How can I finding back 2 love & trust ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
How can I finding back 2 love & trust ?
1
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:28am
I don't know yet how to getting started to ask for help for my personal and relationship problems, so I try to sending this message out to all my sisters out at the net. To get some piece of advice...How to finding back love and trust after my heart has been brokend, of the same partner who did dumped me after 8yrs. relationship now whants me back...

To take a long story I'm trying my best to keep it short.

I have to start telling that some of our problems has something with my past. My very first sexual experience was I got raped two times at the same day and got pregnant when I was only 18yrs old. My familiy couldn't hadle it (and did'nt belive that I got raped) so they puched me to take abortion. And then they did turned their back at me this a sin and shame for the family-as a one problem solved out of the world and got sweept under the carpet to forget and to become a taboo...everybody should be happy and smiling and forget all about it then...but I cudn't forget it since then hard times has comes and goes.) and I did not got any offer for therapy or treatment for the typical rape shock traumas, depresstion as you get afterwards a rape. This is some thing I'm still suffering now and then with.

I met my Live-in in 1995 we are really soulmates and have been together for over 8yrs. He was the one who REALLY didn't gave up on me and had the patience to give me healthy selfasteem, love and trust even when his friends said to him to give up the love he had to me several time during the beginning of our relationship. During that time he had a hard time to express his emotions and with me it was the opposive. We have always been ritch in life but always more or less financelly poor, suffering to make enougth money has been always a great problem for us. After 6yrs. things was getting from great to disaster.

That 28yrs old social, fun loving party and game/roleplay, computer nerd that I suduced off his virginity when we was in the beginning of the 20ties was now digging him self as fulltimer of self indulgency and pittyiness: Every morning cermony for him was to starting the computer and play computer games. If he did'nt do that it was sitting to study the stradegies to the next roleplay with his friends and those roleplay/watching football evening events, became futher several times in the week. During that time I felt totaly ignored, angry to become unvillingly a game Widow because of his nerd appettite of games. Walking around like a mother that had to cheking out if we had enougth food, the bills got payed or clean up this teenager-boyroom of a student flat so the he had his happy,unworried teenager bobble heaven enviroment going on...It did make me more even miserable.

I was desperate to get some sort of communication and feed back from him. It made me so unhappy and depresst when I couldn't reatch him or "get in to his head" to understand him better when he was disabled to communicate at all with me. The only primal thing he could willing to responding to me was sex...Only that time was he really giving me the attention that I needed from him rest of the time. Instead he did letting me stared on his back day in or day out when he was using his computer. I was trying desperatly to have a conversation with him, after three hours been talking to him and it did seems to he was joining with me. Suddenly he could respond something like this: did you say something to me?

When I was headding back to my studies after almoust 10yrs. With out a chance to do so, meanwhile I was working and had supported him during his studies at the University. I told him that things gonna change alot in our relationship during my studies that now was the time for him to supporting me when it came to housecleaning and shopping. Because my full time studies did took most of my time of the day and evenings even the weekends and I think that that was not unfair sacrifice for him to helping me out to do so. because he was at home all day playing computer and was totally careless of his studies, I had been the house wife until then, now it was really his turn...

Some shaman friends of me was warning me, that he had get started to looking on other wimen mean while I was gone on a walkabout for a month. I called him during the walkabout and confronted him with that. Because it made me of course afraid because he got started in a new job that I arranged for him with one childhood friend of mine, who did working there. After a while he suddenly started to closing hims self more and more against me. He got some new friends of his collegue and their frieds that he did'nt wanted to introduce me to at -all got very secretly, he did even held parties back home with us if I was not there. It really hurted me that I did'nt got a chance to be a part of his life and the worst part of it all: finding typical wimen stuff as clothes, earings etc. back in our small student flat. I was confronting him many times if he was cheating on me and how he could explain these items. He was denying all the time for everything and I got more and more fearfull and sceptical of what is going on. And he had always a tendency to make troubbles, psychological traps for me, especial during the time when I had my exams. When the end of the first year was getting closer he was getting started to become brutal against me during sex. Something that made horrorful flashbacks of the rapes for me, there was not so mutch love left for me rather anger and hate was that I felt came out of him. I got afraid him.

He started changing him self, buy more clothes and fighting against me to have a excuse to walk away to amuse one of his female collegue. He was acting and treating the whole situation as a teenagerboy would do, not as a adult 30yrs old man. He dumped me after 8 1/2 yrs long relationship when it was only 3 day left to my final exam at the first year was finish. Because I was staying in the flat we made a agreement that in our home should nobody of us have any sort of sex visitors or parties before I moved out with all my stuff. During that time I still could'nt belive it was really over even that we treat eachother badly I thougth that it was just the relationship who needed a break.

