History of Cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
History of Cheating
6
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 6:28pm
My fiance was unfaithful to his former wife. This occurred twice and the second time broke up the marriage. (This was before I met him.) I am wondering if someone has a history of cheating, does it mean there's a high probability he'll cheat on me. Any thoughts are appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:08pm
What has he done proactively to make a change? Did he only stop because he was caught?

Has he been to therapy? People can change if they look into why they were cheating and why they want to stop.

Do you have reason to suspect something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:28pm
No, no reason to suspect he's being/been unfaithful to me. It's just he's done it before and I don't know what would make it different with me. The reasons he stopped before is he told his wife he was having an affair, they spit up, and the affairs didn't last (no surprise).

He's been quite honest with me about these affairs but in the back of my mind, I wonder if/when he'd cheat on me. Trust is a delicate issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:03am
Yup.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:31am
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and boundaries justify and entitle their actions, feelings,thoughts, decisions, words, ideas and desires. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor.

He cheated on her because he wanted to, his values entitled him to it and the situation allowed justification of it.

He'll do that to you...unless he's changed his values. Something you can't control or change for him.

Put it this way - he didn't cheat becuase she was fat, a shrew, or a witch...he did it becuase he wanted to.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:18pm
If you're having these kinds of doubts about him, I would say you're already on very shaky ground. Trust has to be an integral part of a relationship. Do you want to be marrried to someone that you're always wondering about what he's doing? Have you talked to him about your concerns...asked him what was it in his mind that "allowed" him to cheat on his ex-wife...and what has changed about him now? Yes, you have reasons to be concerned, and unless he can answer your concerns to your total satisfaction - marrying him wouldn't be a good idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:53pm
I agree with the others. The answer is, "Yes." Apparently he has offerred you no reason to believe that he has changed his fundamental self, so you can trust that he will continue to hold HIS desires as more important than the emotional health of any relationship.

Also, he has given you fair warning. If you agree to continue seeing him, you are acknowleging to him that you know he is not a one-woman-man and that is OK with you.

As you said, "He's been quite honest with me about these affairs."

You have been warned. So now he is free to cheat again. "You KNEW this about me when you married me. I told you..."