How to deal w/ spouse's unemployment??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
How to deal w/ spouse's unemployment??
7
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:35pm
Hi all!! I have been married a year and a half. My hubby has been unemployed for 2 months and the last few jobs before getting laid off were horrible and it has grealty affected our lives, credit etc. I work full time and fortunatley I have been employed with my company for over 5 years. I have truely been a supportive wife in this situation, however lately I just cant take it anymore.........I am so stressed and its really starting to affect the way I view my hubby.

The part that is really getting to me is the resentment I am starting to feel towards hubby. He has been actively looking and has been to several interviews and nothing is panning out. He is trying to get out of sales and into something that could turn into a career. He could get a job just anywhere...fast food, etc, its just that we are use to a certian income and have to make a certain amount of money each month. Dont get me wrong we have really downsized, sold the house, given up things we enjoy and just about everything we cant pay. I just feel a lot of resentment because Im the one getting up early in the morning, working all day and coming home to clean, cook, and all the other stuff. Every morning that I get up and he is still in bed, getting to sleep in, really irratates me and gets me upset the whole day. I try to talk about it with him and he starts making me feel bad that I even say anything to him about being unemployed. I understand that he is super stressed and is feeling inadequate, however he will not try to understand being in my shoes. I am fairly young and this is a lot for me to deal with.

Anyone who has been in a similar situation and could share how you coped with it please let me know. I needed to vent and that helped a little, I just need some advice before we really start not talking and I end up saying something that I will regret!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:43am
Hi, although I don't have any advice, my parents are going through the exact same situation. Sometimes it helps to know that you're not the only one that this is happening to. I had a similar situation happen to me also although I was the one out of work. I took a job I didn't like~~~well actually hated to no end. A job I lost sleep over and couldn't eat because I hated it so much however it was something I had to do and even though I hated it, it did give me a feeling that I wasn't so worthless anymore. I only had to keep that job for 4 weeks until something better came along but those 4 weks were the worst 4 weeks of my life, on the other hand they were also the best because I feel that I accomplished something by digging in my toes and sucking it up. I hope some of this helps in some way and I do wish you both luck....best wishes, Crystal
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:02pm

Unfortunately, I have been in a similar situation with my fiance...a little over a year ago, he lost his job- actually 3 in a matter of a year....


There were days that i thought I just couldnt do it, I had no more support left in me to give him, I was even contimplating ending the relationship ( my fiance of 3 years!!) Then, it hit me. What if this was me?What if i was going through this and had no job and none in the near future? Would I want him to give up on me?To stop loving me, supporting me?Absolutley not.


In fact, he needs you more now than ever... Yo need be upfront with him about your feelings and your growing resentment towards the situation.It doesnt mean you dont love him, but hate the fact that he isnt giving it his all. Marriage counseling wouldnt be a bad idea either...do u have insurance?


Bottomline...dont give up...he loves you, you love him..dont lose sight of whats important.


Best of luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:43pm
Thanks for the reply. It has gotten a little better, no job yet, but hes listening to me and has agreed to get up with me in the morning which definitly hepled me this morning. He should be getting a call for a second interview today with a mortgage company and hes got experience doing loans. So cross your fingers for us...Thank you so much for reading and responding to me. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:47pm
Thank you so much for your advice. You are totally right!! I have been thinking about that a lot and I know he would support me and not give up on me if I was the one unemployed. We had a good talk lastnight and it has really helped that we are communicating better. I am not sure if my insurance covers counseling, but I am going to look into though!! Thank you so much! It has really helped to be able to vent and get some good advice..:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:48pm
Hi. I am one of those guys who, after many years, lost a six figure position during this horrible economic downturn. I know many people who have lost everything...homes. family...because "for better or worse" turned into only "for better". When I came home to tell my wife what had happened she went nuts, saying "why can't you keep a job?" Those words haunt me still today. I know she was just scared, as I was the only bread winner at the time, but words can cut deep. She forgot in an instant how well we have lived, how I stuck by many jobs, and how the world was changing and not allowing people to hold onto their careers. I wound up changing careers entirely, becoming a teacher at a first year's teacher salary. The economics continue to be very hard, and my wife now works again to help. Is she happy? Not really, but we know this must be done for the family and go on. The biggest advice I can give is to support him through all the feelings that this will bring out. Do not criticize, do not offer quick solutions, do not yell or get angry. It is a terrible thing for the ego, and it is happening to so many. Let him know he is not aline, and you are there for him no matter what. It does get better and your support can help him through. Sure there will be changes, but if you work through them together the challenges turn into rewards of a closer relationship. I am not sure where my wife and I will wind up, as she is still unhapy in her new job and not being able to buy the things we did. I am the happiest I have ever been, doing what I always wanted to anyway. So now I try to support her, make it better for her inside, and pray it all works out. Take it one day at a time. Good luck, and let us know how its going.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:59pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really helps to get to hear the other side of the story.I have been really trying to be supportive and do everything I can to help him find another job. He really wants to get out of the car business which is what he was doing before he went to the job where he was laid off.

We have a planned a nice weekend for easter since we will be alone together. We are going to go out to a club on friday night and then drive to the beach on saturday and just have a little picknick and lay on a blanket and enjoy ourselves. Going to the beach is something we used to at least once a month. All it costs is a gas tank and some sandwhichs and we always have a blast!

Thanks again for sharing your story with me. I hope it gets better for you and your wife too! I think it is so great that you became a teacher and are able to do what you always wanted to do! I have wanted to be a teacher for a long time and Ive been really considering going back to shcool. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:21pm
Then do it, its a great career. Others are just jobs, and I don't blame your guy for feeling bad. But there are ways, and money does not mean as much if you are happy doing what you like. Enjoy each other, and your time together!