise of humor) and has a huge ego to boot - keeps a list.....

Think seriously about whether or not you want to marry this guy.

Personally, I think I'd bring it up...as I'm sure he knew you would find the list when you needed money.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:16pm
My boyfriend read your post and said blow the list up to banner size and have it hanging up over the door when he comes home - LOL - just kidding. His sense of humor isn't appreciated by all. That would be overkill.

I think I would hand him the list and say, so which of these 10 did you sleep with?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:30pm
I wonder if this "list" is really legit. I mean really, who keeps a written list of the people they've slept with?? I wonder if he made it up and left it where she would be sure to find it because he has an inferiority complex and he's insecure. The fact that she claims to have been with more prior lovers than he has probably sticks in his craw and does damage to his male ego. She could either immediately confront him that she found it and demand an explanation for his lies, or she could tell him she got some extra money and never mention the list, and watch it drive him crazy wondering if she found the "bait." LOL.