How do I get him to pay me compliments??
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How do I get him to pay me compliments??
| Wed, 07-11-2007 - 4:33am |
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Been married to my OH for 13 years, been together 17 years. He has never been a romantic bloke, it didnt seem to bother me at first,as he was attentive, and we both had loads in common when we first got together, that the lack of romance and compliments didnt seem to matter. We have 2 kids, 16 and 13.
I made the mistake near valentines day of telling him I wasnt getting him a card, he just said well I wasnt getting you one anyway. Some years we exchange cards, some years we dont. Well as it happened, come valentines day, I was laid up in bed with flu, my punishment for not getting him a card I suppose. A few weeks later, I borrowed his mobile, hes on a contract, never uses up all his credit and is always telling me to use it. Anyway, I used the phone, then decided to read some of the jokes his mates are always sending him, and came across some texts from a woman, her name has never been mentioned before. I then checked his outbox, and found a text from him to her, saying 'Will you be my valentine, as my wife wont?' I confronted him, he said shes just a friend, hes known her for 15 years. So how come I've never met her? Hes never mentioned her name? He doesnt know, couldnt explain. He says the kids have met her, when hes been out and about with them. Anyway, I had doubts in the back of my mind but tried to push them away. I have never been a jealous person, and always trusted him, hes always had female friends and I never had a problem with it, I've met all of them and got on well with them. Hes a very friendly bloke, with men and women, and does form friendships very easily. Now a few weeks ago, I borrowed his phone while he was on a driving lesson, read through his text messages and found one that seriously worried me. It was to that same woman, and this time he was trying to help her get a job at the place he works, and saying he wished he could help her out more and wanted to be there for her but couldnt. This had me in tears. Why would he do this to me? He knew I didnt like the idea of him being this close to someone I didnt know anything about, I told him how hurt I was by the valentine episode, yet here he was still in contact and now wanting to work with her. He says it is still innocent, she is in a low paid job, needs to find another one soon and he was just 'being a friend' After much arguing and me telling him that for the first time ever in our relationship I felt insecure, he agreed to stop contact. He ignored a text from her saying she had an interview at his place of work, but I was still feeling insecure. She then sent him another asking for advice on whether she should go for the job, and he sent her one back saying he didnt think it would be right for her, that he wasnt enjoying the job and was looking for something else. She sent one back saying thanks, she had made up her mind not to go for it, she would stay where she was. I must admit I feel much better for this, and after much talking, we discovered he has been very naive in his friendship with her, I think judging by the contents of the texts that she thought the friendship would lead further, he has the knack of giving people the wrong idea. Before meeting me, he had no other long term relationship, says he feels lucky to be with me, as he doesnt consider himself a good catch. I know what a lovley bloke he is, and feel blessed to have him as a husband, but this episode has left me feeling that there has been something missing in our mariage. Romance, and most of all, he never ever pays me compliments. We have both gone through such a lot lately, and came through the other end feeling better for it. I've had my haircut, he said it looks nice, the girls at work went overboard telling me how much younger it makes me look, they love it, I'm thinking, 'they're saying the things I want my bloke to say' I've bought some new clothes (underwear included) he hasnt commented once when I've worn them. I've asked him why he cant bring himself to tell me I look loveley, he makes comments about other womens appearance, so why not his wife??? I give him compliments, I tell him if something looks nice, when we cuddle I tell him he smells nice, but it is never returned. We have a good sex life, I still fancy him as much if not more than I did when we first met, and I tell him.I just cant get over the fact that he cant pay me the compliments I crave, I suppose this episode has left me feeling insecure, and I need further reassurance from him, which I have talked to him about, but he just aint listening, what more can I do?
I made the mistake near valentines day of telling him I wasnt getting him a card, he just said well I wasnt getting you one anyway. Some years we exchange cards, some years we dont. Well as it happened, come valentines day, I was laid up in bed with flu, my punishment for not getting him a card I suppose. A few weeks later, I borrowed his mobile, hes on a contract, never uses up all his credit and is always telling me to use it. Anyway, I used the phone, then decided to read some of the jokes his mates are always sending him, and came across some texts from a woman, her name has never been mentioned before. I then checked his outbox, and found a text from him to her, saying 'Will you be my valentine, as my wife wont?' I confronted him, he said shes just a friend, hes known her for 15 years. So how come I've never met her? Hes never mentioned her name? He doesnt know, couldnt explain. He says the kids have met her, when hes been out and about with them. Anyway, I had doubts in the back of my mind but tried to push them away. I have never been a jealous person, and always trusted him, hes always had female friends and I never had a problem with it, I've met all of them and got on well with them. Hes a very friendly bloke, with men and women, and does form friendships very easily. Now a few weeks ago, I borrowed his phone while he was on a driving lesson, read through his text messages and found one that seriously worried me. It was to that same woman, and this time he was trying to help her get a job at the place he works, and saying he wished he could help her out more and wanted to be there for her but couldnt. This had me in tears. Why would he do this to me? He knew I didnt like the idea of him being this close to someone I didnt know anything about, I told him how hurt I was by the valentine episode, yet here he was still in contact and now wanting to work with her. He says it is still innocent, she is in a low paid job, needs to find another one soon and he was just 'being a friend' After much arguing and me telling him that for the first time ever in our relationship I felt insecure, he agreed to stop contact. He ignored a text from her saying she had an interview at his place of work, but I was still feeling insecure. She then sent him another asking for advice on whether she should go for the job, and he sent her one back saying he didnt think it would be right for her, that he wasnt enjoying the job and was looking for something else. She sent one back saying thanks, she had made up her mind not to go for it, she would stay where she was. I must admit I feel much better for this, and after much talking, we discovered he has been very naive in his friendship with her, I think judging by the contents of the texts that she thought the friendship would lead further, he has the knack of giving people the wrong idea. Before meeting me, he had no other long term relationship, says he feels lucky to be with me, as he doesnt consider himself a good catch. I know what a lovley bloke he is, and feel blessed to have him as a husband, but this episode has left me feeling that there has been something missing in our mariage. Romance, and most of all, he never ever pays me compliments. We have both gone through such a lot lately, and came through the other end feeling better for it. I've had my haircut, he said it looks nice, the girls at work went overboard telling me how much younger it makes me look, they love it, I'm thinking, 'they're saying the things I want my bloke to say' I've bought some new clothes (underwear included) he hasnt commented once when I've worn them. I've asked him why he cant bring himself to tell me I look loveley, he makes comments about other womens appearance, so why not his wife??? I give him compliments, I tell him if something looks nice, when we cuddle I tell him he smells nice, but it is never returned. We have a good sex life, I still fancy him as much if not more than I did when we first met, and I tell him.I just cant get over the fact that he cant pay me the compliments I crave, I suppose this episode has left me feeling insecure, and I need further reassurance from him, which I have talked to him about, but he just aint listening, what more can I do?

