How do I ask my bf to be more romantic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
How do I ask my bf to be more romantic?
4
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:06pm

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and have a wonderful and healthy relationship-emotionally, sexually and otherwise. Our one-year anniversary is this weekend and we had a romantic weekend planned (I had planned it and he was excited about it). Because of budgeting we were forced to cancel our rather expensive weekend getaway. Instead of taking the reigns again and planning another cheaper version of our romantic anniversary celebration, I decided I would ask him to plan something for us.

In the past I have had to let my boyfriend know that I enjoy being "swooned" or "schmoozed" or whatever tacky word there is out there for being courted. I explained that I enjoy an ocassional boquet of flowers or a nice dinner. I have let him know on multiple occassions that it would be nice if he got me roses, so he did one time. However I do not enjoy asking for things, in fact, I hate it. I would rather give and give and give to him. I spent a month planning his special birthday present (although I did not get him something expensive for his birthday, I did spend a lot of time and energy deciding on a perfect gift that he really appreciated). I brought him a couple little things when I was in Paris for Christmas, and I often will buy new lingerie and bedroom toys for us to enjoy at home. I also always plan our weekend getaways, a few of which I have paid for in full. For Christmas he got me a puppy, but expected me to pay for her vaccinations, etc. For my birthday I got nothing and for Valentines day I had to constantly remind him that I wanted some flowers. He got me flowers on Valentines day but put no effort into planning a dinner for us. We ended up at a cheap Chinese place that I got sick from. Oh and he gave me a blank card... he didn't even sign the card.

I am wondering if there is any advice out there as far as how to support my boyfriend in planning romantic outings for us. I want to give my boyfriend the opportunity to plan our dates without ending up in the typical situation where a couple days from the said occassion I find out that he has not planned anything. I would like to be suprised and courted and I hope there is some way I can let my boyfriend know that sometimes I would like him to do the planning, without sounding like too much of a nag. I expect an occasional card or boquet of roses and I have only recieved those when I have prompted my boyfriend to do so. Am I just being a spoiled brat or is it okay for me to expect a little schmoozing from time to time? How do I let him know I want romance without sounding like a spoiled brat? I am worried that our one year anniversary celebration will end up consisting of a lame night at home with nothing to do. Any words of wisdom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:58pm

First of all, please remember (it sounds like you are now, but down the road it may become a problem) that you are planning/doing/giving for yourself and not for him. Thats important bc you may feel down the road that you deserve some return consideration. You can't expect any. Here's why - while he appreciates what you are doing, chances are he doesn't care if you take months to plan a birthday gift for him. It comes down to different "love languages" (see book by Chapman for a full explanation) - he does not show his love by gifts/cards/etc. You do. You probably won't change him and you'll probably have to do the bulk of the planning. BUT...you CAN send him hints. For instance, if I see a play I want to see - I'll send my DH a link with the note "I want to see this!" And I've sent him B&B webpages. He doesn't always get the tickets. Often he forgots and just doesn't do it. But sometimes he does. Its better than nothing and I figure he's trying. If its something I REALLY want to do, then I plan it myself. My DH is romantic in his own way - he'll take me in his arms and slow dance with me in the living room for instance. My idea of romance is when we shut off the TV, turn off the radio and just sit and talk to each other about everything and anything. Once you learn to recognize what he thinks he is doing to romance you, you might appreciate it more :-)

Good luck,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 4:00pm

Welcome to the board lillrosita,


Chances are you aren't going to get him to change this. You have already told him several times that you want more romance from him. He probably feels it is giving you romance in ways that you aren't recongizing.

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 5:08pm

Well, you say that everything is wonderful and healthy in the relationship - except this? It sounds as though he is quite ungiving and insconsiderate in this area. of course it's possible that he's fine in other areas. Some individuals do have difficulties in planning or expressing their love and do well in other aspects of the relationship. You say that you've already told him many times, so of course you can say it again, but there's no reason to expect that this time it will be any different. You have to decide how important this is to you. You give and give and give and yet, does he give in return? If not, there is some kind of real imbalance going on here. As I do not know details about other parts of the relationship, I would suggest that you talk with him one more time, tell him how much it means to you, and leave it at that. If he doesn't come through, then you either take him as he is, or decide that this is more important to you than the other goodies you get, and re-think what you're doing there.


No relationship has everything. You have to make priorities and see how much you get from the relationship, and whether you can learn to be at peace in the areas where he cannot come through.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 5:17pm
I TOTALLY agree with this advice. I think the OP is trying to make him into someone he's not. You are with this guy for reasons of your own, obviously your love for him does not hinge on his romantic gestures or you wouldn't be together. If you want romance you need to either plan it yourself or tell him outright what you expect. Enough hinting. Ask for you want directly, or focus on the great qualities he does have. It's totally true, every time you go out of your way to do something mildly romantic for him he probably barely notices. A lot of guys just don't put emphasis on these things because in the grand scheme of life they're just not important. My guy doesn't show up with flowers for no reason, give me foot rubs or ask to go on long walks on the beach. He shows romance in other ways. I'm sure your guy feels wonderful about you and loves you very much - you just have to learn how to understand HIS language of love and how he's saying it to you. Expecting a man to show you affection on your level is not very realistic and you will likely end up disappointed