how do I fix it from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
how do I fix it from here?
12
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:04pm

I could use some advice. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year and for the past few months, things have been bad. we have been fighting like crazy over the same things (I'm sure 99% of people here can relate to that). we always make empty promises & resolutions to fix things with no realistic hope of fixing them b/c we were only making peace for the sake of not fighting anymore. but that only lasted for maybe a week.

then just recently (god I can't believe I'm putting this on a public forum), I had a miscarriage (while we were in the middle of a fight and he went away to Chicago for a little vacation). it really messed me up good. I started having all these feelings of grief about killing my baby (I didn't even know I was pregnant) -- like if I had known I could have taken better care of it. I was stressed and working out all the time and not eating well. It could have survived. plus women in my family have a hard time conceiving b/c we have bad kidneys which makes it hard to sustain a baby...so this all pretty much confirmed that I may never have a child of my own. and I was angry...and angry at him (blamed him for a lot) and even angrier that he and I were fighting again/as usual when I needed his support.

so I spoke with a counselor who really helped me get a grasp on my feelings. she really helped me understand my emotions and helped me understand how my reactions can be taken as an attack/insults to him...eventhough I am just trying to tell him how I feel. this is actually the root of many of our fights -- I have something on my mind, I tell him, he takes it as an insult and then we fight. sure, it takes 2 to fight and he's certainly not an innocent party here, but there are definitely better ways I could have told him how I'm feeling.

so I told him all this...told him that I understand "his side" better now and believe things can be different now, apologized profusely for putting him through hell and told him how happy he makes me. but he's just fed up with it all. he wants to break up now and I just can't deal with it. I love him so much and he does make me happy. I never meant for him to feel anything other than that. he won't even talk to me now. he says sometimes 2 people can love each other but just can't be together. he loves me and wants to be with me, but just doesn't believe things can ever get better (eventhough I've been telling him for weeks how things are different now and we have a real shot at having a future together after getting down to the actual root of our problems....not just making mundane resolutions that have no hope of being carried out.

phew! well that's a short novel for ya. do you think there's anything I can do to fix this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:56am

I think you've got to let him go. Do you really want a partner who needs persuasion to stay with you?

A few people have suggested trying to get him to marriage counselling with you. Can I just say that the first thing the counsellor will do is ask "do you want to work on this relationship?" If he says "no", then there's not a thing the counsellor can do.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 8:48am

yeah...very true. and no, I don't want a partner who needs persuasion to stay with me. the only reason I'm even trying to persuade him is b/c new concepts have come to light as the result of me seeking counseling to deal with my feelings about having a miscarriage and I learned new things about how I react to situations that are unhealthy. so I tried to persuade him to give it another try so we can see if it works. he does want the relationship to work. he has told me he loves me and he wants to be happy with me...he just doesn't believe yet that things can be better. so I'm just giving him his time now. he's sorta hinted to me that things can be better if we take it slow and just give each other some time to cool off (I'm the type of person who can't stay angry -- a few hours later, I'm over it; he can be fuming for days and days).

but I'm done trying to convince him to stay with me. I've made my points...that's all I can do. if he wants it to be over then I'll use what I've learned from my counselor and give it to someone else.

thanks for the advice :)

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