How to diffuse a fight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
How to diffuse a fight?
2
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 10:26am
My boyfriend says one of the most important things in a relationship is communication. I completely agree, but every time I open my mouth about something or want to express an opinion a huge fight breaks out. He also complains that I don't talk enough and if something is bothering me then he wants me to tell him.

Sooooooooo, last night I was sitting on the bed chatting and I said "Ya know, I wish we had other hobbies we could do together at night. We already paint, but maybe we could find something else to do. I'm starting to feel like I'm 90 years old, and getting a little tired of just watching TV all night." Somehow all he heard out of that conversation was "I feel like I'm 90" and a huge fight breaks out. He goes off on me saying "How does that make ME feel. You're in MY house! I don't have a solution for you!" It was horrible. I wound up crying and he just complained about that too. Lately I end up crying in our arguments because they are so rediculous and frustrating. I AM entitled to an opinion and I DO have things to say!! AND if something is bothering me I WILL tell you but I get crap for it. I can't be one of those girls who should be seen and not heard. I asked him how else he would have wanted it worded and he said "well, if you had a suggestion, then fine we'll do something else" I wanted HIS imput as well but gee, I guess that was too much for him.. AHHHH!!!

He's 36 and I'm 28 and we both have never lived with another SO. In fact, neither of us have been in a long/serious relationship like this. He keeps saying "Ive never lived ith anyone before" and "I'm new to this, I've never been in a relationship this long." Okay, I understand that but we've been living together for almost 6 months now and dating for almost 3 years! We both love each other soooooo much and can't imagine out lives without each other. I HATE fighting and I also hate not being able to express myself. He did apoligize, he realized that I wasn't by any means trying to attack him. He ALWAYS has to get the last word in on a fight wich is fine but geeze, he just never shuts up at times. I'm not good at argueing, I've never been one to pick fights so I am so darn frustrated that all I do is break down.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if anyone has any other ideas as to how I'm suppose to approach situations then can you give me suggestions?

Thanks for any advice :)

*Clarissa*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:08am
He is taking things personally, as if he is responsible for any complaint you have and needs to find a solution for you. I think this is typical male thinking. Guys I have dated and my current husband even often do this although it doesn't escalate into a fight.



Sounds like couples counseling is in order in order to learn tools on how to commnunicate (both of you).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 1:19pm
i agree with gina that counseling is in order here. IF you are both REALLY serious about working on the relationship. a good therapist will be able to show you both how you are talking to each other, and how to listen to each other. you will also be able to say things to each other in a "safe" room.