how do I fix it from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
how do I fix it from here?
12
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:04pm

I could use some advice. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year and for the past few months, things have been bad. we have been fighting like crazy over the same things (I'm sure 99% of people here can relate to that). we always make empty promises & resolutions to fix things with no realistic hope of fixing them b/c we were only making peace for the sake of not fighting anymore. but that only lasted for maybe a week.

then just recently (god I can't believe I'm putting this on a public forum), I had a miscarriage (while we were in the middle of a fight and he went away to Chicago for a little vacation). it really messed me up good. I started having all these feelings of grief about killing my baby (I didn't even know I was pregnant) -- like if I had known I could have taken better care of it. I was stressed and working out all the time and not eating well. It could have survived. plus women in my family have a hard time conceiving b/c we have bad kidneys which makes it hard to sustain a baby...so this all pretty much confirmed that I may never have a child of my own. and I was angry...and angry at him (blamed him for a lot) and even angrier that he and I were fighting again/as usual when I needed his support.

so I spoke with a counselor who really helped me get a grasp on my feelings. she really helped me understand my emotions and helped me understand how my reactions can be taken as an attack/insults to him...eventhough I am just trying to tell him how I feel. this is actually the root of many of our fights -- I have something on my mind, I tell him, he takes it as an insult and then we fight. sure, it takes 2 to fight and he's certainly not an innocent party here, but there are definitely better ways I could have told him how I'm feeling.

so I told him all this...told him that I understand "his side" better now and believe things can be different now, apologized profusely for putting him through hell and told him how happy he makes me. but he's just fed up with it all. he wants to break up now and I just can't deal with it. I love him so much and he does make me happy. I never meant for him to feel anything other than that. he won't even talk to me now. he says sometimes 2 people can love each other but just can't be together. he loves me and wants to be with me, but just doesn't believe things can ever get better (eventhough I've been telling him for weeks how things are different now and we have a real shot at having a future together after getting down to the actual root of our problems....not just making mundane resolutions that have no hope of being carried out.

phew! well that's a short novel for ya. do you think there's anything I can do to fix this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 4:43pm
i think the best thing you can do to fix this is to accept that he has broken up with you and move on with your life (i.e., focus on fixing your life). make sure you've communicated with him that you do not agree with his this and why (as it seems you have already). then tell him that you also need him to leave you alone so that you can heal and move on with your life. let him know you are not waiting for him and are moving on with your life. ask him not to contact you unless it is to begin to work on a relationship again, but that you are moving on now as if that call is never to come. then do just that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 4:50pm

thanks. that seems to be the general consensus of my friends as well. it's just so hard for me. I've really turned a new leaf and know things can be better. for the first time in a year, I've really gotten down to the root of these fights and am ready to change. we love each other and want to be happy together...but it just can't happen right now. and it makes me so miserable. but I know that if it's gonna happen again, it'll happen. I can't beat a dead horse and make him feel a certain way.

I appreciate the advice :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 4:52pm

Welcome to the out_here,


If he has broken up with you already, I don't think there is much you can do to change his mind. You can ask him to go to counseling with you to see if you can work on your problems together. Let him know how you feel about him and that you would like to get back together, and then just give him space figure everything out. He might decide to come

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 5:03pm

You're right by beginning to realize that there are no words you can use to convince someone that they are right for you. He has been proven otherwise for so long, that it's going to be difficult if not impossible for the "new you" to sink in with him.

However, it seems as though he already jumped ship. There is a chance that your epiphany through your therapist would have helped you two, but also, therapy does not make two people compatible. He is doing what is best for him right now, and if you two are really meant to be together, you can get in touch a little while down the road and try again as two wiser people.

For now though, I'd let him be. I'm really sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 7:55pm

Welcome to the board out_here,


Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 9:03pm

Thanks for the warm welcomes :) it's nice to have a place to come and talk about this stuff.

I think counseling is good, but we've only been together for a year...we're not married, have no children. I usually think of counseling for people who have these things (things to stay together for the sake of).

I had a talk with him...he basically wants his space. he's still fuming over the past week of fighting and he thinks it's impossible to just go back to being happy and act like nothing's wrong. we definitely need to take it step by step and take it slowly. but he says he loves me and feels like there's a glimmer of hope that things will work out. so I think if I give him some space and let him see that things can be cool again, he'll calm down. so I'm not looking at it as a breakup nor are we together -- I guess we're just sorta taking a break. at least that's something. ugh, but it makes me feel so pathetic! I wish I had the balls to tell him to go to hell. I guess a little space and some focus on myself and my friends is a good thing :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 10:19pm

Hi again,


Space can be a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 10:27pm

I'm thinking that if the modus operandi of you two before was to make these half-hearted attempts at "fixing things" and then never truly following through, then that's what he's got to go on. You know how Dr. Phil says the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Well, that little adage is working against you right now. It's not that people cannot change, they change all the time, but as you are finding out, they change when they want to, when it makes sense to them to do so.

You've had an epiphany, but your boyfriend hasn't had that luxury, he's got to power through the feelings of anger, remorse, guilt, whatever, without the aha lightbulb moment. Understand that, but don't try to tell him, "I know why this is working or not working and I understand why you don't." It's almost like telling him you know better than he does. Which you kind of do now for the moment, but it's not going to help your cause to say that to him, capisc?

My ex and I fought and bickered pretty regularly, I'm ashamed to say, for a couple of months before we broke up. I always thought we were "working through things" whereas he just saw them as fights with no end, no real resolution. It wasn't until I looked back and saw with clarity and without judgement that he was right about that, our fights were getting us nowhere. I finally had the aha moment and by then it was way too late, my boyfriend had broken up with me. I've changed, I truly have. My way of relating is now so different than it used to be, however, he hasn't had the lightbulb moment I had. What he knows over this time that we've been slowly getting reacquainted is that things are, in fact, different.

So, give yourselves some space and some time. If one of you decides to reconnect, then let that happen then and see where you go with it. When you do reconnect, because it's just as possible you'll get back together as it is that you'll stay apart, relate to him in this new way *consistently*. Then over time THAT behavior will be the predictor of future behavior. See my meaning?

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 10:35pm
haa! this could be me and my boyfriend. thanks for sending this
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 10:44pm

'I think counseling is good, but we've only been together for a year...we're not married, have no children. I usually think of counseling for people who have these things (things to stay together for the sake of). '

This is very interesting. You don't think that an unhealthy relationship is worthy of seeking counseling? How about a couple who has spent the last few months fighting and doesn't know how to communicate well?

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