how do I get him to communicate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
how do I get him to communicate?
3
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:51pm
My dh and I have problems communicating. He doesn't want to talk about anything esp if it has potential for an argument. He won't argue at all! I think some arguements are good for the relationship to a certain degree. He won't open up to me. I think some of it stems from him being young, he will be 21 in a few days (I am 26) and also from his childhood. His dad was an abusive alcoholic. He watched his dad beat his mom and he got beaten on a few occasions also. Once they finally divorced, his mom worked in a strip club, drank, and brought home men. He said the reason he won't argue (and seriously this man never gets mad) is because his childhood was full of it. He won't tell me how he is feeling cause he thinks its girlish.

Am I right that his communication (or lack thereof) stems from childhood? What can I do to get him to open up to me? He refuses to see a counselor or anyone. He says its no one's business about our relationship. I know he loves me. That is the one thing he expresses is how much he loves me but when I want to talk on a deeper level he won't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:25pm
Without professional help, you probably can't get him to communicate and/or deal with his childhood issues. He may be co-dependent and thereby will do anything to avoid confrontation. Will he go to couple's counseling with you?

Reading material:

Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz

See if this doesn't describe some of his behavior.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:18pm
Thank you for the reading material suggestion. No he won't go into couple's counseling with me. This isn't something I'm going to give up on but it is something I would like to address in our marriage. It is an issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:50am
It is very possible that his past life has caused him to keep his feelings buried. Or it could be because he is a man! Some men don't open up with their emotions too much. I guess it depends on what you want to discuss with him. Is it issues that you have with him that you want to talk about or what? If you have a problem with him, or something effecting your relationship that you want to discuss with him, try writing him a letter letting him know how you feel about the situation and that you want some feed back from him so that you can move past it or have some closure. If it's nothing big that you two need to discuss I would say this isn't really a big deal. It must be nice to not argue :)

But if it's something that is really bothering you and your relationship, he can't just hold everything in because he might end up blowing up, or leaving you in the dark about things that are important to him. At least by writing him a letter he will have to hear you out and consider your feelings. Let him know that you don't have to "argue" just discuss certain things that are on your mind. This way he won't be faced with a conflict because he can reflect what you have written and think of a way to discuss it with you in a "friendly" situation or maybe even write you back.

good luck