Getting his female friend a job is not having an affair. I agree that if they were good friends, he would have introduced her to you. She sounds like that girl friend some guys have that help them with Woman Problems. You should offer to meet her - ask him if you can invite her over with some other friends for dinner or something.
As for paying you compliments... I hate to say it but you knew going into this marriage that he was not the romantic type. Some people just don't give verbal compliments. I had a guy like yours once; I asked him to give me compliments once in a while and he said "I'll try" but never did. He said it felt strained and awkward to try to think of things to compliment. Now you could get offended at a statement like that, OR you could realize that a lot of men just aren't that verbal. They show appreciation in other ways.
Your husband is never going to be like your girl friends, ooh-ing and aah-ing over something like a haircut. You know what though? HE NOTICED. A lot of men wouldn't.
I think that you're going to have to accept him as the person he is, and look at the positive side of what he DOES do for you. If you keep trying to change him and make him say things to you when it doesn't come naturally to him, you're going to end up very disappointed with both him and yourself.
Welcome to the board suet13,
While you knew going in that he wasn't romantic.... sounds like you need verbal affirmations of love. So I HIGHLY recommend the book Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.
I've had this issue with my husband before. I talk to him about it, explain that I need to hear nice things from him every once in a while, just like he likes hearing compliments from me. He always says he understands and gets it, and he may actually do it for a day or two, but then he just slides back into normal ways and nothing really changes.
I don't think your husband is naive about the impression he's creating with this other woman when he says things like "will you be my valentine since my wife won't." He was deliberately fostering a relationship with her, and you are absolutely right to think it's a problem. At the very least, it is a flirtation. Listen to your instincts and tell Romeo to knock it off. The problem isn't your insecurity, it's his inappropriate behavior.
With respect to the compliment/romance thing, if you figure out how to get him to change, please let me know. I agree that often men will show you in other ways how much they care, which is true. But I still want to hear it from him every once in a while, just like you. It doesn't have to be often, and it doesn't have to be two dozen roses or anything like that (although it would be nice....). Just a bit of validation and affirmation, right? Something spontaneous, not in response to something I've said (i.e. not "I love you too" when I say "I love you.")
Good luck! BTW--what country are you from? Australia?
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
Gday from another Aussie on the board :-)
Could I say something about compliments?
I've also got a new haircut at the moment. The women I know have been telling me how great it looks, but DH hasn't said much. Why? Because he likes long blonde hair and mine is cropped seriously short, dyed red and loaded with product.
Likewise the new smock dress I bought. I'm getting around in it with tights thinking I look pretty good, and his compliment is "well, it IS better than some other smock dresses I've seen".
And if a pair of jeans even hints at 'muffin top', he'll be sure to tell me LOL (Mind you, I appreciate not going out looking like that!)
But if I buy a new outfit that appeals to men (sexy, fitted, low neckline) rather than being a fashion choice, he will notice. Likewise, if I decided to grow my hair long and go blonde again, I'm sure I'd get hairstyle compliments again.
Basicially, he compliments me if he LIKES what he sees.
As for expecting compliments, he is capable of giving them to to other women, if someone walked into a room and looked nice, he would tell her, I would agree with him too. He was once talking to me on his mobile while out shopping and he said, I'm standing in front of a beautiful woman, it turned out to be a friend of mine, who is a beautiful woman, but he has never ever told me I'm beautiful, this hurts me. I feel like he stops himself from paying them to me, as I see him looking at me, and I know he likes what he sees, he just seems to be holding back, whether deliberate or not I dont know. I do know he loves me, I just need some reassurance. This problem is more mine than his I know, but at the moment I need more from him than hes giving me, something I find hard to handle as I've never felt like this before.
As for compliments, well if I find the secret, I'll share it with you, I promise. He does say he loves me, but it would be nice if he actually noticed me like he notices other women, maybe he just takes me for granted? Something we're both working on, and I dont intend to let slip. I dont want him to spend money on flowers etc, I'm not a material person, just some recognition when I've took the time to look nice would be appreciated now and again.
I'm from England by the way :-)