how can I forgive......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
how can I forgive......
4
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:00am


Well, I finally got everything out in the open. My husband admitted that he was wrong and that it was just a spontaneous thing he didn't think about at the time. He said that the reason he did it was because our sex life was boring (which was another SLAP in the face). I wanted him to call the girl and tell her it was over, but he didn't want to do that. He emailed her instead. What if she didn't get it? What if he tells her later that I wrote that email? He works with this girl, so I'm sure they will see eachtother again. I am still having a hard time believeing that nothing else is going on. I don't have a car right now, otherwise I would be spying on him. After all that happened, I am having a hard time trusting him. I feel like I have no control now, and I am just sitting here wondering what he is doing... who he is doing...

He said that he wanted to work this out, and he wanted to talk it over. I can't get this image out of my head of this perfect girl that he put in place of me. How can I wipe the slate clean? I can't just go by his words, because he has lied too many times. What should I ask him to do? How can I get over this?

Any advice is appreciated!

Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:13am

First, you need to decided if this is even something you will be able to work through.Meaning, are you gonna be able to forgive? I didnt say forget, but forgive..and forgive completly.Because to say you "forgive" and continue to throw this in his face for the next 10 years afterwards, isnt forgiving ans makes you just as in the wrong as he was. That said, you have a decision to make. IF you decide to stay and work throught his, get into counseling...listen to you..."if I had a car, id be spying..." What a life to live!?And this is how you are going to let things be? I dont think you want to be married to anyone that you have to have these doubts about all of the time...


Best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:10am
I have lived with a person that have cheated and lied to me for the last

24 years dont let it destroy you like it has me, I to have sat there

night after night wondering is he with her or his he doing that.and

feeling to ill to do anything about it.The only advice I can give you

as an intelligent person go with your gut instinct if you feel that he

is not beening honest with you have the courage to leave this relationship

now ,as living with a liar can knock your sences about and in the end you

will not know what the truth is. hugs
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:23am

It takes time, patience and work to over-come infidelity in a relationship. Both of you must be committed to this. He must realize how serious his breach was and the consequences it had. It is difficult to trust again and natural for fear, doubt and thoughts about this to arise over and over, unless you are absolutely sure that he is willng to work it through with you, and is commtited to you and to the relationship. In a case like yours, it would be very helpful to have an outside counsellor work with the two of you to get to the bottom of why it happened, and help you find ways of trusting him again. He needs to be able to hear your feelings and give you the reassurances you need to allow you to feel safe and respected in the relationship. Without that, it can be hard to move on. Sit down with him calmly and let him know that the situation isn't going to just go away or get better. He has to be really clear if he wants you and only you and if he is committed to working on himself and the relationship? If he truly knows why it happened and can work it through, then you will have more peace that it won't happen again. But if he isn't willing to give you that kind of committment and back it up in action, your doubts and fears can make you depressed and upset. It is unhealthy to live in a relationship where you are always wondering, doubting, and wanting to check up on the other. It is bad for your own self respect and self esteem. Step back a moment and give yourself time to sort it all out. Make sure he is a true partner. If he isn't or won't be, perhaps you need to make a new choice for your life.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:37pm
While you may be without a car - you do hold the cards right now, so to speak. INSIST on marriage counseling. Let the counselor tell him that he has to give FULL ACCOUNTABLITY to you without you asking him, prove that it's over, and initiate the CALL you want, not email.

Try posting on the Betrayed Spouse Support board, they have all been through it. It's a very supportive group. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery

Reading material to consider:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

http://www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm

www.marriagebuilders.com

My best to you. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie