How do I deal with his "ex" situation?
Find a Conversation
|Wed, 06-04-2003 - 6:30am|
Our main topic of fighting has been over our exes. NOT our exec spouses (we've both been married before) - with whom we are both in touch. Neither of us has a problem with them at all.
But the most recent exes we had before we met. Through a series of events, my husband basically told me that he couldn't handle me being in touch with my ex in a personal way (I was doing some computer work for him as well). My ex is a bit of a hot-head and wrote some cruel things about my husband (whom he's never met) and my very-sentitive husband went through the roof. My ex and I now have very little contact (and what we have is via email) and he's about to get married.
I could live with all of that BUT. My husband's most recent ex is a girl that he used to work with. They only dated for about 6 months but were very, very close friends before that. He broke up with her shortly before I met him. At first he didn't tell me that she was an ex. Just an old work friend. Later the pieces all came together. He says that he broke up with her because he realized that while he loved her, he wasn't in love with her; that she was too young and inexperienced and sheltered and not really smart enough for him. All reasons that have been echoed by mutual friends (I've never met her).
That was all fine in the beginning. He stopped seeing her for their weekly dinner so that he could stay home and talk to me long distance. He stopped returning a lot of her calls and would answer by text message instead.
About 6 months into our relationship, we hit a rough patch. I flew to visit him and, when he gave me his wallet to pay for something, I found an old photo of the two of them in it. I hit the roof and he promised to take it out, which he did.
He said that he was limiting their contact but what I didn't know is that that meant in person. They still talked multiple times a day and sent tons of messages. I didn't realize that until I'd moved to be with him.
That realization really rocked my trust in him and I'm not sure that it's ever recovered. To my knowledge, he's only seen her once in the 14 months that I've been here. Note that I'm NOT AT ALL worried that he would sleep with her. It really never enters my mind. Physical fidelity is a HUGE issue for him as he's been burned in the past.
I keep trying to get over my nagging paranoia but I can't. We recently went abroad on vacation and found out that he'd been texting her from there. Couldn't he even go two weeks without contact?
He was away for business last week and the wallet he usually uses at home. When I looked into it, I found two photos of her (the same ones he'd removed over a year ago).
I understand that he isn't someone who makes friends or trusts people easily and that she's always been there for him. Even though she confessing to still being in love with him, she's been his friend even though we're married which is, I'm sure, difficult for her. But really, I think I'm putting up with too much. I just want a nice, normal (if there is such a thing) relationship without all of this stress. I really think I'm giving myself an ulcer.
That he considers her his best friend, just burns me up and I really don't know what to do about it...............