how do i decide what is best

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
how do i decide what is best
5
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:22am

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. Yesterday I told him I needed some time to be alone to think about what I really want to do. I feel guilty because I have done this before (more than once) and he doesnt understand why we can be so happy one minute and I change my mind the next.

There are some issues I think may bother me in the future. I don't like that his family curses and are known as trouble makers. They fight a lot and have been involved in drugs. I don't think this is an environment I want to raise children in.
Also, it doesnt bother me much now, but I feel I have to keep after him to do things. Sometimes I even have to tell him to take a shower or brush his teeth. Is this normal? He is very irresponsible and bad with finances. His house is dirty and he is in major debt. He also seems to "cower away" if I don't cuddle him or give him the attention he wants. He doesnt seem very thoughtful or romantic, either. No cards or flowers or sweet little words. But how many guys do that, anyway? Maybe I expect too much :(

He does do a lot for me as far as taking me places I want to go. we went camping this weekend and had a great time together. I have also taken the love compatibility quiz and it came up that we are incompatible in the romance department but very compatible in the sex and communication departments. I get along with him other than what I have mentioned and I do feel very strongly for him, especially since I now know things may be ending depending on what I decide to do. I am afraid I will make the wrong decision and either end up being unsatisfied in the relationship, or regretful that I broke things off with him.

I just want to be sure I am making the right decision based upon what is best for my future. Any advice or suggestions?




Edited 5/16/2007 12:23 pm ET by sarahb_81
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 12:21pm

Welcome to the board sarahb_81,


I think the thing to do is talk to your bf about exactly what is bothering you. This way you know if he is willing to change some things. It is likely that he doesn't even realize the things about his personal hygiene, housekeeping, finances bother you and he could be willing to work on fixing them.


It isn't fair, however, to judge him for how is family is. There is nothing he can do to control the way the act. He can only

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 12:32pm

Hi sarahb and welcome to the board,


I think you are right to be concerned about the future with this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 12:57pm
It sounds like you have doubts and that you have good reasons to be doubtful about this relationship. It doesn't sound like you're compatible - you have some minimum expectations (like personal hygiene!!) that he's not meeting. It's ok for you to take a step back. Don't feel guilty about it. After all, you are trying to assess whether or not you want this man and his family in YOUR life.


Edited 5/16/2007 12:58 pm ET by teeenybubbles
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 12:58pm

I think I do owe it to him to tell him that these things are bothering me. So far he only knows about the cursing.

i think his hygeine issues could be fixed easily. even the finances I could help him with, or my grandmother could (she is very good with personal finances).

But I may have trouble getting him to help me clean. And I don't think it's possible to make someone into more of a romantic or thoughtful person. The only thng I could do is tell him I do enjoy recieving gifts such as flowers and hearing kind words.

I just don't want all this to backfire in the future. Two possible problems that could arise: he could become resentful or I may grow tired of always having to keep after him.

If only I could see into the future!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 1:02pm
i really needed to hear that. so thank you :)