How can I get him to see??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
How can I get him to see??
2
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:08am
I am sure that someone out there is going through or has went through this. I am hoping that anyone can give me some sound advice. I am a 29 professional woman that has been dating a 39 yr old man off and on for the last 2 yrs. He is part owner of a Bowling Center/Bar. He does like to go out and party. Drinking is controlled, but every now and then it can get out of control. In the first 4 months of our relationship everything was great. But then without notice everything went down the tubes. I contribute 90% of our problems to his small group of friends. They consist of a married couple and another guy. They are all a couple of yrs older than my bf. The only woman of the group has hated me from the beginning. It has been even brought to my attention that once upon a time her and my bf have had a mini affair. There has been claims that people have caught them, but I try not to believe everything I hear. However my bf seems to find it necessary to always put his arm around her or touch her in some way or another. They have gone places together without her husband. Like trips to Las Vegas... they go out on the river together. But he swears on the Bible that he does not have that kind of relationship with her and never would. I have tried for his sake to get along with everyone, but I don't agree with how they are. I believe at the age in which they are they should show a bit more tact and class. Our other problems consist of people telling him lies about who I am with and how I am acting. And it goes vice versa. It never seems like we have a break from not having to explain our actions to the other.

Since our break-up we have tried getting back together twice. Each time it will last for about 2 months and then it seems something explodes. Usually it ends up being my fault no matter what has happened. He says that he loves me and yet he thinks that there has been to much damage to repair. The only damage I ever see is friends meddling into our lives and causing problems that don't exist. During our "off" times I have tried dating, but it never works, because I love him so much. He has also tried dating, but it is usually with someone that has major problems and is not dating material. Then we always comes back to each other. The other part of this is the love making is unbelievable.

Over the last 5 months we have been doing things together here and there. We have dinner (always at his house)a couple times a week. But then all of sudden we won't see each other for 2-3 weeks. We talk on the phone at least everyday no matter what. He just told mutual friends of ours that he would like to work things out, but I make everything in life a production and he is just a simple man. Our friends thought that to be fuuny and told him that the only time anything is a production in my life is when it involves him.

Him and I had a talk on Tues night about "us". My 30th B-day is next week and I asked him to go away this weekend with me. Another couple that we are close friends with also would come along. He says he doesn't know if he can go, because he is the only owner around for the weekend at the business. He said that he understands that this is a special B-day and that we should do something. When we talked about us, he said that he just doesn't know how to "fix" us anymore. I told him to stop trying so hard and just let it happen. He then became very cuddly and kept staring into my eyes almost as if he was trying to read my sincerity. I really don't which way to go. I love him more than anything and know that I can't imagine not having him in my life. But where do I go from here? How can I make him see that we need to move forward instead of always "dealing" with the past? Two people that love each other should be able to work this out. What can I say to him to make him see the light??




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:29am
brittanyann1974...

There's NOTHING you can say to get this man "to see the light!" WHY? Because he's wearing 'blinders' when it comes to having anything consistant (in a relationship) with YOU! It's pretty clear that YOU are a lot crazier about him...than he is about YOU!

Why?

1. Taking off to points unknown with a "married woman"---even if the trip was platonic!

2. Uncertainty of "taking time off from work" on the night of your 30th birthday.

3. He realizes that YOU are your own worst enemy...and doesn't want to "get caught in a trap" where he can't walk away!

Take a look at the words you've used in your post. Pianoguy isn't going to suggest there's a little PARANOIA on your side...but your behavior seems to have a link?! You're bothered by this man's actions, his friends, and are CONSTANTLY checking up on him through the responses of others!

Do you know of ANY man who wants to be 'under surveillance' 24/7? I don't!!!

You 2 might have a CASUAL FRIENDSHIP together...but don't expect anything permanent. T'ain't gonna happen!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 3:48pm
Let's review the facts as you've presented them:

1) The only woman in his group of friends hates you. He had an affair with her in the past. He is touchy-feely with her, goes out of town with her alone, and other people claim they've "caught" them.

A man who loves a woman does not go out of town alone with a female friend who hates his GF, nor does he act affectionate with her.

2) His friends lie about you and cause trouble.

A man who loves a woman would disassociate himself from these so-called friends.

3) All the reasons for disagreements are your fault.

That's impossible. It means that he doesn't want to work things out or compromise.

4) Weeks go by without seeing other, and you break-up, get back together, break-up.

This is not how good relationships work. It means you are incompatible.

5) When you try to address your concerns with him, he gets cuddly.

It's easier to cuddle or have sex than it is to deal with issues. The sex makes you "feel" good, and is a poor substitute for real intimacy.

You wrote, "Two people that love each other should be able to work this out." Yes, but it sounds like there's only one person here who loves the other, and she'd be smart to realize that there's nothing she can say to him that will make him see the light. The light of love isn't in his eyes.