hit and miss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
hit and miss
8
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 9:18am

So i've been dating my boyfriend for some time now but i feel like more and more i'm getting lost in this relationship. I feel like every time I bring up an issue he manages to somehow, someway make it seem like I’m being hypocritical or I make no sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 9:35am

"the next night was because his friend was having an “exclusive” house party and too many people were coming so I couldn’t come."
He should have left the party to be with you. He gets to be with his girlfriend, and they get an extra space to fill up with someone elite enough to be invited to their amazing party. Everyone wins. I don't think you should have HAD to raise a fuss in order to get him to see you, shouldn't he prefer to see you on his own?

"He claims he’s in debt but meanwhile he makes all these vacation trips and picks fancy places for us to eat at and then I have to split the bill with him……am I missing something here? I brought this up to him and he said that the majority of people are in debt and that it’s his style to eat at nice dinner places."
Eh, well that could be part of why he's in debt. He has expensive tastes. I don't think this one is confusing at all, but I live in Yuppie Country and this is not a foreign concept here. You know you DO have the right to refuse to turn down a dinner invitation at Le Grande and suggest El Pollo Grande instead.

Sometimes you have to do your own thing. That's cool, it's good to spend time away. What's important is that you know you're always invited if at all possible, and vice versa. I just don't think he's being very inclusive to you. Do you get the feeling that sometimes you are intentionally excluded out of spite? How much time would you say that you WANT to spend together, ideally? And how long is "some time now" that your relationship has been going on? Do you feel that you communicate well and that you have a good connection, on the same wavelength?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 10:04am

I totally felt that way with the whole "exclusive" party situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 11:20am
I guess by "some time now" I thought you were going to say a couple of years rather than just a couple of months... I'm surprised it's so awkward so soon. Doesn't sound as though you two are speaking the same language, as you're just not really getting through to one another. Maybe these conversations were good for you, it sounds as though you worked through them. That's good, right? I agree he should pay if he needs to eat at upscale restaurants. And taking a trip together will be good, hopefully that will pull through. I guess I want to ask now, what do you want to change? Do you just want more time with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 11:47am
Well i guess i understood from the beggining that he had a tight schedule and i was totally ok with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 1:58pm

Welcome to the board goddess_periwinkle,


All this is going on in the first 4 months of your relatoinship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 4:29pm

"But what confuses me is that he always seems to cry broke. He claims he’s in debt but meanwhile he makes all these vacation trips and picks fancy places for us to eat at and then I have to split the bill with him……am I missing something here? I brought this up to him and he said that the majority of people are in debt and that it’s his style to eat at nice dinner places. I’m not quite sure what conclusion we came up with."

This one would be a definite deal breaker for me. Growing up, I was taught to be very frugal with my money, and always to make sure there is enough extra money in the bank so that I could cover any emergencies without going into debt. When my bank account is low, the only vacations I allow myself to go on are two day camping trips or a trip where I stay overnight at a cheap motel for one night, and even that would be a really rare treat for me. I stop going to restaurants where the meal comes out to $10 a person when my bank account is low. And that's when I've still got a few thousand dollars in my bank, and just want to make sure I don't have to go into debt if an emergency happens. I couldn't even imagine going out to eat in upscale restaurants when my bank account and financial future were completely secure, let alone when I was already in debt. That just sounds insane to me.

If this relationship progresses, and you end up marrying him some day, you will have a lot of financial problems to deal with. Would you be willing to put up with that? I know I wouldn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 4:40pm
If something just doesnt feel right...then go with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 12:22pm

Hi periwinkle,


Sorry you are going through this, but I had to post because I don't see a lot of my boyfriend either because we have opposite work schedules... I work during the day and he works at night as a chef...Even though when I get off of work, he goes into work, he still shows me that he cares and he will still come and see me, even if it is just for 30 minutes. When I go out with my friends on the weekends, he will make sure to come and meet me when he is off work. I am absolutely astounded that he was going to an "exclusive" party that you were not invited to?? I am sorry, but it just doesn't sound like he cares at all. He isn't making you (and your life, your schedule) a priority at all. Whereever my boyfriend goes, I am there too and I am always invited. He planned a vacation and invited you, but didn't bother to ask, hey honey, are these dates going to work for you to go with me?? He didn't show you the respect to ask, but you are invited. He was doing laundry so he couldn't hang out?? Why couldn't you keep him company. I am sorry to say, but it just sounds like these are all excuses. He just isn't showing you the priority of you and your relationship. You deserve that time, even if it's just 30 minutes before you go to bed, you deserve a boyfriend that invites you everywhere because he wants you there, you deseve a boyfriend that communicates with you about a vacation

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"