how can i help him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
how can i help him?
3
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:35pm
My boyfriend of two and a half years is a huge mommas boy...two weeks ago he found out his mother had been cheating on his step dad for 2 years(thy have been married for 17 years) He is so crushed and has no respect for his mother or the union of marriage anymore. I don't know how to help him through this..his father cheated on his mother...that is why they divorced 18 years ago. So with both of his parents cheaters...he doesn't know if he can trust anyone...well of course me being an emotional girl...i react to this by crying, instead of trying to help him trough this...i am thinking of my self and how our future has change....he is signing a mortage with his step dad to stay in the house that the mother cheated on him in....so my boyfirend is giving him the 35,000.00 he had put away for his own house so he can stay living there...he is 24. I asked him what is going to happen when we get marreid...he said' live there...it will be my house too" i CAN not and Will not live there with his step father, does that sort of thing ever work??? there i do thinking about myself again.....I don't knwo what to do...he pushes me way evertime i try to talk to him about the diviorce, i am just curious, i care about him and want to know about what he is feeling...but by the tiem i finally get to talk to him...his step father has worn him out with talking to him about it so much. I just don't know what to do:( i miss my boyfirend
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:14am
Alright, let's make this as quick and painless as possible. U are a selfish girl. U admitted it multiple times in ur message. Does that make u a bad person or say that u don't luv ur bf? Of course not! So step #1: stop giving urself the guilt trip everytime u start thining about urself. To an extent, u should be. But notice I said "to an extent."

Now, let's go to step #2: the bf issue. Yes, he's now traumatized. But there's a deeper issue that he doesn't realize. His mother was suffering ever since she was cheated on, and it was a tension release -whether it be jealousy or anger or just fallin out of love- and ur bf doesn't understand that. The stepdad had never been cheated on so he couldn't understand the trauma the mother had gone through. So how does this effect ur bf? Well, he is opening up to the step dad more than u ever thought he would. He feels for the stepdad, because he can't understand his mother's pain from long ago. He sided with his mother when she was cheated on, and now he's siding with his stepfather when he was cheated on? Notice the pattern? Hint: he's shifting his dependence on a parental figure because he needs that role model in his life. he feels lost without it, thus, he needs to have a parental bond with someone. i say "he feels lost" because -as u said- this whole thing blew him mind- and now he finds that parental figure as the step dad. So slap the emotional side of u back down, or at least do NOT show it in ur bf's prescence. U need to be the strong one for ur bf, because I promise u that two weak people do last in a relationship for long. right now he's obviously the weaker of u, so u need to be strong for him and show support, even if u dont agree with his actions. U need to because, he feels estranged, and the one mistake u can make is to be emotional around a bf who's already acting irrational. Think about it. so don't be the girly-girl. Be the strong one and show no fear.

I bet u're thinkin, "yea right lady, easier said than done." Well, i'm here to tell u how to get ur bf back, so listen up! Now in order to reach thus far, u MUST- i repeat MUST- acknowledge and understand steps #1 & #2. Now, step#3: operation give me back my bf! u want the privacy, that's what's missing, and the house thing is a step backwards in the opposite direction. Again, once u understand step #2, u'll understand that he's doin this because he has a void he needs filled and it won't get filled until he has support from a strong person-via u. Now once u give him all this support and offer a shoulder to get out all his tears, i want u to continue doin all this for me until he appears emotionally ready. When i say "he appears" i don't mean, when U think he's ready, i mean when u KNOW he's ready. cause u do this next thing too early, it will backfire so u need patience and understanding if u truely do luv him. So once he's emotionally stable again, as in he's ok with everything, i want u to bring back the selfish girl (notice i didn't say the emotional crying girl) and tell him the things that will make u happy. I want u to tell him how the house situation has effected u and how it changed u in a negative way and the only way u know that can change is if u and him can be independent together (this is where u sneak in ur living away from the stepdad ordeal). But dont' put it in those terms, don't even mention the word "stepdad" because then this will focus all on u, and explain to him that u have been there for him in his darkest days and now u need him to come to ur aid. Thus, why u should go far away and live by urselves! Well, this is a lot to take in, so i'll come back to check on u in a few days. Maybe u don't like my advice, so I hope it helps u. last key thing: if u luv him ,then this is ALL worth it.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:08am

This is a truly serious and unfortunate situation. Your boyfriend needs professional therapy with an excellent, well trained pyschologist to help him through this. You cannot do this. It requires professional training as his reaction is so extreme. Clearly, he has many inner feelings about the cheating his father did in the past and now adding his mother to it seems to make it all unbearable for him. No, you cannot and should not move into that house with them. His stepfather is not his or your responsibility. His stepfather is using him in a way that is unfortunate for both of them. Your boyfriend needs a lot of help to extricate himself from this situation. He is trying to make up for his mother's wrong to the stepfather. But it is between them. In the process, you are right to realize that it is doubtful he could trust you or any relationship at this point. As I said, he needs help to work this through. If he doesn't get it, this relationship will

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:46am
Thank you so much for your advise...i needed someone to tell me i am being selfish. Everyone i talk to tries to tell me I am not...which only furthers me wanting to act emotional around him to get what I want. Now i can lay back and let things happen. Okay so say he does give his money to his step dad and signes the mortgage with him, he can still refinance when my boyfriend and i get married so then it is just the step dad right? I still feel he is not rational, but i do now understand why. I am going to support him through this and i know that will only make us stronger and he will appriciate me a lot more. Infact I just called him to tell him to have a good day and did not mention the divorce at all...first time i haven't.

Do u think it will be wrong to not bring it up unless he brings it up? Will that appear as if i don't care?

He has told me NUMEROUS times that he does not like to talk about it...he seems to only talk about it when his step dad is around.

Tommorow night he agreed to let me take him out...i will not bring it up...i can not bring it up, i know i have to be strong and just act normal like we did before all this stuff hapened. Thank you so much...i will definitly take your advise with me!
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