how do i get closure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
how do i get closure?
7
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:00pm
Eight months ago, my husband told me he wasn't sure he loved me anymore, wasn't sure he wanted to stay married, etc.

Somehow we decided to try to work out our issues. I had been acting selfishly for a long time, according to him. I had thought that my actions were the root of our problems.

I was devastated, but even as we sought counceling I prepared for the worst by separating our finances, etc. Along the way, I discovered he spent thousands of dollars at strip clubs during that year. Then I discovered thousands spent on phone sex. Finally, I discovered that he had been spending time in the company of prostitutes. LOTS of time; he even took a couple of them out of town with him on occasion. There was money spent for hotel rooms that I never stayed in, concerts I never went to, expensive dinners I never ate, flowers and jewelry that weren't given to me.

Now its six months later, and somehow we've stayed together. We recently celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and I was treated to a nice trip and lavish gifts. Husband is home every night now. He cooks dinner for us or he takes me out. He calls me during the day--I always know where he is when we aren't together. For the past 4 months or so he has behaved like the perfect husband.

The problem is that I'm still FURIOUS with him. My feelings are deeply, deeply hurt. I still struggle everyday with jealousy, sadness, and anger. The apologies I've gotten are not enough, I guess. It doesen't seem fair to me that my husband didn't have to suffer. He never had to fight to keep me, I don't even know that he would have fought for me if I had walked out. I'm not feeling like I got any justice at all.

At some point, I will either need to end my marriage or I will need to "get over it." How do I get over it? How do I get closure in a situation like this?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:11pm
It sounds like you went to couples counseling, but not individual counseling. Is that correct? You should find a counselor so you can deal with your perfectly understandable anger issues.

Also, do you feel that the couples counseling went far enough? I'm a little surprised that the counselor didn't address your anger towards your husband in the sessions. Also, are you confident that he has REALLY changed his deepest, innermost values, the ones that allowed him to behave the way he did? If he's only scratched the surface of those issues, then it's natural for you to still have doubts and fears.

I would suggest that you also post on the Betrayed Spouses Support board. A number of the posters there are trying to rebuild their marriages and are going through the same type of issues you are.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 2:24pm
I am not sure how you behaved selfishly, but no behavior can make someone else cheat on you so don't blame yourself. Closure from something like this does not just happen. It is like grief over the death of a loved one, it takes just however long it takes, there's no panacea, and no one can tell you to "get over it" or that you are taking too long to forgive him. You deserve to be angry at him for as long as it takes you to move past this, and that is something that he is going to have to deal with. It sounds like he is dealing with it properly right now and hopefully he doesn't get impatient or resentful with you for taking too long to heal, because he lost all rights or say in the matter when he was unfaithful to you. You are right to feel resentful that he got off easy, because he did. I hope for your sake that he continues to kiss your feet until you have moved past it, because that is the only way he will ever be 'punished' for this. I am reticent to even call his attentiveness punishment, because it's not punishment, but something he should have been doing all along. You are very strong to stay with him and he should feel blessed that you did not leave him. I hope that one day his kind actions will endear himself to you, and that you can forgive him and fall in love with him all over again. You must have been very in love with him before this happened, for you to stand by him. Much luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:50am
that depends on your vision of what "closure" is for you in this situation.

what is it? what would it take for you to get this elusive "closure"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 10:43am
Oh, Queen

Thank you for saying exactly what I've been needing to hear. My friends and coworkers know about all of the fabulous treatment I've been getting lately, and they are shocked and appalled by my reaction to it all. (I'm jaded, not overly enthusiastic, and suspicious.) They all tell me they wish their husbands were more like mine...its so ironic. My friends know that we've had some problems to work through, but they don't know the horrible details of the infidelity.

So they accuse me (in a kind, gentle way) of being ungrateful, and its stressful for me. I greatly appreciate your kind reassurance that my outrage is justifiable, that whatever feelings I'm having are the appropriate feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 3:06pm
Um...you're asking me the same question that I posted when I started this thread!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:14pm

I know that member "northwest..." recommended a board, and I also wanted to recommend a board called Healing Yourself after Betrayal. Here is the link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft


It is understandable that you are angry. Who wouldn't be? And I am sure you feel that maybe you two stayed together because it is the easier thing to do. You had mentioned that you didn't even know if he'd fight for your marriage. But, he is making small steps with the gifts and phone calls right? Do you think that is out of fear of losing you? So, he is somewhat fighting for you.


You didn't mention if you two had discussed why he was doing this. Even if you were supposedly acting selfishly in your marriage, what exactly were you doing that made him think that prostitution, etc was okay? What made him want this?


I just don't see your anger dimenishing until all the questions are answered, and you have everything clear in your head. Truly understand why this happened. Truly understand what he thinks of you, and what he wants in his life. Truly understand what you think of him and what you want in your life.


Anger stems from things we can't control, and also from the unknown. Don't be hard on yourself because you continued on with the marriage. Just figure it out now, it isn't too late. And if you are uncomfortable in bringing it up with him....so what? He cheated on you in a lot of ways, and you may think most of them are disgusting. If you bring it up again because you need clarity, because you need to understand how to move on...well, then do it.


Because the anger and especially the closure won't happen until you do...and you can make

 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 8:13pm
Are you saying you found out about his rendezvous/infidelity AFTER the counseling? Does he realize you know all of this? Did he apologize for his behavior or offer an explanation?

You must feel very torn - on one hand he was honest with his feelings and then willing to work on the marriage in counseling AND he is treating you like gold right now. Those are all VERY GOOD!! But on the other hand he hurt you deeply with his bad boy routine. That is an EXCESSIVE amount of money on sex. Furthermore I would worry about a disease!!

At any rate, I think you should go to counseling for yourself. Find someone who will help you sort this out. I think you have to deal with it head on and this may also involve him.

As an aside, I would say that if he is a good person with the capabilities of meeting your needs and learning and growing from this mistake it is worth it to fix this if you can. It is very hard to meet someone who is nice and compatible, especially when you are older.