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| Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:34pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year, however it's not a typical first year young couple relationship. When I met him he was getting divorced from his ex wife and dealing with a nasty custody battle. We were long distance for 8 months and then he asked me to move in a become a step mother to his three children. This has been a difficult process but one I've adjusted to and a role I have even come to love. However, for the past few months every time he and I fight it always comes down to he wants to leave me. Every reason in the book has been given and even an ultimatium on his part, our fights are really bad. The other thing is we were planning a cross country move which is slated to happen in a month from now. The other aspect is that the worst of our fights happened earlier this week the day after his ex wife physically attacked me in my own home. He thinks that his life will be simpler without me. I've tried talking about therapy and he says he wants to try it but then we have another fight and he says he wants to leave again. At this point I know that our problems aren't that big or serious and fixable through counseling or even communication but I can never get anywhere when he always has one foot out the door. Even with all the talk of leaving we have only split once for three weeks, he always comes back to me a few days later, but it's so counterproductive instead of worrying about what to do about the problem I have to worry about if he really is going to leave me this time. Should I try to move on and let him leave or is there something about this that I don't see and need to address?
Dantzi Jean

If I were you, I'd move on without looking back. But it does seem like you'd like you want to figure things out, so here is my advice:
This guy has one of two things going on. Either he really doesn't want to be with you or his fighting technique is to threaten to break up every time things get rough. But no matter what the cause, continual threats of breaking up are not OK in my book.
The discussion you need to have must happen when you're NOT fighting. Start by raising that he's frequently wanting to break up and ask if he really does want to break up. If he says "yes" then you must leave without trying to talk him around. You deserve more than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
However, if he says that he doesn't want to end things, then ask why he threatens a break up and also revisit the idea of counselling. You must also tell him that his empty threats are a deal breaker for you and if he ever does it again, you WILL LEAVE FOREVER. And for heaven's sake, do leave if he can't stop saying it. Even if he really wants to be with you, you deserve more than someone who continually threatens to leave. Nobody deserves to live a relationship while wondering if the next fight may be the end.
Lastly, I'd be really interested to know his ex wife's side of the story regarding their break up.