His wife uses child 2 keep him from me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
His wife uses child 2 keep him from me
13
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:25am
Any advise on my situation would be much appreciated. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. However he happens to be married. After 2 happy but stressful years patiently waiting for him to leave his unhappy marriage he moved in with me. We were very very happy 2gether. My boyfriend left a 7 year old little boy behind when he left his marriage but manages to see quite a lot of him. The problem is, I don't think he ever got over the guilt of breaking up his family and although he quite clearly wants to be with me rather than his wife she is (for obvious reasons) totally against me and does everything in her power to entice him back. she did have a boyfriend for a lttle while but they and me and my boyfriend ended up splitting up because my boyfrind got jealous over anohter man wanting to play dad to his little boy.

We are back together now after 2 weeks but I have had to pester him to tell her that he is living back with me (which he has today - I don't know the result of that yet!) But over Easter they have been going out for family days out together and going round and for tea & stuff while Ive been at work. ALthough I know deep down he would always prefer to be with me his little boy will always keep him tied to her and she will take him back at any given opportunity. I'm scared that one day he might just see how easy it would be to slot back into the family again and I'm gonna end up drinving him back by constantly getting uptight about it! Advice please!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:19am
Hi, once again I'm tipping the boat the other way. I think you're doing the right thing. You're allowing him to sort this out in his head on his own. Also, he may have some fault, but my guess is it's not 50%. She was several years older than him when they married, "trapped" him and had a tremendous advantage in terms of age and experience, especially if he was kind of innocent. How many guys do you know that would marry to "do the right thing"? I don't know many.

The mother of his child shouldn't be making his son think he's a bad dad because he left, and my guess is that she would run down his dad to their son even if he were with them, just on the sneak. Parents should shield children, especially young children, from their personal problems. She sounds like she's petty and selfish. I bet if you really knew, her son thinks so, too, if he has anyone to compare her to. Does he know you?

I offer you another viewpoint because I know that situations like yours can work out. Of course, I don't think a person wants to veer from God's Will, but there is a verse in the Bible that says there's a time and place for every purpose under the sun, "a time to kill, embrace, refrain from embracing", etc. Your bf may be a louse, but my guess is that he just got caught-up in an unfortunate circumstance. I can't see why he should have to pay for it for the rest of his life. There is such a thing a thing as people taking advantage of other people, and it sounds like your bf's wife may have done just that.

Maybe his parents or yours could be some help with this, if they're unbiased. There is wisdom to be gained in years of living, if people will avail themselves of it.


So you just hang in there. I think you're doing the right thing to try to rectify this situation, because it needs to be made right, but not blindly or recklessly. God doesn't expect us to just sacrifice ourselves for nothing, nor does he want that. Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 12:55pm
The bottom line is she is having an adulterous affair with a married man. Quoting the Bible to her I doubt will help. She is not doing God's will by disrupting thier marriage for whatever reason. Honey, get away from him now. And if and when he gets a legal divorce, then, you can go back and start dating him again. If he truly loves you, he will get a divorce and come back to you. Right now, you being around him puts him in jeapordy at the divorce and regarding support and child custody! Do you see how you are actually hurting him here by being around him???!!! Or do you only care about yourself and what YOU want....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 9:14pm
If his wife is a big cheat, which I don't think is at all uncommon, her behavior may be driving him away even though he is not consciously aware of her cheating. She may be hanging on to him for other reasons, financial, etc. I'm not saying this is happening, but I've known numerous people this has happened to. It's not like a cheating spouse announces they're cheating. That's not an excuse for adultry, but I think you're doing the right thing to let him think things through. I do agree that you're being with him right now would probably hurt him with custody, etc. IF she's not a good wife, he needs to get hard evidence of it and be clear about it himself. That's why I suggested he think things through on his own. It's messier now because he moved out for no apparent reason and left their son. I just know there can be extenuating circumstances and people are, afterall, only human. However, you need to have a plan and be clear about your values. I believe God's helps us because we're not perfect and understand dimly. Best wishes.

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