How do I bring the spark back??

Avatar for doggiemama3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
How do I bring the spark back??
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Tue, 05-21-2013 - 9:34am

(Just a little background...)  I met my husband in Nov'2005, we got engaged on our 1 year anniversary in 2006, had a wonderful intimate wedding on the beach in Florida Apr'2008.  For the first few years, we had nothing but "spark" but for the past couple years or so, I have put a real damper on the love making, spark and passion.  I suffer from depression and it got very bad during these past couple of years so I'm sure that had a big effect on my labido (sp?) and has ultimately had some major effects on my marriage and I'm scared I'm at the beginning of the end and could really use some support and advice.  I see a psychiatrist (not often enough which I will tell her when i see her next week) and believe I am in need of a change in meds for my depression as the ones I've been on forever have stopped working for me, like anyone on anti-depressants know can happen.  So anyway, my husband.......  he used to be THE sweetest man on earth and now I've turned him so sour from the way I've been & treated him for the past couple years or so that yesterday, while having yet another heart-to-heart conversation (which we seem to have too many.....because they're usually the result of an argument) I told him that once and for all, I have turned over a new leaf.  That I realize from his words & actions over the past months, maybe even years I realize he doesn't want to deal with my sh*t anymore (and I don't blame him) and I know how serious he is now and I don't want to lose him.  I told him how very much I mean that, how sorry I am for how I've wasted so much time treating him bad - mainly never wanting to have sex - and I see now how important it is for me to prove to him just how much he means to me.  He tells me he still loves me but that he isn't sure he's still IN love with me.  He says I have no passion left and he has no passion left.  

We were meant to be and I love him so much and if I could rewind the clock a couple of years, i SOOOOO would!!!  I was being a stupid, selfish, spoiled brat and think I have permanently damaged something very precious to me.  I want to show him we can move forward past this and I really am the new woman I say I am but I don't know how.  

See, he suffered a stroke in 2011 at the age of 39 and miraculously had a full recovery.  He also got pneumonia while dealing with the stroke so he was in ICU for most of his hospital stay.  It was horrific to say the least.  For him, for me, for his parents, etc.  He says since that stroke, he's done taking sh*t from everyone and he gets mad at the world very easily now so add in me letting my depression and zero labido take over my part of the marriage, you can see how he could get to the end of his rope. 

I sure hope I you guys can offer me some help because I'm such a mess and just want to fix my marriage and will do anything to accomplish that.  He says all my positive and nice actions now seem forced because I went from being one way for soooo long and now I'm completely different?  Which I TOTALLY see his point there.  So please, I really need some friends now.  I feel so alone.      :'-(

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Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 5:07pm

I like Safire's advice too.  However your DH may need more than romantic gestures.  He may need for you to show that you are making an effort all the time to do everyday things lovingly - in other words, not just words or grand gestures, but the daily thought and devotion that show in everyday life.  I don't know what are the little things that make your H happy or the little things that drive him crazy, but I'll give you examples from my own marriage.  DH knows I like to eat around 7pm and that if I have to wait until 7:30 it will throw off the rest of my evening, so he makes sure we eat at 7.  He knows how crazy clutter makes me so he will do a mad sprint around the house and clean things up before I get home.  He'll tell me to go to bed early and he'll take care of putting out the dogs and closing up.  Even though folding the laundry is my job, if I'm gone for a couple of days for work, he'll fold it and put it away for me so I don't have to deal with it when I get back. For my part, I might sometimes do the dishes on a weeknight even though it's really his job, because he worked hard during the day, or I'll do the laundry he didn't get to during the day because I knew he was busy with other things.  Or we'll just offer each other a beer or a glass of wine.  Don't forget the power of "thank you" and affectionate hugs.

DH & I are usually way too tired and busy for physical intimacy but emotionally we're as intimate as people can be.  A big reason for that is our emotional availability and presence to each other.  It's not something that we switch on and off, it has to be there all the time, 24/7.  I'm sure that if physical intimacy were very important to one of us, the other would make it a priority too.  Sex has a wonderful way of creating a little bubble of two-ness that it's hard to match in any other way, especially between two rather young, childless people.

You might want to find a separate marriage counselor BTW.  Your H's attitude of anger toward life is not helpful, but he may not feel like he can open up about his feelings with your therapist.  Another thought is that I do know people (my sons for example) who see a therapist for talk therapy but get anti-depressants from a psychiatrist who is really not there to talk to them.  Not sure if that might be a thing you want to explore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2013
Sat, 06-01-2013 - 8:27pm

My name is Mrs Rose Smith, am from the United States .. I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until i met a special spell caster, when I contacted the person who is called heroldbudispiritualtemple@live.co.uk  to execute some business .. He's really strong .. My husband divorced me for no reason for almost 3 years and I tried everything I could to get him back cos i really love him so much but all my effort did not succeed .. we met at an early age when we were in college and we both had feelings for each other and we are happily married for 3 years with no kid and he woke up one morning, and he says he's going  to divorce me .. I thought it was a joke and when he returned from work he tender to me a divorce letter and he packed all my loads from his house .. I ran mad and I tried everything I could to get him back but all to no avail .. I was lonely for almost 3 years,until a friend of my introduced me to a spell caster Dr Herold Budi, So when I told the spell caster what happened he said he would help me and he asked for the full name and photograph .. I gave him that same day  .. At first I was skeptical but I tried to believe cos have tried so many spell casters and there were no solution.So when Dr Herold finished reading my complaints and details, he wrote back to me that my husband was with a woman and that was the main reason why he left me.The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that would bring him back.but I never believed this.he said i will see positive results within 3 days .. 3 days later,behold my husband called me himself and came to me to apologize and he said he would come back .. I could not believe it, it was like a dream cos I never believed it would work after trying many spell casters and there is no solution .. The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my womb was fertile;so i was pregnant a month later . we are now happy together again and with lovely kid .. This spell caster has really changed my life and I will forever be grateful to him .. He has helped many friends too with the same problem as well and they are happy and thankful to him .. This man is the most powerful spell caster i have ever experienced in life .. Am Posting this to the Forum in case anyone had the same problem or any problem and still looking for a
way out. . You can reach him here: heroldbudispiritualtemple@live.co.uk for any problem you have.

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