How do I bring the spark back??

Avatar for doggiemama3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
How do I bring the spark back??
12
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 9:34am

(Just a little background...)  I met my husband in Nov'2005, we got engaged on our 1 year anniversary in 2006, had a wonderful intimate wedding on the beach in Florida Apr'2008.  For the first few years, we had nothing but "spark" but for the past couple years or so, I have put a real damper on the love making, spark and passion.  I suffer from depression and it got very bad during these past couple of years so I'm sure that had a big effect on my labido (sp?) and has ultimately had some major effects on my marriage and I'm scared I'm at the beginning of the end and could really use some support and advice.  I see a psychiatrist (not often enough which I will tell her when i see her next week) and believe I am in need of a change in meds for my depression as the ones I've been on forever have stopped working for me, like anyone on anti-depressants know can happen.  So anyway, my husband.......  he used to be THE sweetest man on earth and now I've turned him so sour from the way I've been & treated him for the past couple years or so that yesterday, while having yet another heart-to-heart conversation (which we seem to have too many.....because they're usually the result of an argument) I told him that once and for all, I have turned over a new leaf.  That I realize from his words & actions over the past months, maybe even years I realize he doesn't want to deal with my sh*t anymore (and I don't blame him) and I know how serious he is now and I don't want to lose him.  I told him how very much I mean that, how sorry I am for how I've wasted so much time treating him bad - mainly never wanting to have sex - and I see now how important it is for me to prove to him just how much he means to me.  He tells me he still loves me but that he isn't sure he's still IN love with me.  He says I have no passion left and he has no passion left.  

We were meant to be and I love him so much and if I could rewind the clock a couple of years, i SOOOOO would!!!  I was being a stupid, selfish, spoiled brat and think I have permanently damaged something very precious to me.  I want to show him we can move forward past this and I really am the new woman I say I am but I don't know how.  

See, he suffered a stroke in 2011 at the age of 39 and miraculously had a full recovery.  He also got pneumonia while dealing with the stroke so he was in ICU for most of his hospital stay.  It was horrific to say the least.  For him, for me, for his parents, etc.  He says since that stroke, he's done taking sh*t from everyone and he gets mad at the world very easily now so add in me letting my depression and zero labido take over my part of the marriage, you can see how he could get to the end of his rope. 

I sure hope I you guys can offer me some help because I'm such a mess and just want to fix my marriage and will do anything to accomplish that.  He says all my positive and nice actions now seem forced because I went from being one way for soooo long and now I'm completely different?  Which I TOTALLY see his point there.  So please, I really need some friends now.  I feel so alone.      :'-(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 10:06am

I think more professional help here is needed than what people can offer on a board.  You know that certain anti-depressants can lower your desire, right?  So yes, you definitely need to speak to your psych about that--and you should also be in regular counseling.  Taking your meds alone is not enough to deal with depression (my exH has bipolar disorder and he'd get meds but also go to counseling every other week--he did this for years).  I think your DH should also be in indiv. counseling too--I guess everyone processes a near death experience differently.  it seems like some people really appreciate life after that--his reaction of Not taking (IV won't allow me to write the word) from people is one thing but it seems to be an extreme--it's not fair for him to take his stress out on you and he should have more of an understand of what depression is also.  I know I read a book called something like When Someone you Love is Depressed which might be helpful to him.  If you are depressed it's not like you can just flip a switch and change your personality--a change in meds will help and so will being more aware of how you treat people but it's really a life long process.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 8:49pm

  People who go thru the fire come out different.  You yourself study the various anti depression drugs for sexual side effects.  Not all of them are the same nor can it be guarenteed that you will have different reactions until they are tried.  Even if a good one or combination is found it might be months before the other leaves your system(the drug half life can go but effects may be longer lasting).

  Plus you and he will need to relearn how to relate to one another.  It is not as easy as ok I'm horny now do me. He may feel like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football that she pulls away right when he is going to kick it. When this much time has gone by.  A sex therapist may be needed.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 1:47am

Your post sounds a lot like my marriage, just reversed.  My DH was a total jerk for most of our marriage, had himself a couple of emotional affairs that about totalled me, and then it's like a lightening bolt hit him in the butt and he did a 180, treats me like he always SHOULD have now.  Still.....it's very hard to let go of the past.  You're not done with counseling, and you're right, meds work or don't work or quit working, it varies from person to person.  You cannot change who you ARE, that was pretty well set at an early age.  But what you can always change is your behavior, so all these unpleasant things you said you do or have done - get help to quit all of that.  If he's unsure how he feels about your marriage, he needs to join you in counseling.  Him having a stroke has likely caused him to realize life's too short and I'm pretty sure he's now having thoughts he would not have had before.  Whether you can turn things around or not - find that out in counseling, where a PRO will give you feedback.  Why have you treated him so badly to begin with?  What's underneath that?  Saying you'd fix it all if you could but that you don't know HOW - that rings a bell for lots of us.  But it ain't over until it's over.  If you really want the marriage and you really want the guy, keep getting help and have him join you so he has a front row seat. 

