how do I do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
how do I do this?
3
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:54pm
Hi, I posted a few days ago and got some great feed back so I am back and feeling like I need an objective viewpoint.

I am 49 and divorced 6 years. I have a 13 year old that lives with me and a 19 year old away at school.

I recently met a wonderful man and have been dating him for three months now. I was really just looking for someone just to have dinner with, catch movie, have a laugh, nothing serious...however... it seems this relationship has gotten fairly intense and I'm not sure how it is supposed to go from here????

I got married young and never really dated so I feel pretty inexperienced here and at 49 with kids and a mortgage and a job etc. it can be really confusing. Anyway this guy is everything I have dreamed about having in a partner. He is intelligent. He has a degree in human behavior and fills a very responsible position with a large corporation, he owns a beautiful home and is a very dedicated father to his two kids 26 and 28 years old. He is handsome and classy with a great sense of humor.

I also have a nice home and a great job which is much more flexible than his and I make great$$$. So I don't "need" this guy ...just really like him. We have been spending the weekends together and he finally met my 13 year old last weekend. Here is my question?

How is this dating thing supposed to go with the way our lives are. Right now I see him every other weekend when my son is at his fathers. Sometimes we get together for dinner or a movie on the weekends my son is with me, but I always feel guilty about not being with my son. During the week mainly because of his intense schedule we don't see each other at all but we talk on the phone for almost an hour every night, which for me is a ridiculous amount of time. However we do have great conversation and the hour seems to fly by. Some would say this is an ideal situation but I am feeling like I want more ...Perhaps it is too soon to feel this way but I only know what I feel. I certainly don't want to become demanding but every other weekend with a man whom I am having a committed monogomous relationship with is just not enough. But I don't know what else there is??? He has discussed the fact that he is not ready to be responsible for a 13 year old and understands that my son is at a critical age and needs lots of attention. But is willing to see how things go (and I guess if he can make that kind of committment)

I am ecstatic on one hand because I finally feel the passion for someone that I never thought I would ever feel again. I am totally turned on by this person and I believe he feels the same. But how does this wild passionate stage develop into that deeper companionate love when we only get to spend two weekends a month together????? Where can this go with all the "baggage" for want of a better term (I do not consider my son baggage) that is involved. Can anyone tell me what to expect, I am sure I am not the only one who has been in this place???? It's all a little daunting. I had promised myself I would not get involved with anyone until my son was out of high school... but who knew? My B/F lives alone, he broke up with a woman about eight months ago and I am sure he doesn't want to live alone forever....Just don't know where to go from here. Sorry this went on so long...just looking for some objectivity here...Can anyone help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 2:42pm
Hi, I have a similar situation and need advice too. I posted the "need more time with my love" recently. I am younger than you and I have no kids, but I have dated a lot. His talking on the phone with you for an hour everyday shows that he is interested in you, which is a good thing. Not to say that physical interaction is important too, because it is. It just seems to me that since the communication seems to be good, this passionate stage can develop into companionate love. I at least think this is worth giving some more time together. I think it is normal for you to want more, especially since the bond is getting stronger through time. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to mention to him how you are feeling so he at least knows where you are coming from. You know, I don't know him, but maybe he too wants to spend more time with you in person too. I think though, that it is also important for each party to have their own lives with other friends/family, other committments too. With my boyfriend, we have talked about our future together and we know where we will want to be. I think it might be helpful to talk about the future with him so you can be sure the two of you at least agree on a possible plans for what the future will look like for the two of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:57pm
Thankyou I appreciate your reply. The fact that you have experience in the dating arena helps alot. Yes I think you are right about talking about the future. We need to move this thing to the next level and that would probably be a good way to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:00am
OH no! Please don't bring up the future at this point in the relationship. You are so very independent and together. You do not have to give the impression that you are something that you are not just because you are pretty new to this relationship thing!

I know that I told someone else this, but I would go out and buy the book "The Rules" and the second one (I don't remember what it is called) by the same authors. It will give you such very clear guidance that you won't have room for error. It may seem a little stilted and artificial to implement, but give it a try.

Have fun! Once he becomes more of a fixture in your life, you will feel more comfortable integrating him into your time w/ your son. Also, there is a huge difference between a 13 year old and a 14 year old. Your son will be spending more and more time w/ his peers if he hasn't already done so. It is not a horrible time to introduce him to the idea that you are both mother and woman. You have a "friend" and enjoy both relationships. I'm not saying that he should spend the night if that is uncomfortable, but you can certainly do more stuff and include your son at the right point (even if it is just that he comes over for dinner or the day and your son is around).

Remember what you said yourself: you do not NEED a relationship. You are a smart, dynamic, exciting woman and he is lucky to spend time with you. He appears to know this, and you don't need to make him question it w/ premature "us" discussions. Remember that men and women are very, very different. Let him be the pursuer and he will value you far more. This sounds very caveman-like, but it is true! Just look at the varying success rates in relationships from the Bachelor and Bachelorette series. Why is it that women in a situation of choosing from over a dozen men end up w/ a man who truly values them while men in the same situation appear to move on from their "commitment" to the chosen woman?