how do i get closure?
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| Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:00pm |
Somehow we decided to try to work out our issues. I had been acting selfishly for a long time, according to him. I had thought that my actions were the root of our problems.
I was devastated, but even as we sought counceling I prepared for the worst by separating our finances, etc. Along the way, I discovered he spent thousands of dollars at strip clubs during that year. Then I discovered thousands spent on phone sex. Finally, I discovered that he had been spending time in the company of prostitutes. LOTS of time; he even took a couple of them out of town with him on occasion. There was money spent for hotel rooms that I never stayed in, concerts I never went to, expensive dinners I never ate, flowers and jewelry that weren't given to me.
Now its six months later, and somehow we've stayed together. We recently celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and I was treated to a nice trip and lavish gifts. Husband is home every night now. He cooks dinner for us or he takes me out. He calls me during the day--I always know where he is when we aren't together. For the past 4 months or so he has behaved like the perfect husband.
The problem is that I'm still FURIOUS with him. My feelings are deeply, deeply hurt. I still struggle everyday with jealousy, sadness, and anger. The apologies I've gotten are not enough, I guess. It doesen't seem fair to me that my husband didn't have to suffer. He never had to fight to keep me, I don't even know that he would have fought for me if I had walked out. I'm not feeling like I got any justice at all.
At some point, I will either need to end my marriage or I will need to "get over it." How do I get over it? How do I get closure in a situation like this?

Also, do you feel that the couples counseling went far enough? I'm a little surprised that the counselor didn't address your anger towards your husband in the sessions. Also, are you confident that he has REALLY changed his deepest, innermost values, the ones that allowed him to behave the way he did? If he's only scratched the surface of those issues, then it's natural for you to still have doubts and fears.
I would suggest that you also post on the Betrayed Spouses Support board. A number of the posters there are trying to rebuild their marriages and are going through the same type of issues you are.
Sheri
what is it? what would it take for you to get this elusive "closure"?
Thank you for saying exactly what I've been needing to hear. My friends and coworkers know about all of the fabulous treatment I've been getting lately, and they are shocked and appalled by my reaction to it all. (I'm jaded, not overly enthusiastic, and suspicious.) They all tell me they wish their husbands were more like mine...its so ironic. My friends know that we've had some problems to work through, but they don't know the horrible details of the infidelity.
So they accuse me (in a kind, gentle way) of being ungrateful, and its stressful for me. I greatly appreciate your kind reassurance that my outrage is justifiable, that whatever feelings I'm having are the appropriate feelings.
I know that member "northwest..." recommended a board, and I also wanted to recommend a board called Healing Yourself after Betrayal. Here is the link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft
It is understandable that you are angry. Who wouldn't be? And I am sure you feel that maybe you two stayed together because it is the easier thing to do. You had mentioned that you didn't even know if he'd fight for your marriage. But, he is making small steps with the gifts and phone calls right? Do you think that is out of fear of losing you? So, he is somewhat fighting for you.
You didn't mention if you two had discussed why he was doing this. Even if you were supposedly acting selfishly in your marriage, what exactly were you doing that made him think that prostitution, etc was okay? What made him want this?
I just don't see your anger dimenishing until all the questions are answered, and you have everything clear in your head. Truly understand why this happened. Truly understand what he thinks of you, and what he wants in his life. Truly understand what you think of him and what you want in your life.
Anger stems from things we can't control, and also from the unknown. Don't be hard on yourself because you continued on with the marriage. Just figure it out now, it isn't too late. And if you are uncomfortable in bringing it up with him....so what? He cheated on you in a lot of ways, and you may think most of them are disgusting. If you bring it up again because you need clarity, because you need to understand how to move on...well, then do it.
Because the anger and especially the closure won't happen until you do...and you can make
-amy- "CL-fiesty"
You must feel very torn - on one hand he was honest with his feelings and then willing to work on the marriage in counseling AND he is treating you like gold right now. Those are all VERY GOOD!! But on the other hand he hurt you deeply with his bad boy routine. That is an EXCESSIVE amount of money on sex. Furthermore I would worry about a disease!!
At any rate, I think you should go to counseling for yourself. Find someone who will help you sort this out. I think you have to deal with it head on and this may also involve him.
As an aside, I would say that if he is a good person with the capabilities of meeting your needs and learning and growing from this mistake it is worth it to fix this if you can. It is very hard to meet someone who is nice and compatible, especially when you are older.