how do i fix it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
how do i fix it?
6
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 3:22pm

so my bf and i have been together for nearly 5 years. the majority of that time has been realy good. last spring we started to have a rough patch. in the end i realized that it didn't realy have anything to do with me, but with him figuring things out. but during that time we took a break, got back togther, and did that same thing all over again in about a three month time period. during that time i did something that i wish i could take back, but well... i can't.

i ran into an old aquantance, and he asked if i wanted to see a movie, and i said yes. at the time it was when my bf and i were back together, but things still wern't great. i lied to my bf and told him i was going home, when i was really going to the movies. well of coarse he found out, that same evening. (nothig happened, not even hand holding, it was completly platonic) we hashed it all out and we have been doing really well.
a few weeks ago i went out of town with a girlfriend of mine to go dancing. i talked to my bf a couple of times, but he called while i was out and couldn't get a hold of me ( it was loud and i had had a few too many to drink). so during this time he is freaking out about why he couldn't get a hold of me and starts to wonder if i realy went up to go dancing or if it was to go out with some other guy. he then precedes to hack into an old email account, one i haven't used in almost a year. i had accumulate tens of thousands of emails, all unopened. but he still continues to root through trying to find something incriminating. he finds a message from a dating site, that i had regesitered with a year ago when we broke up. the message was telling me my acount info because i hadn't used it in a year. so he logged on to it. you can see where this is going.

i get home he asks me if there is anything i want to tell him, this sort of stuff, and i say no. he then asks me why i signed up for a dating site, and tell him that i did when we broke up, but that's it, and we have this whole conversation about why he was snooping etc. we finally get over it, so i think, and then again just the other night, he is asking me why i created the acount recently. ugh. i ask him if on the account (i havent' even been on there) i ever sent a message to anyone,or if it says when i logged on. and he says i never sent anyone a message on there, and there arent' any outgoing emails from my email account since last september( and those were for work) despite all this i can't seem to calm his worry. until recetnly he hasn't been an overly jealous person, so i don't know what to do to let him know that there isn't anything to worry about.

sorry so long, thanks for all your help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 4:44pm

Hi skeeter and welcome to the board,


While he may be over-reacting now to your comings and goings, the fact that you lied at one point makes his reaction understandable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 11:53am

Welcome to the board skeeter2007,


I agree with Carrie that because of your lie and date with the other guy he does have

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 1:49pm

we did work out everything from last year, in fact none of that is even an issue today. I have tried to take everything seriously, and let him know that i understand how he feels and why. I don't know how he would feel about counceling. this might sound lame but i don't know that either of us could afford it. i am finishing my masters and he is working on finishing his degree as well. I'm mostly looking for ideas of how i can let him know that he can trust me, because he can....

a week or so before the lie took place i was out with my friend sarah, and ran into this aquantance and his friends. my bf called me to see when i would be going home,and i told him soon, and asked if he wanted to come hang out with all of us in the mean time, ( and i told him everyone i was with), he said no, and then 10 minutes later yelled "if you would rather hang out with some guy you just met then me than fine." now although this is not a good reason, i hope at least it makes more since why i didn't tell my bf i was going to the movies with this other guy. i was only going as a friend and didnt' have any intentions otherwise, of coarse i can understand why that would be hard to believe, because if it was innocent why would i lie.

in any event, i just need to figure out how i can let him know that other than that circumstance i have never lied to him, nor would i ever in the future. i've told him all this, i just need something other than words, a gesture or something.. i don't know.

thanks for everyone's input!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:00pm

Feelings from a past lie, date, betrayal don't just go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:17pm
Do you know where this jealousy of his is coming from?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:52pm
no, he's not typicaly a jealous person, just every once in a while. i have some guy friends that i hang out with every once in a while and he is completly fine with,(they're all either engaged or the completly harmless types, know what i mean). he knows them, and knows that there isn't anything to it. so it kind of catches me off gaurd when he is more jealous. but over all that's not something i worry about. maybe its just going to take some time, and i have to be patient and very open about what i'm thinking so that he knows that he can trust me, like we're startin over again. i guess i'll see and cross my fingers.
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