How did it get to this???
Find a Conversation
How did it get to this???
| Mon, 05-26-2008 - 9:06pm |
To give a short story, I met my boyfriend when I was 21 and he was 31. He already had one failed marriage under his belt and I was still young, with my first full-time job which payed very well, a brand-new car, and taking courses at the local community college. We fell in love very fast and no more than three months after we started dating, he had asked me to move in with him. I gave it thought and I was very much into him. so I moved out of my mom's for the first time. At first, everything was going great. We went on tons of vacations and never had a dull moment. Later, I quit my great job to become a waitress because I was scheduling issues with my school. I went from having enough money to be able to do whatever I wanted, to sacrificing our weekends with each other just to barely pay my bills. That's when we started having our problems.
To take you to present-day, I am now 24 and we still live together, but we are still having our issues. I started working full-time recently, but because of the economic situation, I really don't make enough to enjoy myself like I used to. I still struggle to pay my portion of our rent and the rest of the bills. He makes enough money to take care of all his bills and still have more than enough for the two of us to go out on the weekend.
It has been so long since I have made decent money that he isn't having any fun going out because he is always the one having to pay the bill because I cannot afford to. I am hoping to get a raise by next month and I am looking in to trading my "flashy" car that I bought just to get into something with realistic payments. He works a 4/12 schedule and after a long day, I can imagine how much a person would be looking forward to a nice meal and relaxation at home. But I sometimes forget that it's more than just a nice meal to come home to. He wants to feel like a person of significance and wants to know that he is appreciated. I will admit that I don't do things for him on a regular basis that would show him recognition for everything he does. I really only do special things on holidays (Valentine's Day for example).
We have had several arguments regarding this issue and I haven't made any serious attempts to improve our relationship and make him feel significant. He tells me all the time that he isn't looking for an extravagant dinner or anything that will cost me a fortune, but just any little thing that is a small reminder of my genuine love for him. I don't do those little things on a normal basis and I don't know why! It's to the point to where he is really hurt and he thinks that I just don't care to do anything for him. We are on the verge of breaking up because of this situation and I am frustrated at myself because I can't think of anything that might make a difference to help resolve this problem.
I understand that the problem isn't about money, but it's about how he feels as a significant other and how he is lacking the "feel good" part. I know he was lacking the feel good part in his marriage and I honestly want to be the person who can offer him a safe haven and someone he knows he can turn to when he wants to feel good about himself and everything he is doing. I would LOVE to get any type of advice whatsoever that may help my situation.
To take you to present-day, I am now 24 and we still live together, but we are still having our issues. I started working full-time recently, but because of the economic situation, I really don't make enough to enjoy myself like I used to. I still struggle to pay my portion of our rent and the rest of the bills. He makes enough money to take care of all his bills and still have more than enough for the two of us to go out on the weekend.
It has been so long since I have made decent money that he isn't having any fun going out because he is always the one having to pay the bill because I cannot afford to. I am hoping to get a raise by next month and I am looking in to trading my "flashy" car that I bought just to get into something with realistic payments. He works a 4/12 schedule and after a long day, I can imagine how much a person would be looking forward to a nice meal and relaxation at home. But I sometimes forget that it's more than just a nice meal to come home to. He wants to feel like a person of significance and wants to know that he is appreciated. I will admit that I don't do things for him on a regular basis that would show him recognition for everything he does. I really only do special things on holidays (Valentine's Day for example).
We have had several arguments regarding this issue and I haven't made any serious attempts to improve our relationship and make him feel significant. He tells me all the time that he isn't looking for an extravagant dinner or anything that will cost me a fortune, but just any little thing that is a small reminder of my genuine love for him. I don't do those little things on a normal basis and I don't know why! It's to the point to where he is really hurt and he thinks that I just don't care to do anything for him. We are on the verge of breaking up because of this situation and I am frustrated at myself because I can't think of anything that might make a difference to help resolve this problem.
I understand that the problem isn't about money, but it's about how he feels as a significant other and how he is lacking the "feel good" part. I know he was lacking the feel good part in his marriage and I honestly want to be the person who can offer him a safe haven and someone he knows he can turn to when he wants to feel good about himself and everything he is doing. I would LOVE to get any type of advice whatsoever that may help my situation.

Have you asked him what it is that makes him feel good?
I would like to think that I have an imagination for these kinds of things, but the way I would like to show my appreciation would be to take him on for a romantic weekend somewhere. But to be realistic, that is not even in my budget. I feel guilty that I can't take him out for a good time and repay him for all the times he has treated me. I am willing to sacrifice my car and get something less expensive in order to put more money in my pocket so I can have the opportunity to take him out.
Do you think he is being fussy or do you think this is a legitimate argument?
"I understand that the problem isn't about money, but it's about how he feels as a significant other and how he is lacking the "feel good" part. I know he was lacking the feel good part in his marriage and I honestly want to be the person who can offer him a safe haven and someone he knows he can turn to when he wants to feel good about himself and everything he is doing. I would LOVE to get any type of advice whatsoever that may help my situation."
Since he has communicated his needs to you half the work is done.
Welcome to the board mb5446,
Have you read Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman - it will give you some good ideas.
Little things I can do for him is really just the tip of the iceberg. He has been trying to get me to become an independent person for quite some time. My driver's license still reads my mom's address, I have my car on my mom's insurance, and I was able to purchase my car with my mom's credit. I haven't made any changes on anything because I always thought I didn't make enough money to pay for insurance on my own, and I have already explained how I haven't been able to re-finance in my own name. I am trying to get myself back into a position to be able to make all these necessary changes (because I realize that I am old enough to be taking care of things on my own).
"I am frustrated at myself because I can't think of anything that might make a difference to help resolve this problem."
How about a little effort?
Right now you are worried, so your brain is going around and around like a squirrel in a cage.
Z
You sound like my BF. Actually, I should say my ex-BF because I gave up last week. I'm a woman who doesn't particularly care for flowers. All through the relationship he'd ask how he could do anything for me since I didn't like flowers. It's like flowers were the only way he had of saying sorry, or I love you, or you're special. Any time we had a special occasion he'd ask what he should buy me. I'd always tell him I didn't want "stuff". I wanted some time alone with him. I wanted to feel important. I wanted sex. I always got stuff.
Your BF is asking for things that don't take money. He's asking you to stop focusing for a minute or two on everything that's wrong with your life (and your finances) and do something nice to him, say something nice to him, just be with him, appreciate him. It could be as easy as sitting down next to him and asking him how his day was and really listening and caring, not interrupting with how awful your day was. You could be the first to call or email each morning. You could tell him you love him first. You could compliment him or be proud of him or ask him for some advice.
Even asking here what you can do for him, your posts are all about you. You're scared now and wanting to change because he might go and there goes your support system, but you didn't care until he threatened to leave, did you? Did you even notice he was miserable? Even when he told you? It's not all about you. If you keep focusing on you and how unlucky you are, you're going to end up a lot unluckier.