His wife uses child 2 keep him from me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
His wife uses child 2 keep him from me
13
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:25am
Any advise on my situation would be much appreciated. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. However he happens to be married. After 2 happy but stressful years patiently waiting for him to leave his unhappy marriage he moved in with me. We were very very happy 2gether. My boyfriend left a 7 year old little boy behind when he left his marriage but manages to see quite a lot of him. The problem is, I don't think he ever got over the guilt of breaking up his family and although he quite clearly wants to be with me rather than his wife she is (for obvious reasons) totally against me and does everything in her power to entice him back. she did have a boyfriend for a lttle while but they and me and my boyfriend ended up splitting up because my boyfrind got jealous over anohter man wanting to play dad to his little boy.

We are back together now after 2 weeks but I have had to pester him to tell her that he is living back with me (which he has today - I don't know the result of that yet!) But over Easter they have been going out for family days out together and going round and for tea & stuff while Ive been at work. ALthough I know deep down he would always prefer to be with me his little boy will always keep him tied to her and she will take him back at any given opportunity. I'm scared that one day he might just see how easy it would be to slot back into the family again and I'm gonna end up drinving him back by constantly getting uptight about it! Advice please!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:32am
You got problems.

1) it took him two years to leave her

2) he got jealous of another man being with his son (with her too)

3) he feels guilty over breaking up his home with her and his child

While 2 & 3 are normal feelings that must be dealt with, from what you wrote, it doesn't seem to me that he's done anything to heal, grieve, move on, become self-aware (read that go to counseling and figure out his life so he can live with his choices, decisions, and actions.

You will continually get hurt in this scenario. Suggest couple's counseling, start out with him, maybe you will get lucky and he will keep going alone and work on his issues.

Beware however, enlightenment of oneself often leads to more changes that won't necessarily include the current relationship.

Reading material:

How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind by Robyn Todd

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:48am
Hi,

my advice is not one that you probably want to hear. But since you have asked here goes.

The victim in this is that little boy. His life has been turned upside down by the adults in his life not being able to keep it together. His parents should be showing him by example how adults should behave, not daddy running off and living with a new woman and mommy bringing in a replacement daddy. Cut your loses, do you want to share the father of your children with another woman? He should go home and make his marriage work and be a father to his child. Find yourself a man whom is avail. to you soley. It is not going to get easier or better, hasnt 3 yrs and a break up proven that already? think about it. someone in this equasion needs to stand up for that little boy, do the right thing, time for the adults to put aside their sex and love lives and think about what that little guy has to deal with.

good luck

jamie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:52pm
Good reply. I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 7:03pm
I don't wish to contradict the previous posts. However, I feel compelled to offer another viewpoint. I can't help wondering why he was so unhappy with his wife before. Was she a bad wife and mother? It's possible that he saw things wrong with her, but couldn't quite decide what to do about them. He met you, and sort of let himself go. I'm all for the holy union of marriage, but sometimes people, including men, find themselves in abusive relationships.

It sounds to me like he's confused. He needs to be able to assess his marriage without considering you in the equation. If she's a decent person, he should have stayed, and if she's not, he should have left WITH his boy, whether he had you or not. Some of this is pretty much moot, I guess, but I do agree whole heartedly that all of you should do what's best for the child. However, that may not include his wife. I can't help wondering why, if she's a good person, it sounds like she would use their son as a sort of "pawn" in this struggle to get him back. What does she want her husband back for? Why would she want a man back who would leave her for no other reason than another woman? Unless there are other reasons. Of course, I don't know all that's going on. It's just something to ponder. Good luck with whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:08am
Thank you for your comments. Yes his wife is a good mother and I think she's probably a reasonable person too. But the background is this. There are 12 years between them. She fell pregnant as soon as they met and at the age of 18 my boyfriend thought it was the decent thing to marry her and buy a house(she was 30). It didnt take long for him to realise he had done the wrong thing as they had very little in common and were two very very different people. He believes she trapped him by getting pregnant, he was nowhere near ready had found himself trapped in a situation he really didn't want to be in at that age. He tried to leave numerous times, normally for a few months at a time but always ended up feeling guilty and moving back.

When he met me he wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing by me before he left and that we were steady enough to last and be worth leaving his child for. We were very good together and after 2 yrs he left and has lived with me for a year now. He would never take his child away from his mother, not becasue he didn't want to but because their bond was too strong for him to break.

