How can someone say that they love you and then suddenly say that they don't?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
How can someone say that they love you and then suddenly say that they don't?
7
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 1:03am

i am talking about someone very close to you: long term boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé, husband/wife, not a boy/girl that you flirt with. i have been with my husband for almost 5 years. we've had our ups and downs, but i am at my wits end. yesterday we had 2 very small arguments, made up and were fine (ie, he wanted me to sit on his lap, cuddle, the whole nine yards) then later in the shower he mentioned feeling depressed and dissatisfied every year around this time (fall). i told him that it's not uncommon for people to become depressed as the days get shorter. he said that's stupid cause all of those people who become depressed must have already been depressed and that maybe the fall brings it out, but they were unhappy to begin with. i asked him if that's how he felt. he didn't say as much, but i gather that the answer is yes. by the time he was out of the shower, he was smiling and cutesy again. the night progressed and not to get personal, but he wanted to be intimate. i wasn't really in the mood, but i know a little release can boost your mood, so off we went to the bedroom. everything was fine, but then suddenly he said he was nervous (which hasn't happened ever, not even when we were first together) i tried to be comforting and supportive, but it wasn't happening (he is also in his early 20's not 50 or 60). then for the rest of the night he told me to leave him alone and give him space, which i did. he said that tomorrow things would be better. now tonight, he got home from work. i asked him how he was feeling. he said that he just wants to be left alone. he told me to go into the other room and leave him be. i said no, and that we need to talk about whatever the problem is because ignoring things will not make anything better. he said he doesn't care. he doesn't care about our relationship or about me. all he cares about is himself. i told him that kind of attitude doesn't work in a relationship. he said he doesn't care. i asked him how he can be like this...doesn't he love me? he said "no, i don't. okay?" which was decidedly not okay with me. i was like how can you be so loving, even just yesterday and now you're saying you don't care and you don't love me? his answer was "be quiet so i can eat." i let him eat, but i am going out of my mind. i was so hurt and angry when we were talking that i felt like punching him or throwing his laptop out the window (he was watching something w/headphones on while i was trying to talk to him) we need to talk. it is late (12 midnight) but i can't just be like okeydokey and go off to dreamland in peace. he will not go to bed for several hours and although i have work in the morning, we need to resolve this. i just want to understand this behavior so that we can talk (not yell) and not have whatever this is end our relationship. any help or insight would be welcome. thanks.

just a note:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

"How they can do it is immaterial"!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011

thanks for the advice.

actually that is a professional diagnosis, not mine.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

You asked to understand his behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Donkeyjaws, I'm not really sure where to go with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

You should have given him space when he needed it. Most people need time to think before they are able to have a rational conversation about the relationship. By forcing him to talk about it at that very moment, the only answer he could give you was his raw feelings without having any time to process them and understand them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007

I am a big outdoors person myself and two years ago started a new job where I don't have a window or any natual light at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I learned from experience w/ my ex (who suffered from depression) that when he was upset, sometimes he just needed to be left alone.