hopeless???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
hopeless???
3
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 10:44pm
Here it goes...

I dated this guy this summer. Things were great, we had the perfect summer. I didn't think there was anything wrong. He left to go back to school for his senior year. I'm a senior as well, but I live at home and go to school in my hometown. He goes to school 45 min. away. We didn't really ever discuss what was going to happen during the school year, but it had definetly come up in conversation between us and with his friends that it was pretty obvious that I would be around.

Anyway, the night before he left for school we went out to the bar with all of our friends. Things could not have been better. I was driving, so I took him home. He was about to get out of the car when i brought up the fact that he was leaving for school the next day. I asked if everything was going to be alright and he said yes. A few minutes later he changed his mind and said well you know things are going to be different and i really don't think i want to go back to school with a girlfriend for my senior year. He gave me all of these reasons but insisted that he didn't want our relationship to end. He wanted to talk and see me but just didn't want the commitment. I was upset but didn't really let him know that. He said he would call me before he left for school.

He called me the next day while he was packing and asked me to come over. I did and we talked and hung out for a few hours. Things were like normal. We didn't really talk about our relationship, just hung out. When I was getting ready to leave all he said was "Will you still come hang out with me?" and i said i would and he said, that he just really didn't want out relationship to end. That he still wanted to see me and he really hoped that we could still hang out. I once again was upset but didn't let him know it. WHen i left i kissed him and said I'll talk to you soon.

Its been two weeks since he left and i have not heard a word. Should I call him? Why did he ask me to come over the next day if he had no intention of ever speaking to me again? What is going on here? We had a great relationship, everythign was perfect except that he was leaving for school. I'm really uspet about this and really don't want to lose the friendship. DO you think that its hopeless? Do I need to give up? Is it worth calling once? Any advice would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
In reply to: megz04783
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:52pm
Hello,

Well first of all this is very normal for a guy his age. It's even healthy. Guys tend to mature slower than women and are not ready to commit so easily, especially when they are just gaining their independence. They need time to figure out who they are and what they want. Often times this doesn't really happen until mid-to-late 20's with men.

The good news is that he obviously cares about you because he was honest with you and risked turning you away completely by admitting that he did not want to commit. However, he still wants your friendship and wants to see you. You cannot force him into a commitment, because even if it worked in the short term, in the long term you would lose. Plus you would be even more emotionally invested.

My advice to you is to remain friends and keep your morals and values in tact. He will respect you more for it. It may be hard if you are really falling for him, but he needs his space. Let him know you can be friends, but not friends "with benefits". Don't sell yourself short. In the meantime, enjoy the chance to explore other relationships. If this one is meant to be, it will come back around. I'm speaking from experience ;-)

Hope this helps you.

youngleigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: megz04783
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:07am
megz04783:

The song "SUMMER LOVIN" (from the movie: GREASE) kept playing through Pianoguy's head as he read your post today.

One of the lousiest things about a 'great summer romance' is the realization that the upcoming Fall can turn it into a FAILURE! And failing at anything connected with romance makes most people miserable!!!

This doesn't necessarily mean your 'friendship' is going to end. But the distance between you...even if your 'travel time' is only 45 minutes...could make things a little more difficult? It's just a thought, but your 'summer romance' might have reconnected with his hometown g/f? If she's the jealous type...she might have given him the choice of YOU or HER?

Considering her proximity...compared to your distance...which girl do you think he has chosen?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: megz04783
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 9:57pm
My dear, take it from one who knows! he wants to keep you around to be his at home booty call when he comes home!and even worse he,s telling you the honest truth! he wants his freedom for senior year is his way of saying if you find out that I;m sleeping with other girls you can't get mad about it!because I'm going to sleep with other girls, but when I come home to visit I;ll be happy to be with you!Do yourself a favor and decide do you you want to be his doormat or not? I have been there and I know alot of others who have too. I'ts not a fun position to be in either! you fall for him and see him when he comes home then worry about his actions when he's gone or when you go up to visit and the more time goes by the more painful it gets, it's not fun, believe me, but the decision is yours just heed my advice and think about it, don't close out your options either because belive me when he's not with you he won't turn down any offers!think about it....