How can I deal with this? Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
How can I deal with this? Help!!!
7
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:21pm
I have been dating this guy for over six years and all of the sudden, out of nowhere, we broke up due to the fact that best friend died tragically and he already suffers from depression, so that didn't help. He told me that the death really affected him and he needed to be by himself. I didn't think the time apart would last this long. Every time I try to talk to him or hang out with him he's always busy and doesn't want to talk. I really worry that if I sat down and told him how unfair it is that he just left me hanging while he dealt with everything that he'll get even more upset and push me farther away. While I feel like I should give him more space to grieve, I also feel that I shouldn't punish myself waiting for him, even though that's what I really want to do. Should I sit down and have a conversation (or confrontation) with him, or should I wait until he comes around?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:08am
How long has it been? Did he tell you definitively that it was a "breakup" or just that he needed some time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:12am
He told me that the death really affected him and that we need to take time apart, so I guess in a way it's like a breakup, but it's more like time apart from eachother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 8:20am
When did you start taking time apart from each other?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 2:04pm
It's been a couple months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 4:15pm

So for a couple of months he has been avoiding you, too busy to see you, not wanting to talk to you, and blaming it on his friend's death? Although it is true that people grieve in different ways, it has been quite a bit of time that he's kept you dangling. I think you should think of your own needs at this time. Tell him that you respect his need for space, and will make it possible for him to have as much as he needs for as long as he needs it. Let him know that the break is not meeting your needs, so you're going to regard it as a break up, and start seeing other people. If he would like to try again after his grieving is over, he can call to see if you're available.

Quite truthfully, fifitop, I think he's been hoping you would do this for some time now, so he wouldn't have to. He will probably try to pull on your heartstrings a little bit, and make you feel guilty (don't fall for it!), but I don't think he'll put up much of a struggle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 5:33pm
I have to agree and say that honestly, if his friend's death affected him so profoundly he would be running TO you rather than FROM you. This sounds like an excuse for him to break up with you. I'm not positive about it, but that's the impression I get. A couple of months is a sufficiently long time to get over the initial shock of a tragedy like that, and for him to have not changed his mind about you yet is a sign that you should stop waiting and take your life off hold for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 1:13pm
I agree with geoteo. I think it's time for you to move on.