Hope/closure..which one should I have?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Hope/closure..which one should I have?
5
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:04am
My boyfriend of one year broke up with me about a month ago...and it is one of the most confusing breakups because there wasn't a really concrete answer as to why it ended. He just said that he loves me and sees me in his future but he can't settle down and later in life have regrets that he didn't date around and experience what other girls are out there.

I've been crying and crying...all I do is think about him and all the wonderful memories we had together. He told me that in a few months we will get together and re-evaluate the relationship. Basically he believes that if he does what he needs to do, then one day he may come back saying "I now grew up and appreciate what we had together." And yes, I know people will say I don't deserve this kind of treatment, but I love this guy with all that I have. I've been trying to date others but there isn't any sparks at least on my side because I feel like I've emotionally died ever since he left.

I'm hoping that he will realize that he misses me soon, the relationship was left up in the air and he keeps telling me that if we're meant to be together, we'll be. Well, in my heart I really truly believe 100% that we are meant for one another-we clicked in so many ways as friends and always had incredible chemistry-plus I loved his family and he loved mine.

It's hard to understand what he's been thinking. Yes he's probably out there dating, but what is his heart telling him? Am I just wasting my time here thinking he's coming back or could this just be a passing phase that he needs to get out of his system??? I'm so sad and I'm so tempted to let him know how I feel. Should I let him know I'm sad or pretend I'm fine?? Any advice would be appreciated...Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 12:25pm
Girl I am feeling the same exact way right now. I am in the same situation, the best thing I can tell you is that at least he was honest with you and let you know what his intentions are. The first thing you have to do is accept that you won't be together right now. It's obvious that although he might love you he is really curious as to what is out there and he wants to see that for himself. When he was breaking up with you i'm sure you told him how you felt so he must be aware that this is really hurting you. If things were as great as you say they were there is a good chance he might be back in the winter when the excitement of hanging out with his friends is gone. I know that sounds crazy but there is something about the summer that makes guys feel like leaving their current girlfriends. Just keep yourself busy and hang out with friends in the meantime. I know right now no man compares to him but you really have to try hard to forget about him. Who knows, maybe when he returns begging (which they usually do)you won't want him anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 8:53pm
I understand what you are going through. I, myself, am going through the same thing! My bf of 3.5 years broke up with me saying that he wants to marry me, he just needs to see if I am really "the one." I guess what my advice is to you, to me and to anyone else who is in pain is to truely believe that if it is meant to be it will be. I know it sounds so bad and I hate hearing that saying, but it does make things better. I guess in a way you are putting your situation in fate or God's hands (depending on what you believe in) so if things work out great if not you have something to place blame on. I don't know I hope this helps you out. Another thing that I am doing is moving out of his place (right now I am home with my parents)to get him to miss me. As much as I would love to go to the shore with him and our friends next week (he just invited me!) I know that I should give myself time and him time to miss me and to regret breaking up with me or how he puts it "taking a break!" Whatever that means. I would say that you have to listen to your heart..if you want him to know how you feel then go for it...if you want to act like nothing happened and make him come to you then don't email him. It is all up to you. Some guys will be flattered, some guys will get pissed off and not want to speak to you (I have had both things happen to me). You know him pretty welll, you have to decide how you want to portray your feelings to him if at all.

I hope you feel better. Try going out with friends and surrounding yourself with people that make you laugh and support you. It really does help when you have a strong support group the hug you and to let you cry on their shoulders.

Feel better! Know that there are other guys out there just waiting to find you:) And if you are going to get back together let him know how much he hurt you and that he can't do this to you ever again. If (when?) I get back with my guy, I am laying down the law!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:43pm
I was in the sitation before and I am here again. My ex wants time to see what else is in the world and thought that we could try again in 6 months. As much as I want to hope that everything will work out... I realize that I can't hope like that because I could get really hurt in the end. I learned that I need to go out and do my own thing and not waste my energy on someone who does not want to be with me all the time. Why would I want to? What if we were to get married, is he going to tell me that he just needs some time to himself for awhile? There are going to be people for each of us who will love us and want to be with us ALL the time.

Its not good to get your hopes up. I have been trying my best to move on... and who knows... maybe one day our ex-bfs will snap out of it and want to be with us. But at least we are not sitting around waiting and we will have the power to decide what is best for us.

Good luck! Stay busy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 9:07am
I feel your pain sweetie. I have been with the same guy for 2 and a half years and we have been rocky for the past 6 months, he left me twice then he claimed he missed me and he wanted to come back. we had been back together for 2 months and it comes out that he isnt happy with me anymore and he doesnt believe he will ever be happy with me again the way he feels that he was when we first got together. I dont really know what to make of it but as far as I can tell he has high expectations for us and now that they dont exactly live up to those expectations he doesnt know what to do. So hes taking a few days to decided what the best thing to do is. It already has been the most gut wrenching 24 hours of my life. I want so much to be able to make him happy, But I guess if I cant I just cant. None of these facts make it hurt any less. And just the thought of him sharing all the special moments we used to with another pesron breaks my heart even further> I want to have hope that things in the end will be ok and we will be truely happy again together but doing this will only make things so much harder if things dont end up how I pray they will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:55pm
When Hope Can Kill: Reclaiming Your Soul in a Romantic Relationship by Lucy Papillon


Carrie