His past, do I have a right to be pissed
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| Sun, 03-14-2004 - 10:03pm |
Met "him" through and online dating service in Aug 2002 and have been inseparable since. I'm 33, he's 43. From the beginning of our dating, he would always ask me about my past... who? what? where? when? It would drive me nuts... it's none of his business! But, the idiot I am, decided to answer his questions as honestly as I could without hurting his feelings. Then the big question... how many? I told him I wouldn't answer unless he went first (thinking he wouldn't). Well, he told me 10, so I told him my number: 14. He just about flipped. Since then, the topic comes up about once every 3-4 months... but we get through it. He proposed Sept 2003 and I said yes. We bought a house together in November... fast forward to now. He went away for the weekend and told me if I needed money, where he kept it. We needed a few things at the store, so I grabbed a $20 from his "stash" and came across a list.... list of women he's slept with. Let me tell you, there were more than 10 on that list! Let's try 60! I'm thinking "what a hypocrite!". He's made himself out to be such a saint! He's given me such a hard time about my past, asking me if I was a tramp or if I was a wild one when I was younger. (Hardly!) These arguments would always lead to me crying. (I hate losing control and crying like that in front of him.) Well, about that list, do I tell him I found it? Should I wait for him to bring up my past again before I confront him? It's really going to bug me. I still love the guy and I know he's the one. This is really the only issue we have a problem with, everything else is great. Is this a big hurdle to get over or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
Edited 3/14/2004 11:25 pm ET ET by chantal330
Edited 3/14/2004 11:48 pm ET ET by chantal330

I know you feel like this is your only major problem right now, but it really sounds like things are just going to get worse between you and him the more he feels he has power over you, for example, a marriage certificate. I don't think you were snooping, you just went and got some of the money he told you about. He may have wanted you to see that list, although I don't want to speculate. At the very least, however, it sounds like he keeps a list of his exploits as a sort of trophy to himself, kind of like other types of criminals keep some memorabilia of their crimes. I hate to say it, but he sounds really unhealthy to me. It sounds like sex is about gaining power over others for him. He wants as much information about you as he can to get power over you. If it was just healthy interest, he wouldn't push you past your comfort level. I'd be extremely careful of a guy like this. He sounds like his values are all skewed, and like he's possibly dangerous. Take care.
The numbers conversation should never happen in my opinion. My husband and I met 8 years ago and we have never talked about that. It is really none of each others business and only leads to someone getting hurt or using it against each other. Of course you already know that.
Regardless, he has lied to you. And the lie is not the biggest issue as his controlling ways and name-calling (tramp) are. Does he trust you? Does he have a temper?
Think seriously about whether or not you want to marry this guy.
Personally, I think I'd bring it up...as I'm sure he knew you would find the list when you needed money.
Carrie
I think I would hand him the list and say, so which of these 10 did you sleep with?
Carrie