Now he's with me and I can't help being jealous by his need to remain a family, going on family trips etc. But his downfall is that he can't seem to say that he doesnt want her anymore. He contunues to get along with her because he likes a quiet life but she reads it all the wrong way and I get upset about it! We love each other very very much, you couldn't meet a more perfect couple (all the complications aside) I know he wants to be with me but she is using his child to pull him back. Like you said she uses him exactly like a 'pawn'. In my eyes. she holds to trump card (their child) and she pulls out all the stops and uses their child as soon as things are not going her way. Should I just cut my losses and go? I believe we would both lose a lot, and given time, even if he did go back he would only end up leaving again. What on earth should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:44pm

i am a little mixed up - is he NOW divorced? have they filed for divorce? does he pay child support?


i was just wondering - if he felt 'trapped' , and has been 'trapped' since he was 18, so now he is just going to voluntarily go from this marriage straight to you? that doesn't add up....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:32pm
The situation isn't quite adding up in my mind. IF she is such a nice person, I just can't see how she would be pulling out all the stops, using their son, whenever things aren't going her way. It sounds like he's a reasonable person and that even though he married her at 18 because she was pregnant, if she was decent, he would still do the right thing by her. For some reason, he doesn't seem to feel he's able to. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I will tell you that I have known many, many people that weren't what they seemed. I guess what I'm getting at is, there's something that is driving him away. I don't think it's just because of you. I guess I would do some investigative work. This is weighing heavily on both of you; you both need peace of mind. Maybe someone knows her better than you two do. I don't know. It's possible that he could just be bored, but since his guilt drives him back, I doubt it. There's more going-on here. It almost sounds like she has some sort of strange hold over him, since he can't really say he doesn't want her, you said. Yet, he's not just jerking you around. He sounds like a victim of sorts. I guess that since your relationship has gotten this far, I wouldn't just quit it. You both owe it to each other to get all the information and make a decision based on that, I think. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 4:56am
Thank you, I'm not totally giving up but it does seem to be getting harder to hold on. She seems to be turning his son away from him and this is what keeps him hanging on and hanging on. He desperately wants to prove that just because he doesnt want to be with her doesnt mean he's not a good dad but she seems to make him feel that the only way he can be a good dad is by living with them and remaining married to her. Yes they are still married but divorce is on the cards. I have no doubt that their child would be happier if he lived away as all they do is argue when they are together and the child is quite obvioulsy affected. Yet they argue about her begging him to come home and him not wanting to. She makes him feel so bad and makes out he's such a bad father for leaving them he starts to believe it - it is then he seems to think to himslef - maybe it would just be easier for me to move back, sit tight and remain unhappily married for the sake of his child.

He has seen a Doctor who has put him on to a counsellor to help him sort it all out in his head. But this is a slow process and he has decided to stay with his parents while he get's himself sorted. This is the hardest thing in the world for me because we are normally so happy together and I have had to agree to sit back out of his way while he sorts that part if his life out. Thank you again for your advise, it has done me good to talk to someone. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:28am

i am very sorry for all of this, and i feel your pain. however, i must say that your BF got himself into a mess - and not only is he hurting himself - but he is hurting you, and his kid, and his marriage. YOU may think of his wife as the wicked witch of the west (and maybe she is, we don't really know her, all i know is what you are telling us) ----- but she is his wife. and he may have married her at age 18 to do the honorable thing - but he did marry her. they are BOTH to blame in all of this, and they BOTH need to do whatever they need to do, to either fix the marriage or move on. by moving on - i do not condone him starting a NEW relationship with another woman, he needs to finish up the marriage first (and let me tell you that there is a BIG difference between being divorced, and "divorce is on the cards").


this man is and will always be his boys father, and he will be as involved in his son's life as he chooses. this has nothing to do with the child's mom - it has to do with your BF's choice. and this whole mess could have been avoided by BOTH of them growing up and doing the right thing for themselves and for their child.


I am sorry that you are caught in the middle of all this, and sorry that you somehow think that you have a chance for a 'healthy relationship' ... your BF has a lot of work to do - both legal and therapy-wise - before he should be thinking about another relationship.


and even tho you didn't ask this - i can't help but putting my two cents in (and you can take my advice or leave it) ---- but i would strongly urge YOU to seek counseling as well. you hooked up with a man who IS MARRIED and the father of a young child, you are describing the mess and dysfunctionality that he is involved in, and you somehow keep repeating that you two were 'so happy together'.


good luck to you....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:22am
I agree. The whole time I was reading her posts, I was thinking that she really needs some help too. Maybe she doesn't even realize it, and thinks that everything will just magically disappear and they can be happy together, but that is far from realistic. To even involve yourself in a situation like this screams that you have issues you need to deal with.

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