How do I bring the spark back??

Avatar for doggiemama3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
How do I bring the spark back??
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 9:34am

(Just a little background...)  I met my husband in Nov'2005, we got engaged on our 1 year anniversary in 2006, had a wonderful intimate wedding on the beach in Florida Apr'2008.  For the first few years, we had nothing but "spark" but for the past couple years or so, I have put a real damper on the love making, spark and passion.  I suffer from depression and it got very bad during these past couple of years so I'm sure that had a big effect on my labido (sp?) and has ultimately had some major effects on my marriage and I'm scared I'm at the beginning of the end and could really use some support and advice.  I see a psychiatrist (not often enough which I will tell her when i see her next week) and believe I am in need of a change in meds for my depression as the ones I've been on forever have stopped working for me, like anyone on anti-depressants know can happen.  So anyway, my husband.......  he used to be THE sweetest man on earth and now I've turned him so sour from the way I've been & treated him for the past couple years or so that yesterday, while having yet another heart-to-heart conversation (which we seem to have too many.....because they're usually the result of an argument) I told him that once and for all, I have turned over a new leaf.  That I realize from his words & actions over the past months, maybe even years I realize he doesn't want to deal with my sh*t anymore (and I don't blame him) and I know how serious he is now and I don't want to lose him.  I told him how very much I mean that, how sorry I am for how I've wasted so much time treating him bad - mainly never wanting to have sex - and I see now how important it is for me to prove to him just how much he means to me.  He tells me he still loves me but that he isn't sure he's still IN love with me.  He says I have no passion left and he has no passion left.  

We were meant to be and I love him so much and if I could rewind the clock a couple of years, i SOOOOO would!!!  I was being a stupid, selfish, spoiled brat and think I have permanently damaged something very precious to me.  I want to show him we can move forward past this and I really am the new woman I say I am but I don't know how.  

See, he suffered a stroke in 2011 at the age of 39 and miraculously had a full recovery.  He also got pneumonia while dealing with the stroke so he was in ICU for most of his hospital stay.  It was horrific to say the least.  For him, for me, for his parents, etc.  He says since that stroke, he's done taking sh*t from everyone and he gets mad at the world very easily now so add in me letting my depression and zero labido take over my part of the marriage, you can see how he could get to the end of his rope. 

I sure hope I you guys can offer me some help because I'm such a mess and just want to fix my marriage and will do anything to accomplish that.  He says all my positive and nice actions now seem forced because I went from being one way for soooo long and now I'm completely different?  Which I TOTALLY see his point there.  So please, I really need some friends now.  I feel so alone.      :'-(


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 8:49pm

  People who go thru the fire come out different.  You yourself study the various anti depression drugs for sexual side effects.  Not all of them are the same nor can it be guarenteed that you will have different reactions until they are tried.  Even if a good one or combination is found it might be months before the other leaves your system(the drug half life can go but effects may be longer lasting).

  Plus you and he will need to relearn how to relate to one another.  It is not as easy as ok I'm horny now do me. He may feel like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football that she pulls away right when he is going to kick it. When this much time has gone by.  A sex therapist may be needed.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 10:06am

I think more professional help here is needed than what people can offer on a board.  You know that certain anti-depressants can lower your desire, right?  So yes, you definitely need to speak to your psych about that--and you should also be in regular counseling.  Taking your meds alone is not enough to deal with depression (my exH has bipolar disorder and he'd get meds but also go to counseling every other week--he did this for years).  I think your DH should also be in indiv. counseling too--I guess everyone processes a near death experience differently.  it seems like some people really appreciate life after that--his reaction of Not taking (IV won't allow me to write the word) from people is one thing but it seems to be an extreme--it's not fair for him to take his stress out on you and he should have more of an understand of what depression is also.  I know I read a book called something like When Someone you Love is Depressed which might be helpful to him.  If you are depressed it's not like you can just flip a switch and change your personality--a change in meds will help and so will being more aware of how you treat people but it's really a life long process.