honesty and opinions cause fights
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honesty and opinions cause fights
| Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:21am |
My Bf and I always have arguments over my view of the relationship at times. ex. If we are taking a quiz and I answer it honestly (not idealy) he gets upset and shuts me out "makes it very know that I did something wrong"! How can I express my negative feelings about the relationship without the repercussions of an unhappy boyfriend. Should I speak up or should I just bite my tongue and pretend everything is so Happily-ever-After?
-janelle
Thanks

You will NEVER be comfortable pretending you feel one way...when you actually feel another! Maybe the tone of your voice (whenever you state something) is making your b/f angry? It's amazing how quickly negativity can show up in a man if a woman comes on condescending, too strong or almost like her opinion is the only one that matters!
Now if the man you're with thinks that his opinions ARE the only ones that matter...you have 3 choices:
1. Accept his behavior and becoming a mute.
2. Explain that a couple is entitled to opposite points of view...and both are important
3. Get the hell out of where you are and search for a man who isn't one-dimensional!
Pianoguy
Pretense is never good. It gets you nowhere, and only causes more problems, like loss of self and loss of self respect. Unless two people can honestly discuss their feelings with one another and work them through, there is no way of building a healthy relationship. Negative feelings and problems are a natural part of every relationship. The question is can the two people work them through? Are they willing to listen to one another and discuss the issues and arrive at a solution that works for both people? It sounds as though he has no idea of how to do this. And may be unwilling as well. By getting upset he is trying to shut you up. Even if you do shut up the negative feelings do not go away and only come out in some other form. Let him know that this style of relating is unhealthy and does not work for you or for the relationship. Ultimately, it is not good for him either. Tell him that it is crucial to discuss what's going on. If he can't or won't go along with this, the prognosis for this relationship is not good.
Best wishes.
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Use "I" language until he understands you're just trying to communicate something to him because you want your relationship to last. Talk softly, and you might have to actually say, "Hey, I am not attacking you personally, but I feel _____ about our relationship.", "I would like to see more ___", "I wonder why we can't ____", "I wonder what you think of ___, because we don't ever talk about ___", you get the idea.