So I whent out for vacation and for a seminar... alone. It did't took many days before he started to call me asking when I was coming home at least one time pr.day.

One evening I desided to go back home from Oslo after beeing on the road traveling around in south part of Norway for a long time, because I felt that something wrong was going on back home. I was trying to calling him on my cellphone but he had shut his phone off. After driving about 8-9hours without big breaks, I could smell, feel and hear by my intuision the whole way from Oslo that he now he had REALLY broken all our agreements that I done holy for me to respect him and his world. And shure he did!!!! I busted him naked in our bed with his collegue and lover, fumbling to dressing her off her panties -That was the first of several shock I got. But it did got worse when I saw who she was similar to. The first thought that came to my head was:

Excuse me but are you f...ing your own mother?!! she was truly a perfect DNA cloning of my "mother and law" everything from body, the face, the SAME style of clothes, haircut EVEN the same sort of glasses as his mom. It was more than I could cope at once. The hell got lose he started to protect himself and her by beating me up but I did not stop with out a figth so I explained her that she was not welcome any more and what kind of guy he truly was treating wimen.

meanwhile I gave his ball a "special" treatment before he kicked me out the street and whent in bed with her. I felt abusted and "not-good-enougth-any-longer-dumped" because this was his treatment against me as goodbye gift "thank you for 8 fu..ing years we have been together. Excuse me, but you interrupted me to mommycloning sexsession get hell outa here!!!".

Started to hate my self really badly After that treatment I got really mentally ill, did'nt got any no sort of help or treatment. Whent totaly crazy with deep depression, paranoia,suecidal thougths, huge fearcompletion (because he did'nt wanted to leave me alone and he call me all the time) (I had seen some of his psycho reaction that was similar to his psychopathic stepdad). Things whent to farout during my xam before x-mas holliday I had to take a long break away from my studies because of him and my psychological problems that made my family quite worried and had a hard time to coping that condission I was during that time.

I Meanwhile all people that I thought as our commond loving friends (and I thougth as beeing my friends) everybody did turn their back against me. No one did'nt ever call me or spoke to me, asking how thing goes for me or my studies or asking me to joining parties, they did always phone him and invited him to coming over then after I got told by others where he has been on party. I got unwillingly isolated from the outside world of people and too paralysed and sensitive that I got sceard to walk in the street in downtown because I was afraid to meet him. After a year and 5 wimen later since he broke up with me he sees him self as a total jerk and that I had completely right when I did told him what my visions and intoision told me about his chase of wimen that would ending with he will be dumped because they just want only to have sex with him and then walk away...

Now he seriously wants me back.

That was about 5 mounths ago and we have enjoying to be together as a coupple and been on a romantic travel together. He's been trying to change him self and are more willingly to talk about his emotion than ever. He's even wants to joining me to go for theraphy to heal our wounds and save our relationship.-Something he really refused to do in the past time. He's trying his best to stay away from the computer when I'm nearby (easier said than done). But I still have troubble to trusting him after the way he has treated me and dumped me in the past. Still I'm suffering a bit of psychological problems, they getting stronger when he's unavare that what he's doing do provoced some sort of underlying reaction into my systems. He's getting sad, to see me suffer like this when I'm having this "emotional-attacks", when he realise what the results of what he has done against me.

Now we living away from eachother unvillingly in different sort of places in Norway.The temtation is mutch bigger for him than me to cheat beacuse he's living in a city and are still student. I love This man even what bad things has been experience in the past. He love me and miss me alot. We want to make things work in better ways and days in the future together. But then I have to learn to trust and love him more. This can be a hard quest when I have hard time to learn loving myself...

How can we fix up this relationship and make it grow more in a better direction and getting started to relax and enjoy it (for me is it not so easy when he vambling with words about his emotions says to him; what kind of reason why or why not he should be partner with me? That makes not enougth space for me to feel safe...)?

How can we bouth change our own point of view on our selfpicture (My parnter is bit too over weigth and must go down about 20 kilos-i'm who is fysical active one in this relationship) or the other partner?

What can we do meanwhile when we waits, when it is takes over two month on a waiting list to get a relationship/sexual theraupist appointment (relationship or sexual theraupist are very few of here in Norway)?



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:07pm
Are their self-help books in your area:

Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue is a good one.

Or

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore


Carrie