 

Avatar for doggiemama3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 7:57am

Thanks for your input to everyone.  I know we definitely need to see the pdoc together and he's agreed in the past to go with me to my sessions so hopefully he is still open to that.  She (the pdoc) said during the last time he came with me there that she could do marriage counseling for us if we decided to.  He is a typical man and hates going to the doctor..... i have to pretty much beg him just to go to his renal doctor and the family dr too.  But I pray, after speaking with him today, he will agree to go.  If you can't offer any suggestions of getting the spark back, maybe what I'm really asking is how do i open him back up to the thought of "sparking" it up again as I'm sure he feels like Charlie Brown and I reallllly want to convince him I've had an awakening and will not be like that anymore. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 9:57am
" I reallllly want to convince him I've had an awakening and will not be like that anymore. " First and foremost important thing to remember here is that you have severe depression and are taking medicines.He , has suffered a heart attack at young age. Both these are life altering health issues and need special care not only by oneself but the partner as well. Its a very challenging situation which can only be worked out by years of counselling , self work and the willingness to make it work . There is unfortunately nothing you can do / say to bring an overnight change in your marital state.Its gonna be a very slow process but ultimately depends only willingness on both partners, not just you. ' your awakening ' , sorry to say , is quite late for words to have an affect.Your actions will show but again, its gonna be a very slow process.Sorry, there isnt any magical word to make it right.Thats why people are / should be very careful in relationships.They are very delicate, to say the least.
Avatar for doggiemama3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 5:44pm
Just looking for support, not a verbal slap on the hand. But thanks.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 7:20am

doggiemama3 wrote:
Just looking for support, not a verbal slap on the hand. But thanks.

Support or unconditional validation?  Because it is support to tell you one's honest and realistic advice, which you asked for.  One would be doing  you a huge disservice to paint your road ahead as an effortless fait accompli, that all you need to do is put a smile on your face and the treatement of the last couple of years will evaporate and it will be all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.

Cherry2009 is you quite right...  you cannot snap your fingers and in an instant, make your husband feel something the opposite of what took years of you turning him sour achieved.  Everyone has their saturation point, married or no.  He appears to have been brought to his due to his stroke and his recovery from that. Life changing incidents have a way of cutting the chaff from the wheat and it's always good policy to not treat people you love in such a way that they would seriously consider life away from you because it could happen.

All you have are your actions.. and the process is going to be slow. That's just what is; what you wished would be doesn't enter into it.

"How can I make him...?"  can't be answered because no one but your husband can control your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 8:46am

Here are things you can try to bring back some joy in the relationship. If he's not receptive, that's his choice to make. You only have control of your own behavior and it's worth a try. Do different things together that you usually don't do. Go bowling, hiking, kayaking, to the amusement park, to a festival, to a flea market. Cook a meal together. Plan a picnic dinner on the living room rug or by a lake or the beach. Write a letter about all the things you appreciate about him. Leave a loving voicemail for him when he's at work. Write a flirty note on the bathroom mirror with lipstick. Ask him to go to a couples sex shop and pick out some massage oil and other new things. Ask him to pick out a new piece of lingerie he wants you to buy. Give him a foot or back massage. Ask him to do the same for you. Bake him his favorite dessert. Hug longer than usual. Kiss longer than usual. Plan a weekend away at a nearby town. Good luck.

Avatar for doggiemama3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 4:16pm
You're right, Kendahke. I guess some of the replies aren't what i want to read but are the truth. Thank you. Your reply was well stated and very well received.
Avatar for doggiemama3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 4:25pm
Safire, LOVE your reply and will try some of this. And again, to all, I really do realize I can't just flip the switch and be all brand new and him be all receptive to everything after I've been so depressed and negative for so long. I just (((sigh))) wish it were that easy.....but alas, it's just a wish. So I will get myself set for knowing that it will take time. Lots of time........I need to not talk about it and be about it. And even he has told me in our talks that I need to get better for ME, not for him. Which helped me realize that when I get myself to a happier state within myself, it will work itself outward meaning everyone around me will be happier too by default. I really like the sound of that. I just hope my pdoc & I can move me on to my next anti-depressant that will work well for me.

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