hot and cold
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| Sat, 09-20-2008 - 11:24pm |
My ex wanted to stop dating me at the end of June/ beginning of July of this year. We dated for exactly four months. He wanted to be friends after the breakup but I resisted. I caved in in the middle of August. (I know, I should not have caved in. Please don't criticize me on this). Since then we had hung out with each other twice. Both days more than 12 hours together. When we are together, it's nice. We still click, it seems natural, he's nice and warm and at times a bit over friendly, but I did not respond to his over friendliness. He would give me hugs and I would not hug back. I just assumed he was just very happy that I am willing to be his friend and that hanging out with each other was stress free and he had just enjoyed my company. I will not do anything that goes beyond the boundaries of just friendship and my response to his over-friendly behavior has shown him that. However, we did give each other a long big hug both times when he dropped me off.
So days after we hang out, when I email or call him, he becomes cold and distant. His behavior is confusing me. Maybe he is confused? He's not the same person I used to know and not the same person I had hung out with. I don't know what's the deal? I know he has a hard time verbally expressing his innermost feelings and thoughts. If he is having second thoughts about breaking up with me, then I would like him to tell me. He's hot and cold. I know I still have strong romantic feelings for him.
I am debating whether or not to talk to him about his hot and cold behavior or should I just tell him that we can't hang out anymore until I am over him. If the second option, should I meet him in person to say this or will it be okay to do it over the phone. We live an hour apart from one another and when he broke up with me, he did it over the phone.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

"The hot and cold is sometimes due to a man's desire to have things very casual with a woman - he has to be warm enough so that when they meet things go well, but cold enough that she doesnt try to build an emotionally intimate relationship outside of those meeting times."
Thanks for pointing this out. It's like he is knowingly teasing me all this time and he knows I still have feelings for him too it's- just that I won't act on them physically.
Being with a hot/cold guy can be confusing, exhausting and also keep you hanging on a hook. You are right, it's him, not you. He's having difficulty dealing with his own feelings and conflicts. Doesn't sound as though he's ready for a relationship. If you find this behavior disturbing (and who wouldn't?), then you can just let him know (over the phone), that you're having trouble with his on again, off again behavior and would rather let things go for now. Give yourself time to really get over him. It's hard to get over someone when they're stll in your life. Down the road, when you're happy with someone new, you can then re-evaluate the situation and see if a friendship with this person is something you really want and that would be good for you.
Best wishes,
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Thanks so much for your advice.
I had planned to talk to my ex and let him know how I had felt but the words couldn't come out every time I talked to him. So, he beat me to it. He called me late last night and wanted to talk. He did most of the talking. He wants to give us another try. He brought it up not me. He has been thinking about this for a while now. He is now seeing me as a long term potential again though I did express my concern that this feeling he has is might short term and he may walk again. He responded that my concern is valid as he can not guarantee anything.
He voiced when something good happens in a relationship, he gets scared and somewhat pushes away. He has just noticed that this is a pattern. Also, he had been dating other women while we were apart and would compare me with the other women. I was more fun and less work.
Though this is what I have wanted all along, to get back together, I am apprehensive about going back. I want to go back for the right reasons and am not sure what are
the right questions to ask him so I can assess this better with my head. What do you think?
Read: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
and this:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22969.1
Loving each other isnot enough.