How can I help him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
How can I help him?
9
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 8:18am

Well Where to start...

For the past couple of days my bf has been acting really strange, not really talking to me, very distant, and kinda moody. Being moody is one of his things, so that's not abnormal. But I will ask him what's wrong and he'll say "nothing". Now I'm not stupid, and I know when something's bothering him, or when something is wrong. He just acts like he's off somewhere else when he's home.

So yesterday he got home, and immediately came in the house, grabbed a beer (not so much as a Hi) and went back outside. so I went outside and he had gotten some plants for our yard ( we just bought our first house in feb.). So I asked if he wanted my help. "No." Was what i got. Then I noticed that he was holding his stomach as he was raking. Weird. So I asked what was the matter, and he said "nothing." I told him that obviously something was wrong. I basically dug it out of him that he has been throwing up blood for the past couple of days. Which leads me to believe that he has an ulcer. Caused by stress, etc. He works for a construction company locally that his family owns, and has been dealing with some stuff for the last couple of days.

So I let him do his thing, thinking that he just wanted to be left alone. Finally after like an hour of him being inside the house slamming things around, stomping his feet, I asked if he was going to talk to me at any point? He didn't answer. So I asked him again "what is bothering you? Have I done something wrong?" that's when he just blurted out "You don't need to know everything that's going on with me, how I'm feeling. Dad re-buried mom today. So why don't you just sit down and let me be!"

I was definately taken back. His mother died about 3 years ago of stomach cancer, and he's never really dealt with it. he was with his ex-fiance when all this happened and he took it out on her, which made them break up.

So I asked him if he wanted me to leave and just let him be alone, and take his time.. because taking it out on me is not fair! he didn't answer. So I took the dog for a walk... Came home and he seemed ok. I just kept away from him.. Gave him his space. I didn't want to badger him with questions as that would make it much worse! I figured that he would come around and talk to me. Well he didn't he drove off on the four wheeler up to our neighbor's/ his uncle's house until about midnight when he finally came home..

All I want ( and to sum it all up) is for him to be able to talk to me about these things. Be able to come to me and just vent, but he refuses to and likes to keep it all inside. Which kills me! We're talking about getting married, and he tells me all the time how he feels like we already are. Well married couples talk things out, and when they are having a bad day, or upset about something, your partner is who is there to help and support you. He left this morning, came and gave me a kiss on the cheek, I woke up and gave him a hug.. Trying to let him know without words that I was there for him. He left without telling me he loves me..

I just don't know how to help him. Should I just let him be?
I know this is a long post, but any advice would be great!! Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 9:55am

Okay, let me be sure here: This is the guy from your past that you got together and began living with immediately after ending

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 10:04am

I appreciate your response geoteo. But I think that you might be mistaking the situation...

Yes, my bf and I have had a couple rough times, but he has become much better within the last 6 months. He has become more attentive, understanding, and even went to therapy with me. This is a change.

Now is when I should be able to help him. let him know that i'm here for him to vent to, without being overwhelming for him. Losing his mother was a big thing (as I'm sure it is to lose a parent) since he was Very Close to her. So I'm thinking that by her being re-buried it has stirred up those emotions again, which is hard for him to deal with.

I'm not looking for our relationship to be torn and picked apart from previous posts, We are in a good spot right now, talking marriage, kids, etc. And I would really like to just have some advice from people that have been in this situation before. with someone dealing with a death of a loved one, somewhat repeatedly.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 10:50am

Ok, putting aside all of the previous issues you've had with this guy (although I am dying to know if he's now ok with you wearing makeup!!!):


I think your idea that all married couples talk to each other is very much a myth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 10:59am

I think what geoteo was attempting to do was show that this could potentially be a pattern in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 11:02am

Things have definately gotten better let's just say that :)

I appreciate your advice! I've been checking the board all morning to see other people's reactions to the situation.

I just got done reading a post from a woman dealing with the same thing, and some other members told her that Men just go into their "cave" and deal with their stress that way.

I understand that people deal with their stress differently. I'm the type that likes to vent. and vent some more! But bf obviously is the total opposite. And that's ok. I just want him to know that i'm there for him. I guess that I just have to let him be, and wait for him to come to me when he's ready. Definately an important lesson to learn!

Thank you for the book advice too! I'll definately look into that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 11:07am

It's not that I want to "fix" him...

He is how is he is, and that makes him his own person. Own personality. Everyone deals with stress differently. I guess that I'm just used to him talking to me about what went on his day. At work, etc. He usually talks to me about everything that's going on.

No, he didn't tell me that his mom was being re-buried. It's a really sore subject for him. he hardly ever talks about her. He hasn't fully accepted her death I don't think. So, for me not to know anything about it, and him acting strange the last couple days, I knew that something was up. I don't think that he meant to snap like he did, but I may have been nagging at him to tell me what was wrong.. I shouldn't have done that, but it worries me when he's like that. It's not healthy to keep things like that inside all the time. And I think that's part of the reason why he's been throwing up blood. Having enough stress inside and things like this particular situation can probably cause that reaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 11:19am

So if that is "him" you have to fully accept

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 1:45pm

Hi fieryfairy2006,


Letting someone know you are there for them, could be as simple as making them their favorite dinner, doing something nice for them, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 2:51pm

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