how to communicate w/him ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
how to communicate w/him ?
2
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:23pm
Help relationship in a mess, we have decided to talk tonite;we have just become so far apart,Fighting, Stress and just every day life,We both said we will give 100% We,are having a discussion tonight about how we can improve this,I Know the Huge Problem is we dont communicate effectilly Im just asking for some pointers We both want the passion and zest back we both care enough to try Please help me,He is 30 and Iam 32,This is his first serious relationship We have been together for 2Years,I miss the Laughter and smiles we used to have,We have been living together for 5 months,All advice is welcome please hurry: We have set aside tonight To bring up some Ideas,and discuss,some problems.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:16pm
List of recommendations:

1) Couple's counseling to learn communication skills

2) reading a few self-help books and doing the exercises together and following the advice

3) agreeing to fight fairly

List of reading material that might be helpful (pick one or two):

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

"10 Rules for Fighting Fair." It's great if both partners will follow the rules, but these really help even if you're the only one following them. It's amazing how just one partner doing this can de-escalate things in a marriage.

(1) Discuss only one thing at a time. No dragging in other issues, events or people – that’s certain to escalate the discussion into an argument.

(2) No hitting below the belt. Declare certain topics, historical events or comments “off limits” because they’re sure to cause pain or start a fight. Then LEAVE THEM ALONE. Agree to discuss those issues, if necessary, only for a specific purpose and under safe conditions, such as in the presence of a third party.

(3) Only one person at a time gets to talk. The other gets to listen – not debate, defend their position, or counter-attack. Then take turns. MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER’S VIEWPOINT before you talk about your own.

(4) Take a time-out, with a guaranteed time-in. When you feel things escalating, take an immediate time-out and try again in a half hour. If you can’t do that, you must commit to talking about the issue later, at a specified time. The purpose of the time-out is to stop the escalation, not the discussion! If you call a time-out, you MUST call a time-in. If your partner calls a time-out, leave him/her alone – don’t follow your partner around trying to continue the discussion.

(5) No character assassination. Talk about specific behaviors, not your partner’s personality. “I’d like you to pick up your clothes” is appropriate; “You’re a slob” is character assassination.

(6) No “mind reading.” Don’t jump to conclusions about what you THINK is meant by what is being said or done. Stick to what is actually said or done. The responsibility for revealing meanings and motivations belongs only to the person who has them.

(7) Don’t try to re-create history. Too many people argue over historical details – exact words, who did what first, in what time frame, etc. – instead of identifying actual problems and solutions. Stick to real issues you can do something about NOW, and stop fighting about whose memory is more accurate.

(8) Take responsibility for your own feelings, desires, needs and behaviors. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements, as in “I want you to…” instead of “You should…” “I’m angry that you were late” is talking about your feelings; “You’re always late” is blaming.

(9) Look for resolution, not agreement. Partners don’t have to agree on things, arrive at the same conclusions, or see things the same way; this is not only impossible, it’s boring! Individuals are allowed to have their own opinions, interpretations, feelings and thoughts about things. Trying to win a “Tastes great! Less filling!” argument is fruitless and unfair.

(10) KEEP THE RULES EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER DOESN'T. Your partner fighting dirty doesn’t give you permission to do the same! Fighting dirty is a character issue – don’t compromise yours.




Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:14pm
Why don't you two go back to being the complete, independent, self-reliant, self-responsible, self-aware, self-accepting people you were "pre-relationship" and live together nad enjoy one another for who you are - rather than what you "bring to my life".

I mean, that is a big problemw ith most people - you start to get the impression that your identity, success, security, and happiness is tied up in this person, this relationship - that they're affecting your destiny and your perception of yourself. You start to live vicariously thru them their successes are yours, their failures are yours, etc.

That's unhealthy....it's one thing to be a complete person unto yourself and be "in" a relationship wtih someone that you admire, respect, understand, accept, trust, and can communicate with...and it's an entirely different thing to be in a relationship so that you'll be everything you're not as an incomplete, lacking in self-awareness person.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com]